I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/JustThrowaway28 six years ago on r/relationships.

TW: Domestic Violence

My (28/F) Father (64/M) retired and became an insufferable man child. Mom (58/F) is furious. [Dec 23 2015]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3xzacj/my_28f_father_64m_retired_and_became_an/

Here's the background. My father got in ground floor of a business and worked his way up to a low level executive position. My mother is eight years younger than my father and her income was substantially more modest. I have twin brothers two years older than I. One has a physical disability that required a huge amount of surgery and medical attention when he was younger. So at the time my mother briefly stopped working to care for us. When I started kindergarten, she started working a part time secretarial position in my school district, which afforded her the same hours as her kids and much of the same school year schedule.

Just before my brothers left for college, she accepted a much better paying job in the school district, which was full time. The next year, my fathers department was downsized and he was laid off. He managed to get another job in the same company, less status and much less pay.

After I left for college, my parents moved into a house which was set up with an attached apartment. My grandmother moved into the apartment, (a much better situation than a nursing home). She lived there until she died four years ago.

Meanwhile, about eight years ago, my father was laid off again, and again managed to get another job in the company. His salary by this point was less than a third of his "executive" salary. My mom on the other hand was hired out to another company and is earning substantially more than my father has for the past two decades.

Last year, I decided to go for my masters degree online. I was looking for dog friendly housing in my hometown, and my parents were looking for a new tenant for their apartment (they had some bad ones). I moved in, paying the same rent and utilities as the previous tenant. I work full time.

Over the summer, dad was basically given the choice of early retirement or being fired. When he turns 67, he will start social security and pension, but has no income. He basically stopped doing anything at this point and is kind of being an ass about it. His daily schedule is waking up, watching tv, napping, watching more TV and browsing online.

If he was JUST doing nothing, I'd be worried about depression, but he is actually creating work for mom and I while being a jerk towards us. He will trash the kitchen making snacks and leave it out. The other day, he spilled milk in the morning, a whole carton, and left it there all day. He leaves trash around the house and on days I get home before my mom insists I come over and clean his daily mess.

He and I have gotten into massive fights about the dogs. Most days, I wake up and take a walk with my dog and my parents two dogs. But at least once a week I have to drive to a branch office that's nearly two hours away. I end up leaving the house a little after 6am and not returning until 8:30 at night. I've asked my dad to walk the dogs on those days. Instead, he just puts them in the yard. He blew a fit that there is dog poo in the yard, placing the blame on my (much smaller breed) dog.

Dad also feels I'm not contributing enough. In addition to rent and utilities, I mow the lawn/have agreed to shovel all the snow and mom and I help each other out with groceries. He feels I should be picking up some of my moms list, despite working full time and going to school full time. But he has no problem referring to me as a mooch. I've tried to get him to join the gym with me, and we ended up arguing because he is horrified I'm wasting money on a gym, and suggested that money should be going instead to my parents! He has also attempted to get me to give him my savings to help finance things for him, like a new hot tub.

He also doesn't respect my apartment space. While he didn't have issues when it was an outside tenant, with me there he will go into the apartment, eat my food, or go through my belongings or mail.

We have tried to get him to seek part time employment, or volunteer work, hoping this will motivate him. Any job we bring to him he claims is beneath him, despite being similar pay levels as his last job in the company. He also argues we are "destroying his retirement relaxation".

Mom has tried giving him tasks to do at home. His reluctance to help has, over time, turned misogynistic. He says that with two women in the house, he should never have to get groceries or cook and is offended when we ask. He claims men don't do laundry. I recently watched him toss a candy bar wrapper on the floor and say in a cutesy voice "one of my girls will get that" to one of his friends. At Thanksgiving, he refused to even set the table, calling it "girly" much to the embarrassment of my brothers.

Mom attempted marriage counseling with him. He walked out furious after ten minutes and has refused to go back.

Things came to a head over the Christmas season though. At a party, he introduced himself as a recently retired executive, my mother as a "homemaker" and me as "the kid who moved back home while she sorts her life out". The remainder of the night he made snide comments about mom and I, including calling mothers position "her little job" and saying how he would never move back home like I did, but kids have no work ambition these days. Basically belittling the both of us while denying the reality of his personal work history. Thankfully, these new acquaintances seemed to be put off by this.

Mom and I were furious. I doubt dad has any clue, but she is honestly quite close to leaving him if he doesn't improve his mindset. I want to help my dad and keep my parents together, but I don't think he realizes how much of an ass in denial he is being. I worry that if they separate, my dad literally won't be able to care for any basic need and it will fall in my brothers or I to take care of him.

Mom recently asked me if she thought she should divorce dad, and said we as the adult kids would have to choose sides. Of course, living next to them, I have a front seat to the drama.

TL;DR: dad left company, is refusing to contribute to the household. Is becoming misogynistic and rewriting his personal history to sound more competent. Don't know how to help improve the situation.

