I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/HygenicThrowaway 8 years ago on r/relationships.

TW: child sexual abuse and child rape

light editing for readability

Me [28F] with my BF [31M] of 5mo doesn't use the bathroom... [June 15 2014]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/28741m/me_28f_with_my_bf_31m_of_5mo_doesnt_use_the/

I feel weird posting this, but I need an outside perspective on this matter.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months and he's probably the nicest guy I've ever been with. I've dealt with a string of abusive men, and to finally meet a guy who legitimately respects me and holds my opinions in high regard is refreshing to say the very least. He's a smart and talented man, very crafty and handy, and works a job that makes a better-than-average salary. However, things took a strange turn about a month ago.

I was over at his apartment and saw a 2liter bottle of what looked like urine stowed away near his desk. He told me that it was apple juice and looked very intent on changing the subject. He excused himself to the bathroom, and so I uncapped the bottle and sniffed it- it was definitely NOT apple juice. I told him what I'd done and he became (reasonably) upset that I hadn't left it alone, and assured me that it was just for "some dumb prank" he was going to pull on a friend. I dropped the subject and left him alone about it.

A few days later, I was using the bathroom at his place and saw a large package of Depends in his bathroom cabinet. His parents are no longer alive, and he's never made any mention of caring for an elderly person, so I don't know what to think about it.

About a week later, things started getting weirder. I found another bottle of urine- a different bottle (different color cap), and went to question him about it. I confronted him while he was in the kitchen, and found him peeing in the sink. Immediately, he was startled, tried to tuck his penis into his boxers and act like nothing had happened, but it was pretty obvious from how he was acting, not to mention a large urine stain on the front of his boxer shorts. I asked him what he was doing, and he reacted very defensively, telling me it was time to go home, that he suddenly had an appointment he needed to get to, and just trying to get me out of his place. Naturally, I left.

I wasn't using the bathroom, the toilet was completely open for use, and he still elected to pee in the sink, making me even more confused and wary about the whole situation.

I don't know what to do, guys. I like this guy- I'm pretty sure that I'm not too far from saying that I love this guy. When we first started out, I felt like a bird with an injured wing and he was nurturing me back to health (cliché, I know, but it's seriously how I felt). He makes me happy, he has a stable lifestyle and we're compatible on so many levels it's crazy... but I'm just not into pee. I don't have an aversion to urine, but I'm not comfortable with his hygienic habits and I'm actually a little worried he'll urinate in my own sinks if he were to visit my apartment.

Am I crazy? Am I immature for thinking this? Every time I think of him, I can't help but jump back to him leaning his pelvis over the sink, peeing into it like it was no big deal, or the idea that he might be wearing adult diapers beneath his clothes when we're together. I don't want to be a bully, but it's such a major turn-off for me that I can see this causing very real, very serious issues in our relationship. Any and all help, or suggestions with how to deal with this would be vastly appreciated.

tl;dr: My boyfriend pees in the sink and bottles instead of the toilet, and owns adult diapers.

EDIT: I REALLY didn't expect this to get so much attention. While I realize this is an out-of-the-ordinary situation, I suppose I wasn't quite ready for this much feedback. Thank you all for your comments and input. Most of you have been very helpful and have come at me with a spectrum of different ways to approach this issue sensitively. I'm going to speak to him about his aversion to urinating in the toilet.

Additionally, some people have been asking if he also stores his feces in such a manner- I'm not aware. I haven't seen any, feces in any kind of containers, bottles, etc, and I haven't really be looking for it. Last time I'd spent time with him, I wasn't ready to learn anything more about his hygienic habits, so I decided to actively avoid looking for answers beyond what was already in front of me.

I'm planning on posting an update to this. Thank you all, and wish me luck. :)

EDIT 2: I spoke with him BRIEFLY over the phone. I took the helpful advice of some of you and told him in very gentle, very non-judgmental terms, that I wanted to speak to him about his "bathroom habits." I explained to him that I wasn't going to judge him, and that I wanted to talk to him just to get some answers. He was reluctant, but agreed to talk to me "later." Rest assured, this will not be the kind of "later" that just goes away. I'm going to be asking him about this as soon as I see him next.

