I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/wtfpuppymate 7 years ago on r/relationships.

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Me [24 F] with my dead boyfriend's mother [50? F]: She wants his dog? [Oct 14 2014]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2jfkrh/me_24_f_with_my_dead_boyfriends_mother_50_f_she/

Sorry. This is longer than I wanted, but I am still processing things as this happened last night.

To get you up to speed: My boyfriend was killed in a car accident last month. This post is not about that. I am going to grief counseling and coping as well as I think I can at the moment. We were together for three years. We started living together a little over a year ago.

Prior to meeting Boyfriend, he got a ridiculously cute puppy. At the time, he was still living at home as his parents lived close to our university. However, this puppy was HIS puppy. She slept in his room, he took care of her and trained her. However, his mom loves Dog, and doted on her like a grandmother.

Boyfriend and I met in a local park because he had a puppy and I had an old grouchy dog of similar breed. (Adorbs, right?) We quickly started spending a good chunk of time with each other. I'd say we spent a good 60% of the week together. And by together, I mean me, boyfriend, my grouchy dog, and his young pup. Dog spent a lot of time at my place, and I helped with training, general care and dog activities.

After we moved in with each other, I took on a lot more of the dog responsibilities. Boyfriend ended up getting a job with a long commute and a lot of overtime. I was okay with this, as I ended up putting my old dog down a couple months ago and I enjoyed having a dog to take care of again. I even started therapy dog training with her, because she has such an awesome temperament. All in all, we were a happy loving family, and Dog and I were great friends.

After his death, his family came over to help sort through all his things. His family took the majority of his material things (car, computers, etc.), which I was okay with. I kept the sentimental things and joint purchases. I thought that was that.

During this whole time, Dog has been my constant companion. I feel like we have been helping each other a lot through this time of loneliness and sadness.

Last night, his mom popped by after work for a surprise visit. I thought she was just checking in with me or looking for support. After a few minutes of chit chat, she simply said, "Well, now that it seems like everything is settled, I've came to take Dog home."

I was confused, and asked her what she meant. She explained that since Dog belonged to Boyfriend, it makes sense that Dog be returned to his family. At this point, I became visibly upset, and Mom backed off. She said I can say my goodbyes, but she will be by this weekend to pick up Dog.

I am terrified guys. I don't want to lose Dog. She is a wonderful pet, but she is wonderful because Boyfriend spent so much time loving her, training her, and spending time with her. I recognize his mom is also in pain. I recognize that his mom always has loved this dog. I recognize his mom has also lived with and spent a lot of time with this dog. I understand why she wants the dog. But I don't want her to have my dog.

Legally, I realize I don't have much of a leg to stand on. Boyfriend and I weren't married, we only been living together for a year, there was no will, and technically, Dog was Boyfriend's property. And property is transferred to the deceased's family. Right? If his family chose to take this to court, they have the resources to fight this. I don't.

Is there anything I can do? Appeal to Mom's goodwill? Lay on the emotions thick and hope she relents out of pity? I am open to any ideas right now. Dog is my best friend now that my boyfriend is gone. I don't know if I can handle her being taken from me too right now.

(Afternote: I just want to say his mom is NOT a bad person. She has always been polite, sweet and caring. His whole family is a bit rigid, and can be stubborn, but overall, I don't think they are malicious. I recognize why she wants the dog. It's the same reasons why I want the dog. Which I guess makes this even more difficult.)

EDIT: I just want to make it clear, I am not planning on legally fighting for this dog. I appreciate the legal advice, but it seems too cruel to fight the grieving parents over something my boyfriend loved and cared for. I know Boyfriend wouldn't want that to happen, so I will do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't end up that way. Even if it means giving up Dog.

UPDATE: Thank you all for the kind words and condolences. It's a bit overwhelming! This is a very confusing time for me, and it is reassuring to see that it isn't a black and white situation. Sure, it would help if there was an easy answer, but at least I now know my confusion and internal conflict isn't too crazy. It's obviously a complicated matter.

I am still not certain what I am going to do with Dog. There are many good arguments for both sides (Fight to Keep Dog versus Give Dog to Mom). Trust me, I am trying to read through all of your replies diligently. Right now, I need to figure out how to balance what is morally right, what I can deal with, and what is the best for Dog. But for tonight, I think Dog and I will just watch a few bad movies and have a bit of popcorn. :)

tl;dr: My dead boyfriend's mom wants to take his dog that I have been been taking care of for the past year (and sorta more.) What do? If anything.

