I recently was kicked out of a friend group after I made a bunch of irresponsible mistakes I didn't intend, and they then proceeded to accuse me of shit I didn't even do. This was 7 months ago, a month before I recieved my tentative diagnosis for BPD after undergoing a reboot of my mental health treatment ive undergone for over 10 years. This breakup of friendships is still affecting me incredibly poorly, and even now, I wonder if I'm still the bad guy because I keep wondering how they're doing. I see all these videos everywhere saying that if you're doing that, you're the bad guy and you just need to move on or you just need to accept that you fucked up and I mean...I already did that? I know what I did wrong, and I know I am not entitled to forgiveness. But, what I did was a repairable mistake I fixed, and they still found the need to accuse me of a crime I wouldn't even think of committing, which led to the ultimate fallout. I want to clear my name, but the potential of this going to court is so scary to me. So I just kinda live my life away from theirs, hide when I get the chance...but I miss them, I miss the world i had with them, I miss the potential they said they saw in me. So, I want to know if kicking me out was painful, or if it was something they finally wanted to do. When my parents met with them to discuss me making reparations, they told me that my ex-friends pretty much didn't care whether I lived or died, only that I financially made up for the mistakes I made that they created extortant amounts for. No one on the outside that they might have talked to about this either even bothered to reach out and get my side of the story. And I know trying to commit suicide over it is no help, and my bf called one of my friends involved to get me to stop. When my parents brought this up, they kept saying that my mental illness was no excuse for my behaviour. Which is a fair statement, but like...if they thought I tried to kill myself for sympathy points or to manipulate them, they have another fucking thing coming. That wasn't my intention at all, and now to basically know they don't care if I live or die is just another knife in my back.

So...am I still the bad guy for lurking and just trying to see if there's a chance? Or if they might cyberbully me again? Am I still the bad guy for just wanting to know why they just abandoned me? I'm just confused and I just want to know like...what's missing? Do I deserve to die? I feel like I do. I spiralled last night about the whole thing and I just keep wondering like...on top of what I did that was fixable and fixed, what was it that made them click and go "yup, he's a monster. time to purge the poison."

I've been so hurt, and they've been able to seemingly just bounce right back. I keep seeing posts too about how when abu$ers get their just desserts, they deteriorate and the victims get their glow up once the toxicity is gone. Maybe the view is distorted since i avoid trying to look for the most part and really only check out of morbid curiosity, but i feel more and more like the bad guy when the evidence of the situation is really just them being shitty friends and me being a fucking irresponsible kid (despite being 23, kid really is the right word here).

Idk im trying to be vague about this because it's a lot of story and I dont want them to potentially see this either and try to antagonise and cyberbully me again. But do I really deserve it? Am I really the monstrous villain getting their due?