There are a lot of redditors here essentially telling me to just leave him, and that 5 months isn't that big of a deal. While I understand that I have my own issues to work through, and that 5 months "isn't that big a deal", he is still a person I care deeply about. I would do this for any of my friends, and quite frankly, I couldn't think of just up and leaving without at least trying to learn WHY he behaves this way, and at least trying to help him through it. I'm glad that everyone here is so confident in my ability to find a decent man who doesn't have this problem, but everyone has issues. I was lucky enough to find a guy who not only makes me happy, but shares a huge number of my world views, philosophies and beliefs. To just throw that away without even giving it a CHANCE seems so cold.

Looking forward to giving some sort of update, but I don't think I'm any longer looking for advice on the matter. Thank you all your responses, please wish me luck in resolving this.

Relevant Comments:

• Commenter breaks it down into the boyfriend having either a medical condition, a fetish, or a phobia and tells OOP that regardless of which one it is, if he can't disclose, they probably don't have much of a future. It is weird behavior that requires an explanation. OOP: It IS weird behavior, but it's something I genuinely want to get through. I've spent 5 months with this person, sharing some very intimate things and telling him secrets in great confidence, and him, to me. I don't like the idea of just dropping it without doing all I can to at least figure out what this stems from. Thank you for the rundown of possibilities, though- I will keep that in mind.
• "Crazy" is the furthest word from him. He is, honest to God, the sweetest man I've ever met. I've cried to him about my insecurities from my past relationships and he's just held me, talked to me like a human being and made me feel like I could rely on him for anything.

​

[UPDATE] Me [28F] with my BF [31M] of 5mo doesn't use the bathroom...[June 28 2014]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/29bo1j/update_me_28f_with_my_bf_31m_of_5mo_doesnt_use/

Wow. I never expected my original thread to gain so much traction, and quite honestly, it was a little daunting. I'm sorry this update has taken me so much time to get out to you, but please understand that this was a delicate situation and I had a sizable load on my plate even before all of this.

I tried (twice) in vain to speak with him about his problem, and the first time he outright denied it, the second time he told me that he didn't want to talk about it, and then shut down. This wasn't embarrassing fetish-level sidestepping, there was something major going on. On the third try, I thought I was going to lose my mind and I was honestly ready to offer up trying some urine-based fetish of his if he would explain what his problem was. Thankfully, we got to the answer before I had to offer, so hooray silver lining!

User /u/dee_lio actually made a scary-accurate prediction. He was repeatedly molested and raped while on a toilet as a child. According to him, his uncle would make excuses to get him alone in the bathroom with him, position him on the toilet in whatever way was convenient for the offending deed, and that left a lasting impression. I honestly don't want to talk any more directly about that because it's sickening to even think about and makes me want to cry, thinking that someone would harm a child like that.

From there on, he was an open book with me. He refused to use toilets (instead using sinks and other plumbing fixtures), and used bottles if he was certain he could throw them away. He admitted that he also does this with his feces, but that whatever he uses, he immediately discards and doesn't let it linger around smelling up the house. I asked him how he could've gone his entire life like this, and he explained that growing up, his house was in the middle of the boondocks, so pooping in the woods, or into a river and washing up wasn't too out of the ordinary.

Now, it's been closer to 6 months with him. I never considered myself the supportive type (I'm honestly sort of used to leaning on others), but when he begged me to stay with him while he tried using the toilet, I jumped at the chance and hoped I could make a difference. He sat down to pee, started sobbing, and I held him for a good ten minutes before he finally got anything out. He peed, he cried, I cried, we hugged, he flushed, life was good. I don't know how long I'm going to need to help him while he's actually on the toilet, but we have the firm boundary that I'm not going to be wiping him, or anything.

It's going to take a lot of work, I'm certain, but I don't plan on turning my back on someone so special to me, who needs my help where I can actually give it.

Now, where to go from here? Obviously, the bathroom is going to be a long and gradual process, but I don't know how to deal with his uncle. He told me that he never admitted this to anyone but a small handful of people and a few anonymous confession sites. He doesn't keep in contact with his uncle, but the uncle IS Facebook friends with him and IS still involved with his family.

I guess my big concern is dividing my time between these issues? We both work, but we make a considerable amount of time for one another. I'm trying to figure out if it's my place to confront his uncle, or to be there for him, or to focus on his hygiene issues and try to prioritize a healthy recovery and bathroom habits first...