Edit to add: I talked to mom. We are changing the lock to my front door, and installing a new back interior door with a doggie flap that locks. The reason for a whole new door is so it can be rehung and dad can't accuse me of property damage.

Mom is also instituting a "nothing for dad" policy. She will no longer do his laundry, cook for him, manage any of his personal issues (like doctors appointments). Anything that's general stuff she will do. She is considering boxing up all the trash he leaves around though!

Edited again: just texted my brothers, who have agreed to talk to dad while they are home for Christmas about his behavior. I don't know if it will help, but having their input seems good

Relevant Comments:

• Commenter suggests they get dad checked for dementia. OOP: I doubt it's dementia, dads always been a bit of an ass. I think that's why he was demoted so often.
• Commenter suggests that part of the problem is that OOP's dad is used to being a bigwig and doesn't know how to handle losing that status in retirement. Suggests OOP's mom talk to him again and let him know that he's fucking up and needs to make amends by being a contributing part of the household & that they (mom & dad) are equals. OOP: He honestly hasn't been a bigwig in a long time, nearly a decade. The last few years he was lowest tier in the company. But I do think he is jealous of the guys who weren't kicked from their status, retired early, and have comfy lives. He is sort of just trying to act like he never was. Mom tried making lists of things for him to do. He just refuses to do anything, and will, in fact go out of his way to not do them. We aren't talking major things: she asked him to drop of Christmas cards at the post office and he HID them instead. She asked him to wash the bedding and then remake the bed. He stripped the bed and then said laundry is women's work.
• Commenter asks for more info on how dad stopped working. What happened? OOP: I honestly don't know the details. I know right when I moved in he was pissed off about an HR write up, so if I had to wager a guess I'd say interpersonal issues

Update: My father retired and became an unsufferable manchild. After holiday fights, divorce is happening. [Jan 03 2016]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3zc63x/update_my_father_retired_and_became_an/

As I mentioned last thread, my mother agreed to let me replace my door with a doggie door and change the locks. She also instituted a do nothing for my dad campaign.

The latter came to a head first. I heard raised voices on Christmas day, and then my mom came over to my apartment, asking if she could lay low. It turns out my dad opened his drawers and realized he was out of clean underwear. He came to where my mom was and demanded she wash his laundry. My mom replied she had just come off of a 50 hour work week, and he was more than capable of doing his own wash.

My father, apparently, started yelling and flipping out. He left and came back with his underwear and started throwing it at my mom, which is when she left and came over. We heard dad leave soon afterwards (no idea where he went to). Mom left his underwear where they laid, including a pair that was sort of dangling from the Christmas tree.

Mom and I ended up watching Christmas movies, eating cookies and talking. I found out mom had actually started talking to a divorce lawyer, but wasn't 100% set on what she was doing yet. It also turns out that mom has been sleeping in the guest room for the past few weeks, ever since my father refused to wash the bedding. Also, my parents finances aren't what I thought they were, thanks to poor investments on my dad's part a decade ago.

My family actually celebrated Christmas on New Years Eve, as it worked better with our schedules. The day of my niece arrived and, as only a toddler can, asked why there were underpants on the Christmas tree. I replied they were her grandfather's, and she repeated the question to him. My dad finally picked them up.

One brother has been super supportive of mom. The other has been more reluctant. But when dad wasn't helping at all with getting food together, and making snarky comments, I think they realized how bad things were. Before lunch, they pulled my dad into his office and tried to talk to him about what's going on. My dad started yelling instead, just saying that neither of them could give any feedback on his marriage, as both of them had "failed" to get married, and how they were both "failures" "losers", and making some points that were a bit more personal and specific.

One of my brothers started yelling back calling him on his history and behavior. Then I heard the back door slam and dad left. We had lunch and did presents, etc, without him. Dad came back around 11 pm. We had all decided we wouldn't let him ruin our holiday, so we sort of ignored him. He ended up talking to me just after midnight, saying things like did I think he would have to date women older than me (????)

New Years day, I'm playing Fallout and there's a knock at my door. It's my dad and his friend. The friend, I dislike. He has a son who is living with him, and is by all accounts a deadbeat. Even though my situation is completely different, my dad tends to borrow his language about me. At this point, I think my dad had been drinking (which is really uncharacteristic of him). He tries to shove past me, saying that I'm hiding something with changing the locks. I say I cleared that with mom, who is my landlord. I'm in my rights and he can't enter my apartment.

Dad at this point starts making sarcastic comments about how I'm not even paying rent. I shut the door in his face. Now, I work for a bank and study accounting. I have full records of my rent payments, etc. I print those out, along with a copy of my lease and the written permission to change the locks and back door. I come out to where dad is at his car and hand those to my dad and say if he wants I can get a copy for his friend too.

My dad blew up my cell phone for embarrassing him in front of his friend.

Then yesterday happened. I had to catch up on a ton of work and came in on the afternoon of my day off. I came in exhausted around 8 at night. I'm heating up some food and dad knocked on my door. He said that Piper was missing. Piper was my grandmother's (dad's mom) dog who my parents took in after her death. I freaked out and asked what happened. My dad told this weird story that he came over, but my door was locked and then for some reason he left the side door to his house open. It really didn't make sense except that he was indirectly blaming my locked door, somehow?

