Does anyone feel like they’re “stuck” in another age? I’m 33, have been dealing with CPTSD for years, a long history of (literally) all types of abuse and homelessness, alcoholism, depression, SH, suicide, etc and I’ve just moves about a year ago to another country on my own, and away from my family (main source of trauma) and I’m feeling it’s all starting to come back. All the things I never processed or dealt with because it wasn’t safe to do so. And I’ve realized a lot of things about myself, from not knowing who I am due to years of abuse, and trying to deal with haunting flashbacks and nightmares (while studying, working and trying to make it out here). So it’s been really intense. But I started feeling like I was 12 again, which is when things got critical and when I first attempted suicide. I found myself going back (non intentionally) to the feelings and fear I used to have then, and seeking comfort in the same things I used to back then (self harm, reckless behavior and drinking). Now, I haven’t relapsed, and I’m already 7 years sober, but I feel like I need to fall back on those coping mechanisms. It’s weird to try and explain, because I’m well aware I’m not 12 again, ad that literally everything in my life is different now. But I feel 12. Anyone struggle with that feeling of being “stuck” in an age? I was recently inpatient at a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks due to my depression getting really severe, and I was able to understand a lot of how trauma is now impacting me, and all my defense mechanisms and everything, however, I can’t afford therapy right now so I’m really struggling to make sense of it all without losing my grip. Before going inpatient I wanted to throw my life away, as I did at 12, and self harm and do drugs and started connecting with guys to have meaningless sex with, but that just made the SA trauma worse. Now i just don’t know what to do with these feelings.

Edit: At 12 I decided to end it/throw my life away. But id been suffering abuse since I was born, so it also makes no sense to me why that particular age.