I'm scared that you're going to meet someone new and better than me who your parents love like their own.

I'm scared that staying friends with you will just mean I'll never fully move on, even if or when it's certain we won't end up back in each other's arms again.

I'm scared that I won't know how to be your friend again, after we spent 4 years in love.

I'm scared I'll push you too hard while you figure things out, and that my own impatience will only push you further away from me.

I'm scared that I really was the problem, and you only told me I wasn't so I wouldn't be too hard on myself.

I'm scared that you'll find you're happier without me in your life. I want you to be happy, more than I want myself to be happy, but I want you to be happy with me also. And I feel selfish for that.

I'm scared of having to start over with someone new if the worst comes to pass. 4 years is a long time with someone. But these last two days since the breakup talk has felt like 20 years.

I'm scared that I really was holding you back.

I'm scared that you will silently grow apart from me, and when we do reconnect, it will be awkward.

I'm scared I won't be able to be in the same room as you without wanting to hug you or kiss you, And that me not being able to keep those emotions in check will convey to you that I'm not mature enough to handle the relationship again, and you'll be gone.

I'm scared that you'll use this time to go on dates. Meanwhile, I can't bear the thought of even talking to another girl, because even though we aren't together right now, it will feel like cheating.

I'm scared of my own thoughts. The thought of you kissing and being held by someone else is so destructive, but I can't get it out of my head. You told me their was no one else when my insecurities reared their ugly head, and i believed you then and I still believe you now with my whole heart. But this break could be a month, or it could be years. And a lot can happen even in a month.

But what scares me the most, out of everything?

I'm scared that I lost my person. Because I loved you more than I loved myself, and I was in love with you from the day I laid eyes on you. And you told me you didn't want to hurt me, and deep in my heart, I knew that. But it still hurts. I haven't been able to focus on anything but you. Not work, not video games, not my usual YouTube channels, nothing. I start tasks with the best of intentions, only to get bored and switch it 100 times in an hour.

You may read this, you may not. If you do, I don't want to know you did. I'm putting into words on paper what I couldn't articulate with my voice. If you do read this, my love, I want you to know I'm not suicidal. I won't do something stupid. Because the thought of leaving you behind so permanently hurts even more than the hurt I feel now. I know you've been unhappy. I could tell, but you never wanted to talk about it. I know you need to figure some things out. And I'm patient when I want to be. And good God do I want to be, in the hopes you'll come back. But life sucks right now. I've been on autopilot the last few days. Getting out of bed is rough. Getting to bed at a decent time is even more so. Staying busy to keep you out of my head is the worst thing I could imagine after I spent 4 years only thinking how much I loved you. How much I still love you, even after you left.

I love you, I miss you, and I'll be here. Waiting. Semi-patiently. Stir crazied, but waiting. I hope you find your own happiness so we can be happy together again, new and improved. Through tear-filled eyes we both said it wasn't goodbye. Just goodbye for now. I meant it. I hope you meant it too.

-Andrew