TW: r*pe/ sa mentioned It's been about two months after the breakup. We dated for one and a half years, and were engaged. I lived with him. But I had doubts throughout, and I was scared of how fast-paced it was moving. Our wedding was supposed to be this month. He proposed to me not even a year into the relationship. I said yes because I loved him, but was also unstable asf. I wasn't ready for marriage, I still need to graduate college and figure out what I want in life.

I don't know. I miss him. We've met up several times after as friends but it's hard. He's doing great with his life. He's reconnected with friends, has more goals, and actually knows what he wants to do. I, on the other hand, have been unable to get out of bed, was r*ped, and almost did meth. I'm upset I left him. But at the same time I knew I didn't want what i wanted in life, and getting married would make it harder for me to figure out how and where I want to live.

He talked about living completely off the grid, and travelling america living in his truck. Both of these ideas scared me. He was also 100% certain he didn't want kids, but I'm 70% sure I'd like to have one someday. Not to mention he has cats and I'm severely allergic.

I still have all our photos together. I still listen to his playlists. Our wedding playlist. I'm devastated. I know that in the long run this is probably the best for me, but I can't help but wonder what my life could've been like. I fear I will never be able to have a relationship again, and if I do, marriage is out of the question.

Not to mention I feel bad about how I did the breakup. During the last week, I was almost positive I couldn't do it with him anymore, just based on our different goals in life. He went away on a camping trip without me, and that's when I decided to spontaneously pack everything up and leave. I called him on his way back the next day and met at a park to do to the breakup. It was the hardest decision in my life, and I'm immature and have never been in a relationship this intense (I'm only 20). Has anybody gone through anything similar? Any advice? I'm really hurting still two months later.💔