I'm packing up everything we built together. My stuff and our kids stuff, while he's made it clear he doesn't anything that would remind him of us being a family in this same apartment. He plans on still being active in their lives and were good but I keep hoping ak badly that he'll change his mind. I keep hoping that instead of literally giving up and not fighting for our relationship, that he will just realize he's about lose everything when he doesn't have to. When I'm willing to stop and at least try to fix something very fixable.

But then I remind myself of how often I was begging for love, time, and affection. How my instincts alerted me to every sign and I thankfully paid attention to all of it. I remember how lonely he let me feel, even after I tried to talk to him about it. I remind myself that I'm worth more than he made me feel and I should never have had to beg for him to see me and see how I was feeling.

And while my mind knows all of that to be true, my heart and emotions are just shattered and full of hope and sadness and rage. And while I know his choices don't mean I'm not worth being loved, I've completely lost the ability to rely on others and I never want to trust someone so deeply ever again. I can't feel this way every again, and I can't let it be because I let another person decide I was no longer good enough, especially after 10 years.

I'm broken so badly emotionally, and mentally I'm healing. I just wish they would happen at the same time.