Just got a FaceTime call with one of my longest friends, she showed me her engagement ring, I congratulated her and her fiancée, also a friend from our high school days.

First thing I felt in my chest was like pure heat, like the same kind of anxiety that hits when you get horrible news. My stomach even turned and still feels weird.

I’m happy for her, I really am. I have a complicated history with her, but I’m happy for her. She’s one of the brightest souls I’ve ever known and deserves to be happy.

And yet my own body straight to feeling jealous and disgusted. I understand why, but now I kind of feel small and pathetic.

I’m venting, I don’t even know if I have a question or a point.

I know my struggles with lust and depression and self harm have all pushed me away from God or even hindered my own ability to put myself out there and go for something. But when will it be my turn to be happy?