So, it's stressful, but I'm so glad that I didn't just walk away from him. I'm so glad he opened up to me the way he did and that he's allowed me to help him through this deeply personal issue. Thank you for your advice (the ones who suggested something beyond "run and hide"). I'm hoping that I can provide a positive update with some resolution regarding the uncle situation.

tl;dr: Boyfriend doesn't use toilets, shocked to learn he was abused and molested by his uncle on a toilet throughout his childhood. Currently helping him re-learn to use/be comfortable on toilets to do his business. Not wiping his butt. :)

Edit: Thank you all for the responses already! I'm sorry I didn't mention earlier in my post- therapy is DEFINITELY my solution to it, and he's acknowledged that he's going to need it, but right now it's the process of working up to that point. I was told I'm the first person he's ever told in his adult life (let alone the only girlfriend he's ever told) and so suddenly opening up to this with someone unfamiliar is a pretty overwhelming option. Please understand, we are going to have this addressed professionally, but it's not going to happen overnight. And for the people who are arguing that this is gross, or demeaning... have you never gone out of your way for a friend? Yes, this is a very intimate form of support, but I would do this for any one of my friends willing to confide in me with something so personal and so traumatizing.

Relevant Comments:

• As for reporting it to law enforcement- I don't really know how to proceed. I doubt he can prove something that happened over 2 decades ago, but he's told me explicitly that he wants NO contact with his uncle. I'm still trying to convince him that it's worth rocking the family boat to oust this predator. :\
• Commenter suggests that the uncle probably did it to more than one family member, and suggests the documentary Just Melvin: Just Evil. OOP: That's... a good point. A very sad point, but a good point. I don't want to just go around asking for his family's contact information so I can call them person by person asking "Hi, did [Uncle] molest you when you were little? Just checking." I can't see that going over too well. I'm expecting he'll be reluctant at the very least because of how close he is with his family, and how this would be a big gamble to come forward with if nobody else believed/corroborated with him.
• I know it can seem really easy to see a problem and throw the solution at it, but a major issue like this isn't something I'm willing to handle like arithmetic. Even opening up to me was a monumental challenge for my boyfriend, and no matter how professionally trained and qualified they are, he's still very raw and vulnerable. He's aware that I'm strongly advocating it, and he's aware that it's, without a doubt, his best option, but it's not something that can happen immediately, much less if I were to go over his head and make an appointment FOR HIM.

​

[FINAL UPDATE] Me [28F] with my BF [31M] of 5mo doesn't use the bathroom...[August 23 2014]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2edfbp/final_update_me_28f_with_my_bf_31m_of_5mo_doesnt/

Hey, r/relationships. I thought after the big response my last thread got, I could at least give you guys an update on the situation.

Unfortunately, we broke up. (Boo!)

Good news; we left on amiable terms.

Over the course of a month, we made some pretty amazing progress together, but the most noteworthy was helping him accept that he needed therapy, and helping him find a therapist that genuinely made him feel comfortable.

Obviously, he still has anxiety when it comes to going to the bathroom, but he no longer needs anyone's immediate help when he does his business (although I made it a point to give him positive reassurance whenever he told me he was going.)

I made some positive changes in my own life! Hooray! I got offered a job out-of-state that I'd had my eye on for months, I became certified and licensed in my field of work, and more importantly, my self esteem's been in a really good, healthy level that I haven't seen almost a decade.

However, we did break up. He acknowledged that he needed a lot of my time, which had never been an issue prior to being offered this out-of-state job. However, he already has stable employment and doesn't have the option of relocating. We talked it over at length, but we came to the conclusion that it would be better to have a clean and honest break now than risk physical distance turn into emotional distance. It wasn't an easy decision, but neither of us want the other to feel tied down for months at a time, and since I'm going to be working much more, I know I couldn't provide him the same level of attention I used to, nor could he do the same for me.

I'm entering a new part of my life, r/relationships, and for the first time, I'm more excited than nervous. I feel like a person, and I've got a great friend helping me ease into it. It all feels really bittersweet, but I wish him the best with not only his therapy, but all facets of his life. I care for him deeply, and I know he cares for me, so it wasn't an easy decision, but I'm confident I made it right.

Thank you, to those who advised me to do more than just leave. I figured I owed you an update, if nothing else.

tl;dr: Boyfriend and I broke up, staying close friends. He's working on his issues with a professional and I was offered a good-paying job in another state.

​

​

Reminder: I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/HygenicThrowaway 8 years ago on r/relationships.