Relevant Comments:

• Commenter suggests writing mom an email/text saying something like " you understand why she wants the dog, but you 'don't know if you can handle her being taken from you too right now.' " to appeal to her sense of empathy. OOP: Thanks for the reply. Just writing out the Reddit post helped me sort out some of my feelings. At first I was just outraged that she would ask for Dog. But after writing this out, I realized she was just coming from the same place I am. Right now, I am trying to work through the possibility of giving up Dog. It terrifies me, as I see her as family, but at the same time, I understand that is just how life works sometimes. It's not very fair, sometimes. Maybe I can ask for a couple more months of Dog time, and then turn over the dog when I am more... well, strong? I am trying on this idea to see if this is something I can cope with, though emotionally, I am still not taking it well. Sorry, I am pretty much rambling online, now. But, an email might be a good idea. That way, I can be more careful with my words and not accidentally let emotions say something I might regret. :)
• Commenter asks if mom is alone and also if OOP is living alone. Who needs the support of dog more of a "support system" standpoint? OOP: His mom is married and his younger sister still lives at home (she is going to the same university as we did.) I understand that doesn't minimize her grief or any feelings of loneliness she might be experiencing which could be alleviated by Dog. But the mean part of me keeps saying how it isn't fair that I will be all alone if she takes the dog, and she shouldn't be allowed to take the dog away from me. I don't know. However, you bring up a great new point. I have to admit, if his family took the dog, we probably would never see each other again. But if I kept Dog, we might make a better effort to stay in one anothers lives. Which could be good for everyone...I have parents. And sisters. My mom and one of my sisters even took off work and stayed with me for two weeks after the accident which helped a lot. I love them lots and they have been a great support. They and my sisters live in different states though, so unfortunately, I don't get to see them often.
• The parents would treat Dog well. She would be fed, given many belly rubs and doted upon. Only concern I have is Dog comes from an active and smart breed (border collies), and she is used to a lot of exercise and adventuring that his family wouldn't be able to provide. They are pretty inactive. So I am worried she has the potential to become bored and thus destructive. But who knows, maybe she will ignite a passion for hiking or something and get them outdoors.
  
• Or I get Dog back in 3 months when they can't handle her energy anymore. She is very well behaved and appears mellow, but then again, Boyfriend and I spend a lot of time and energy on her. We run about 20 miles a week, and that's the bare minimum of activities we do. I don't know if his mom realizes that, so that might be worth mentioning.
• I can probably gain visitation rights, because as I said, his parents aren't malicious or mean people. But at the same time, I don't know how healthy that would be for me right now as I would basically be giving up Dog over and over again. And I don't know how good it would be for the dog. Maybe in the future, when the dog gets a chance to bond further with the parents and I had time to distance myself from Dog. I don't know.

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[UPDATE] Me [24 F] with my dead boyfriend's mother [50? F]: She wants his dog? [Oct 25 2014]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2kb785/update_me_24_f_with_my_dead_boyfriends_mother_50/

First off, thank you everybody who replied to my first thread (First post for those looking.) I tried to respond to everyone's stories, advice and suggestions... but once it got over 100 comments it got a bit too overwhelming. So I just want to thank everyone now. I read every comment, and every PM, and appreciated all the discussion that happened.

The Update Summarized: I no longer have Dog.

She went to her new home on Thursday, so it took me a couple of days to process this next oh-so-awesome new change in my life. I am trying to talk myself through it, and am trying to feel all noble and shit. I figure an inflated, martyr-like ego is better than being a sad, jaded and bitter bitchface... ohkay. I admit it. I am feeling more bitter than noble right now.

The Details for those Interested: Last Friday, I ended up calling my boyfriend's Dad. We always got along pretty fabulously, and he is the one really holding the family together right now. He gave me a good update on the family, and the gist I got was Mom was in a pretty bad place. We decided to hold a family meeting about Dog.

On Saturday, Mom, Dad, boyfriend's Sister and me got together and discussed what Dog meant to us. Naturally, Mom and I had some very similar outlooks, though I emphasized how Dog was a part of my family, my adventure buddy, and now my best friend now that Boyfriend was gone. Mom said she never realized I was that involved with Dog, and apologized for surprising me on Thursday. Both Mom and I got pretty weepy, and she excused herself to think things over.

So I and Dad talked for a bit more. I just went over the basics of dog care and border collies in general. His family has always been cat people, so I wanted to make sure that they knew what they were getting themselves into (and also maybe scare them with the responsibility because I am not a saint.) I was also concerned about the well being of Dog, and wanted to make sure she can stay happy. I gave him a list of all the activities I do with her to prevent her from becoming bored, and thus neurotic and destructive. It's actually a pretty long list. I also gave him a list of doggy daycares, training centers, agility centers, running paths, hiking places and vets in his area. I also gave him a copy of her therapy dog certification progress, and what the steps are to complete that if they are interested. I then left him a book on border collies, and a few website links, so he can become familiar with the breed.

