I'm currently going through my first break-up and it hurts so much. I feel like my heart has been pulled out of my chest. I can stop crying today only because I've been under non-stop Xanax.

I met her a year and a half ago, experiencing love for the first time at 26. She was and still is, to me, the most amazing person I have ever met. We did long distance once and came out of it so much stronger. Then we lived together for a full seven months. It was not always easy with me, having trouble finding a job, her, dealing with some mental issues, but I still wouldn't have wished to be anywhere, but by her side.

When we parted again for a second long distance (visa struggles, yadda-yadda, but it wasn't supposed to be long) we made so many promises. At the airport and before. We wanted to get a place, go on vacation in another country, were even (very long-term) talking about the day we'd get married. We swore our feelings would remain the same, that we would see each other again soon.

And then, it all crumbled down barely a few weeks in. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary except for the two days before the actual break up, when she stopped answering my "I love you" and initiating texts. She told me she loved me, but that she needed to be alone to find herself and that it could possibly take years. I would have waited, I honestly would, but I think she wanted to protect me from being hurt and added she ultimately didn't know if she would ever be able to live in a relationship on the long-term.

It hurts. It hurts so much. Especially not having been able to hold her one last time. I feel like my entire life, the life we planned together, disappeared before my eyes in a flash. I don't know what to do with it anymore (or don't see a point in doing them without her anymore) And I'm not even upset at her in the least, because I know she is struggling too and has been for so long, in her life. The first day, I honestly thought I would be dying. Like crying and screaming would have me die from a heart-attack.

I know people say it'll get better, but I cannot see it. I cannot see how I could ever love someone has much as I love her. Or feel loved by someone has much has I felt with her.

I also developped a new stress tic, but, oh, well. I have an history with stress tic. It's not the worth I've ever had.