Trigger warnings: Mentions (no details) of SA, CSA, abuse, suicide ideation.

I don’t even know how to start this. I have C-PTSD and severe treatment resistant depression, anxiety and I’m autistic. I’ve lived through homelessness, abuse (psychological, physical, verbal, emotional), neglect, rape, I’m an alcoholic (sober now for almost 8 years), have had multiple suicide attempts in the past and struggled for years with self harm. Last year I moved to another country on my own, and at first things were good. This is what I’d fought all my life to do.

But then, I’m guessing because for once in my life I was safe from abuse, things started to get bad. Nightmares got worse, depression got worse, basically my PTSD went into overdrive. It’s been a long downward spiral since about August of ‘23. I then completely cut off ties with my family (main source of abuse) and have been inpatient at psychiatric wards 3 times. I just came out of the hospital on Thursday last week (Today is Monday) and was doing better, but now I’m not so sure. In hospital, after excruciating emotional pain due to trauma being a 24/7 issue, I realized through memories that had been repressed, that I was also sexually abused at 4 years old by my father.

After that, things got “better” in the sense that I felt a weight lifted off me because I finally understood none of it had been my fault. Not going into details, obviously, but talked it over thoroughly with my psychiatrist and after a couple days of doing better, I was discharged mostly because I was no longer suicidal and I the rest is mostly a therapy thing. However, I’ve been unemployed since October, and my savings are now almost completely gone, to the point where I am at a very high risk of losing housing. And because I have no job, I have no health insurance (I’m disabled and my medical bills are very high). This is added to the fact that I am close to my permit expiring, and without a job, I will lose it, and be forced to leave the country.

I cannot go back to my country or origin. Not for legal reasons, but because it’s too dangerous to be trans around there. I have no one there, and no one here. No job. No money. No future. And now to top it off, I am having flashbacks of this “new” abuse.

I’ve found myself being or feeling weird. Like I’ll forget where I am for brief moments while out, I’m overly sexual, can’t retain anything, don’t talk to my 2 best friends anymore because I behaved like a dick, stopped caring about everything and feel absolutely disconnected. Like I’m seeing my life get ruined before my eyes and don’t do anything to stop it. For example, I have around 500 dollars left, and instead of saving I’m spending it in a “when it runs out I’ll kill myself” mode. I feel absolutely disconnected from life, reality and emotions. I’m behaving in a way that isn’t me. I never have sex cause of trauma, and now I’m like literally just taking naked pictures and sending it to random people, making plans to hookup with people and to go to sex clubs, etc. I’m also not sleeping much, and for most of the time I feel like I’m just really not “here”.

I think it feels like I’m getting rid of things and making people keep away, as a way of closing off life before I kill myself. Yet I’m not scared. All I know is I can’t go back to the hospital, and everything got fucked and I don’t see a way out.

What do I do with all of this? Like will it go away on its own? I don't know if I'm dissociating or not. It's such a surreal feeling.