Hi, I’m new here and really loved seeing so many people being open and honest here. It’s a breathe of fresh air. I love my husband, but he (thankfully) never had to experience the same things I did so he just doesn’t really understand where I’m coming from on some things.

I will save all the gruesome details of my family and I’ve just recently got to a place where I could openly admit that what I experienced was trauma and that’s been its own struggle. But because of all this it made me want to be and do better for myself and for a future family. I moved out as soon as I could and worked for everything on my own (so that they could never claim to have helped but, ya know, they did anyway).

My husband and I have finally gotten to a good place in the lives we’ve built together. He’s settled into the career he worked so hard in school for and I’ve gotten the best job I’ve ever had. We don’t struggle financial anymore, we’re going to buy house next year, and we’ve started planning for a baby.

And these are all things I should be excited about! But one of my promises to myself was that I would never to do my child what has been done to me. So I wanted to get back into therapy and work things out so I can be the best I can be. I have depression and anxiety and that’s what I’ve usually always worked on but recently it’s been unpacking trauma, inner child healing, etc.

And suddenly every achievement has a dark cloud on it. Every goal I accomplished makes me thing of some trauma I had as a kid that made me want to accomplish that goal. And I’ve just felt so angry and sad about it. I don’t know if it’s because I’m been purposefully trying to deal with my trauma or what, but I just feel so resentful of my past and things I hadn’t thought about in years are coming back up any time I have a small win.

I am exhausted and I feel like that little girl in her bedroom all over again.