I didn't see any way to cross post so I figured I would post here too from r/bisexualadults..

I was going through some backup of my computer, I found a file dated 08/25/2010 which outlined what I hoped to be in my future. So much has changed and I saddened reading this again. Now 14 years later I'm married (DoM: Dec. 2012) to a woman with 4 children we have created together which was an absolute blessing. She found out I liked men and our relationship/marriage has never been the same since. I once expressed what I am about the share below after she found out but the short of it is that it would be a cold day in hell before it would ever happen with her. I mourned and I eventually gave up on it and pushed and still continue to push down the pain of the dream that was lost. I have moments of emotional despair in which I crave the touch of a man but I simply wait out the feeling until it passes and the the days get a little better. I can't afford therapy and insurance doesn't cover it so I just deal the best that I'm able.

My wife and I now are more like roommates than husband and wife. Separate beds, no intimacy, and extremely limited sex that is only a last resort when masturbation doesn't alleviate sexual stress.

I'm turning 40 this year and I think I've come to the conclusion that we end up getting divorced at some point and if I'm not able to meet a man in my 40's then I sure as hell don't want to be meeting one that would be a partner in my 60's and have arrived at the conclusion that I'll live alone for the rest of my days and look forward to dying alone in my old age. I want time together before old age sets in or die alone. I'm going to the Utah Gay Rodeo this June, so we'll see what that brings. I struggle back and forth with wanting to being another relationship and just being alone for the rest of my life after the kids have moved out of the house on their own.

My Mates - Written 08/25/2010

My Mates, where are you? I see you in my dreams but I have yet to find you. The two of you are somewhere out in this great big world of ours somewhere hopefully searching for me too. I see you both young as I. I couldn't imagine it any other way for I want to be with you both for as long as the Good Lord sees fit.

To my female mate. I long to hold you and drink in the dark chocolate that is your beauty. To see your ebony skin against the ivory that is my skin. Your gentle kindness draws me ever closer to you and my hands never wish to stray from your body. Your passion and sexuality lights a fire in me that is unquenchable. You are my mate, I must have that contact of touch with you always for without it I would die. The smallest caress or touch of our skin and bodies keeps me whole and draws our bond ever stronger. Seeing you with the male mate our tri-bond makes you even more beautiful, I am not jealous or angry when you touch him or touch us both at the same time because he is my mate too. We three are one. You are thread and we are but two pieces of cloth. You are that which holds us together.

You will one day carry my child and then one day our mates child within you. I think that six children should be enough for all of us and would be he perfect arrangement to our family. Every time that you are pregnant we will not be able to keep our hands off you, the orgasms we'll give you will make you think you've died and gone to heaven.

When you see your male mates kiss, touch and hold each other it doesn't cause you to look away in disgust, jealously. You just as we understand that we are all mates and that in order for all of us to be together, we be must love, live and bond as one. You often look on in awe.

To my male mate. Your touch is just as important to me as it to the mother of our children. When our mate is not near, our touch will link us to her. From the brush of your hand to my full and warm embrace, we share a bond of love, strength and courage. The blend of both of our Ivory skin against our mates ebony chocolate paints the most perfect picture. Our 6' tall frames form a protective cocoon around the ebony beauty that means everything to us. Our days we'll be spent providing for our ebony beauty and our nights will be shared in bed with her. We'll make her and each other scream in ecstasy.

Our Wrangler Cowboy butts should drive our mate out her mind in lusty passion. Our boots in the stirrups and our spurs jingling from atop the horses we ride as we work the land will reassure our mate that we are always near.

We are Tri Mates and we share a Tri-bond. Each of us serves as an anchor for the other two within the tri-bond we share. We are equal in our love and jealousy doesn't not exist between us. We exist together and live for all of us. From the King Bed we share to the house we own. As we grow together and raise our children, we will never be ashamed of our family or our relationship.

Our bodies will always be joined without barriers. My female mate, you will always take our seed into you. Never will we pull out and never will you fret about sexual satisfaction.

Once we are together we can buy the land we require and build our house. I see us living a self-sustaining life. From our off-grid home we will survive anything and everything. Our garden and our livestock will provide is with food in hard times and together we will weather every storm that comes our way.

Our children shall be raised in the most loving environment that a child could ever need. Our teachings and homeschooling will ensure they are prepared for life as best we can make them.

Where are you both? I've not yet found either of you. I hope that we will one day be together. Stay safe. WE WILL BE TOGETHER SOON. I long for the day when I will be able to leave this city and one day move back to the Rocky Mountains, but I know that my female mate is somewhere here in the south and I hope that my male mate will be able to find me and us. TO MY MATES, MY WORLD, I NEED YOU.

END OF FILE