I (26) was seeing a guy (26) for 4 months (1 month official). Things between us were great for a total of 2 weeks (the first two) after which things started to take a turn for the worse. He started to always change plans or cancel plans last minute. Would always tell me he’s exhausted from work or he’s feeling very anxious all the time. One time he cancelled plans on the day of because he said he had food poisoning. I said I understood and we could rain check but then I noticed he blocked me from seeing his instagram stories that day which gave me trust issues with him (he unblocked me a week later) but I never brought it up because we were not officially together at the time. I stayed with him because I was always between 2 minds about him. One day I’d be ready to break things off and the next he would be the best person ever and I’d feel loved. I also was never sure if I was just overthinking things and expecting too much.

About a month in of talking and seeing each other, he messaged me to say that he feels like he is not ready for a romantic relationship. I was a bit hurt but I told him I understand and it’s okay. He said he wants to continue hanging out and stay friends and he likes talking to me and spending time with me. I agreed. However, the next day he messaged me to say that he thought about us and he wants to give us a real good chance. He said what he has with me is rare and he doesn’t want his overthinking to get in the way of something good. I once again agreed to resume our relationship and continue getting to know one another better.

The changing of plans last minute and the cancellations did not stop after this and I would always feel like we were not seeing each other enough (1 or 2 times a week at this point. I did have a conversation with him about this too and we agreed on once during the week and once or twice on weekends but this also did not last) and we weren’t intimate enough together (we actually never slept together throughout the 4 months and I was the one always initiating kissing). When I broached the subject, he said that he agrees and said he knows we have to work on that and make a conscious effort. He said he’d love to get more physically and emotionally intimate with me but the thing with emotional intimacy and spending time is that he also needs time for himself because he would rather spend limited quality time with me than be cranky or exhausted and not value our time. He shared a lot of other thoughts and feelings with me that he said he has never told another soul. He even mentioned that open relationships have worked for him in the past. When I asked him if that is something he wants at this point in time he said no. He said that I am more than enough for him and that he is only interested in a relationship with me. He then reiterated that what he has with me is rare and he does feel like sometimes he doesn’t do enough to make me feel special even though he feels it. He said expressing his feelings openly doesn’t come naturally to him.

Around the end of november, I asked him to be my boyfriend officially and he said yes. Then december arrived and I started to feel like things were improving a lot. He wanted me to meet his friends which I did (he afterwards told me that none of his exes had ever met his friends. This made me feel like he’s getting really serious about us.). He invited me to his company christmas dinner. When I arrived everyone was telling me that they’d heard so such about me. One girl who didn’t even work at the company (a 1) told me she also heard so much about me even though she doesn’t even work there. I also went to christmas gatherings on multiple occasions at his close friends place and his boss/best friend’s place.

Around mid december, after another one of our deep conversations one night, he invited me to spend the night at his place. I was so happy because I felt like things were finally starting to go well for us. I was picturing going over and having a nice night in with him and maybe afterwards some bedroom action but it was not to be. I only went over late (11pm ish) because he said he has a birthday (he could’ve just invited me to go with him but didn’t). Once we finally got to his place he seemed tired and wasn’t giving me any hints or anything that he was in the mood. Once we were in bed he asked me about my past relationships and I told him I’ve never been in one before and he asked me if I am a virgin and I said yes. I asked him if this bothers him and he said not at all. His ex was also a virgin. After this conversation we just went to sleep.

Fast forward end of december, he started to say things like “I need some time to process and think“ and “sorry if I seem off these days, there is a lot on my mind and i need time and space to sort out my own mental stuff” and “mornings are weird! I wake up with so much anxiety”. When I tried to get to bottom of it with him and asked if its something about us he said “no, it is some personal family stuff. I don’t share it with anyone but I would eventually with you”. However, I messaged him again that same day to say that I’ve been noticing a pattern of bigger quality time plans being always cancelled and that’s when he said he wants to talk about it face to face.

When we met in person I was still thinking it might be about his family or he might want to talk things out and work on us but instead he just said that he was not able to develop feelings for me and that he really tried and wants to break up. After this, we met again and spoke some more and he confessed starting to feel this way mid december and since then I can’t help but feel like he got spooked when I told him I am a virgin because that conversation happened just around that same time. It’s hard to believe and accept that he was not able to develop feelings when he was soo eager to include me in his life and social circles like he did and when he used to say things like: “you just existing makes me feel great”, “you make me so happy and bring so much stability in me and my life. I appreciate you more than I can express”.