I asked if he had looked through the house, he said no. I did a quick search of my apartment (Piper comes over through the dog door to visit my dog), then ran through my parents house calling to her. The side door, at this point, was still open

Not finding her, I started outside, calling to Piper and shaking her treat tin. I made it across my block, then started further out. Suddenly a security car came up beside me and asked if I was looking for a dog. I said yes, gave a description, and they said they had had a non emergency call that a dog was found by a family. He volunteered to drive me to their house.

The house we ended up at was over a half mile away, near the highway. I was freaked out because if Piper made it that far, she crossed a few busy roads. The family had Piper in their dog run, she was soaking wet. I thanked them and they at this point told me they found her around 2 pm.

I saw red. The security guy gave Piper and I a ride back, and pulled up to my house. My mom had gotten home and was outside looking for Piper. Dad came out around this time. I confronted him, asking when Piper got out. He admitted it was around noon. Not only had he not looked for Piper, he hadn't even closed the door. For eight hours. I go to put Piper inside, fuming and dad blocks me. He was angry that Piper was wet, and said I should keep her in my "basement".

I lost it, yelled this wouldn't be an issue if dad had behaved like an adult. And at that moment, dad reached over, grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me, yelling at me.

Thankfully, the security guy was there. I heard him yell to dad to let me go. Dad let me go and went to go back in the house, but my mom was in the doorway and told him to get out. He slapped my mom.

The security guy was on dad, told him to back off. Dad sort of seemed to realize how over the top he was, and got super subdued and started to joke around like it was a whole laughing matter.

Mom said she wanted dad gone, security guy said that if dad didn't leave the premises he was calling police. Dad acted indignant about being kicked out of his house, so security guy actually radioed for assistance. Dad got in his car and left. He hasn't been back since. Police came and took a report (security guy apparently handled things poorly, but was still the witness). Security has been notified not to let him in the community

Tomorrow mom sees the divorce lawyer and will start filing papers. This, apparently, wasn't the first time dad hit her (which I wasn't aware of), but she said she wasn't going to let a man who abused her children in her life or her grandchildren's lives. My brothers have both voiced their support.

I don't know how I feel, I have no idea my situation with living here. I'm upset because of dad shaking me, no one has ever physically attacked me before. I'm super nervous whenever I hear the cars go by the house. This morning I didn't walk the dogs because I got too anxious.

Thank you for letting me vent, reddit. I don't know where my family goes from here, but changes are happening.

tl;dr: Dad was an asshole throughout the holidays. Ended up attacking mom and I. Parents are divorcing.

Edit: A day later, no one knows where my dad is, and I just got a text from mom saying she was about to head into the lawyer's.

Yesterday, I had a long conversation with my brother. There's a ton I apparently didn't know about of my dad's history. I'll upgrade him from "bit of a jerk" to "complete asshole". My mom and my older brothers both sort of sheltered me from a lot of it, I guess. I was completely unaware of some of the behaviors and stories of dad acting out, being abusive, etc.

In retrospect, I really had little contact with my father growing up. It may seem weird, but he would come home from work and hole up in his closet. Sundays we always spent with my grandmother, Saturdays mom planned outings. Dad was really only present for family holidays and at the dinner table. I feel horrible my mom shouldered keeping the family together for so long.

I did tell my brother that there's some concern about dad's mental/physical health. When dad gets back in contact with us, my brother is going to try to coax him to see a doctor.

Relevant Comments:

• Commenter: If I had to guess, I would say that your dad is a massive disappointment to himself, that all the promise and hope he had in his career success ended up being nothing at all, and now all he has to look forward to is poverty and a slow decline. I would also guess that he's reliving a younger self, being 'the man' and regressing back to the good old days of 19whenever when being the male of the house had some value, some rank in other's eyes. All this has turned him into a regressive, angry old fashioned man with no redeeming features and little merit. He's a nobody, and he knows it. He could easily be a somebody by becoming a decent father and husband, but it might just be that he doesn't have the emotional maturity to do that, or he may just be worn out and old, and can't raise the effort to be a decent human being. Alternatively, this may be the onset of an early senility, which would be unfortunate but at least more comprehensible. OOP: That's a lot of what my brother said to him when they fought and dad reacted terribly to it. I think it hit a nerve and is all too true.
• Apparently the abuse [of OOP's mom] happened during times of change in the past--when I was born, the first time he lost his job, when his mother died, etc. He never laid a finger on the kids (although in retrospect that's probably because mom sheltered us)
• Dad was always sort of a jerk. He was really disengaged with us as kids and when he interacted he was the sort of dad who picked screaming fights with the umpire at the little league game. He has few friends, and a lot of people just express dislike for him

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OOP has not used this account since commenting on the final update.

Reminder: I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/JustThrowaway28 six years ago on r/relationships.