Someone here the other day said this feels like an addiction. I'll be 7 years sober from drugs and alcohol in September. I went to rehab. I took classes. I lived in a halfway house with probably close to 40 different roommates in my two years in treatment. I have had friends die. For most of my sobriety I have always wondered why these people didn't seem to want it bad enough to say sober. I was very unsympathetic, quitting drugs and alcohol seemed easy for me but impossible for anybody else around me and I judged everyone so severely for just not getting it, how could your life not be worth more to you?

I finally feel like I understand. I just want to feel good. Whatever the cost I just want to feel good. Feeling good in the long term is too hard and too much work and too difficult for me right now, a quick fix is all it takes for me to stop feeling so terrible, even if it doesn't last.

I just ate $20 in gas station food. Ice cream. Taquitos. Chicken wings. All in less than five minutes. I will be hiding the evidence from my husband. He knows I struggle but he has no idea how bad.

I've had a pain flare up for the past 24 hours that has been relentless. My whole body hurts, I've had a headache that won't quit, and on top of that I have the most severe seasonal allergies of anyone I've ever met. I just want to feel good for 5 minutes. Doing all of the things that in time will eventually help me heal my body, hurt me and ache me in the short-term but we'll be beneficial in the long term. It feels like I don't have that kind of time. I want to feel good right now. I want 5 minutes of being able to feel like my body doesn't hate me. Food gives that to me. Self abuse through food lets me feel good for a blink. Then it's over. And feeling so miserable for a solid 24 hours, it feels like I earned this.

My health suffers for it. I have a heart condition, it's worsening from the way that I eat. It's worsening from the occasional purges. I have Ehlers Danlos syndrome. It's worsening from the inflammation that I cause myself by the way I eat. Chronic fatigue and chronic pain are worsening because I don't have the strength or energy to work out because my stomach is always so full. The food I eat makes me tired and groggy and achy.

I know there's a way out of this somewhere, but I haven't seen the exit yet. I'm worried my habits will kill me.