I'm going through a bit of this with someone right now. Looking at possibly severing ties after they called me some choice words tonight. And I can almost guarantee that when I bring it up with them soon, I'm going to be painted as "dramatic" for "making a big deal" over it.

And it has me thinking about all the relationships which have crumbled, that I feel at fault for. And this time, for once, it actually GOT me thinking.

In almost every single instance (not EVERY single one, but most)... what I now feel subconscious shame and "accountability" (the bad kind) for... was telling someone what my boundaries were. Or telling them not to insult me. Or letting them know that I was hurt.

I'm not and have never been the kind of person to throw around accusations. I've, very rarely, snapped when I asserted a boundary and the boundary was STILL disrespected. Not "snapped" as in yelled or screamed or threatened or got violent or insulted. But told someone very firmly that their behavior was not welcome.

Example:

Ex girlfriend frequently made negative comments about my weight. I was a size 10. She was a size 2. She would say things like "you don't need to eat all that" or "you shouldn't wear shorts with those legs."

A year or more after we broke up, she said something again about weight that I had gained. A dress size or two. And I told her that her comments hurt my feelings. I remember myself as being the "aggressor" in that interaction, because her reaction was to double down, and then accuse me of instigating a fight with her.

There are countless more examples like this one. A friend who was unhappy because I asked her for space took a box of my things I had in her garage and threw them against a wall in front of me. Besides this, I've had psycho bosses. That's a different topic for a different post and I'm losing steam.

I just think it's... exhausting, and maybe a little discouraging? That we've been led to think these things are our fault, like we're responsible for someone else's toxic and unacceptable behavior. And for many of us, it's been a contributing factor to developing CPTSD later. My soul need a year-long nap.

ETA: Well, it went over worse than I expected, but not that different. I wasn't only called dramatic but accused of being a narcissist and a terrible person. 😂 So I guess that's the end of our story. But my karma has exploded because of this post, so thank you all! I fully intend to respond to some of you but it's been a crazy day, so I'm not sure if and when I'll have the emotional energy for it. Cheers! 💖