Yes I believe in God I also trust in Jesus and believe he died for my sins ( to which I have many ),I do believe I'm saved tho I'm always depressed and it's getting worse.

I wish I could go back in time and start over to when I started sinning, 13 or 14 I'm guessing. And Never do anything, this way I would have had all my dreams come true . Time is gone for that now it can't be Undone so I am forced to live a life of constant hurt, See I feel sometimes that God gave me my chance when I was younger and I screwed that up , and now I can't get that can't go back in time and fix my mistakes and I suffer from deep depression because of it. Sometimes to escape the pain I pretend I like my life the way it is but I know I hate how my life turned out , I see it everywhere everyday it's a constant reminder that I messed up what life God gave me , I'm a sinner and I know that , no need to remind me , I caused my own suffering.

At times I do look at my life and see I never had a normal childhood, my father left us all when I was an infant along with my siblings and mother, then She died I was 9 years old. My family was split apart what was left of it , I went with my aunt sibling disappeared into state custody didn't know if alive or dead or where . Always felt shorted out on everything " Given " to others by God , like he gave blessings to anyone else except me , my family, our family .

I have no children of my own and that is what hurts the most , I've always wanted kids always. Yet time is too far gone now and things can't happen, I sometimes think of that lady I the Bible that was barren for all her life and God said she will have kids and she didn't believe cause she was so old yet God did give her and she was happy.

Well this is what I think of , and I know it can't happen, so I hurt myself mentally and torture myself mentally, I know Satan is having a good time with me , he doesn't even have to work hard , all he needs to do is put me in eyesight of a child and sit back and watch me torment myself cause I will never have what I've always wanted.

I look back and see I did everything as right as I could have, married at 30 yes I know that was starting late but I see way too many familys starting that age , all her family started that age we have watched them all have kids and had to feel that sting , you don't know what that feels like and it hurts you to the core .

I try to work it out and believe that God just didn't want to " help " us , he didn't want to give us what he so freely gives others . I'm always thinking and feeling like he just doesn't care that much about me , about how I wanted things in life , that I also wanted to be a dad , I start to fall down into this deep depression that usually takes years to get out of , to only find myself back in again when I think I'm out of it .

Yes God has plans for everyone I know this , and I should be focused on that and get rid of any sin left over , I know this .

I think about the this all the time yet can't shake my depression because I'm never gonna have what I've always wanted and know I'll have to live with it forever. My only hope is God will erase my mind wipe clear my memory of this life and what I Did Not have here , even then it says we will know others and that probably means children, and I will still know I don't have them and what kind of heaven would that be if depression was there also .?

I need prayers I want to get out of this constant never ending depression. I hate that I blame God for my predicament and how my life turned out, I hate that I feel God shorted me out . I don't like feeling this way , but I do it anyway I inflict mental torture on myself and tell myself that God wanted me to be the way I am ,

I feel like a child that's hungry along with all other kids hungry and we're all asking for help and someone is filing out food for the kids and he gives to everyone else and I keep asking for my share yet he knows I want it also but doesn't want to give me any food and passes me over . Like why ?? It's all I say is why ??