This is the only thing that is giving me a bit of solace right now. Dad laughed after I gave him the run down. He said it made so much sense why Dog was so mellow, and that was because Boyfriend and I ran her ragged. He loved seeing all the work that went into Dog, was asking a lot of questions, and was astonished Boyfriend dedicated that much time and energy into his furry pal. It was actually very heartwarming seeing Dad pretty much light up with pride. Boyfriend has a bad habit of downplaying a lot of what he does, so Dad was able to learn something new about his son.

I told him that I would be ecstatic if I could keep Dog, as she is my world now, but I understood if Dog had a bigger purpose right now next to Mom's side. (OHKAY. That was a big, fat lie. I don't understand because I am selfish and believe that Dog belongs with me. But I am trying to be fucking noble here, okay?) Dad thanked me and we hugged. He told me that he and Mom will do some research for the next couple of days and think it over.

Dad called me up on Tuesday. He told me Mom was insistent on having Dog, no matter what. He didn't sound too happy, and was very apologetic. He told me that he didn't know if this is the right decision, and he honestly felt that Dog belonged with me, but Mom wasn't moving on the subject. He timidly asked what I wanted to do. I pretty much started panicking at this point, and was hugging Dog pretty hard to try to keep my shit together. But I was able to calmly say, "Okay, I understand." He hammered out a few details, and all I could say was okay over and over. He kept asking if I was going to be alright, and my only response was, "I understand." After we hung up, I just sat on my floor crying as Dog crawled in my lap, trying to figure out what was wrong. My panicking got worse, so I took Dog on a 10 mile run to try to calm both of us down.

I took the rest of the week off of work, and on Wednesday, I took Dog to Boyfriend's and mine favorite camping place. We spent the day hiking and exploring and sorta playing in the it's-the-wrong-time-of-year-to-play-in-a-lake lake, and the night snuggling under blankets and roasting marshmallows (I might've slipped Dog a marshmallow. Or two. She friggin' loves marshmallows.)

On Thursday, I gathered up all of Dog's things, and created a list of how to care for her. They dropped by in the evening. Dad seemed pretty concerned, probably because I was a very smiley robot. Mom was ecstatic, and was crying as she hugged and loved on Dog. I tried to pretend everything was okay, because I didn't want to stress out Dog, and mainly because I honestly felt really bad for Dad. He is a really good guy, and I could tell he was very worried about me (and his wife.) I feel really guilty that he was dragged into the middle of all this while also having to deal with his own grief. Dad gave me a hug, told me not to be a stranger, and that I could visit anytime. Mom hugged me and thanked me and reassured me that they are going to make Dog happy. And then they left with Dog.

On Friday morning, I woke up and sat in my empty bed for about an hour. The emptiness started freaking me out, so I sorta threw some clothes in a bag and left. Right now, I am poking at some burger at a fast food joint in the middle of nowhere, typing this out and trying to figure out how my life came to this.

EDIT: I am starting to look a bit weird sitting in this fast food joint for the past three hours. So I am going to head back out on the road again. Thanks for all your nice words, encouragement, and reassurance. Thank you too, for all the input and opinions. It's helping me out a lot right now, so thanks.

Also, I just want to say Mom isn't a bad person. She has always been sweet, and the death of her son devastated her. Okay, sure, I am sorta kinda just maybe angry at how the situation evolved. But I can't dispute the fact that she loves Dog. She saw Dog grow up, doted on Dog, and it is her granddog, so to speak. So part of me knows where she is coming from. I guess I just wanted to make sure people don't think she is a horrible person.

EDIT 2: Oh gosh, Reddit. I can't express how overwhelmed I am from the responses I am getting. I just got into my hotel, and went to check this post and there was just an outpouring of support and well wishes. I am a bit emotional right now, but I am working through it. I don't know what the future for me or Dog holds, but I will stay in contact with Dad to make sure Dog is staying happy. In a few weeks, I'll see if I am strong enough to go visit her and Boyfriend's family. I still don't know if this was the right course of action, and I am still worried I didn't think this through all the way. There is still a lot of sadness, anger, guilt and bitterness that I am dealing with, so it feels a bit weird when people say I am being kind, noble and selfless. Part of me knows I did a really nice thing for Mom, but the rest of me just thinks this whole thing is bullshit. Haha, it's a real weird place to be. I can't really explain it. So I appreciate the reassurance that I probably most likely did do a good thing. Hopefully.

Thank you Reddit. :)

tl;dr: I no longer have Dog. Bitter is my feeling of the day.

Relevant Comments:

• Thanks for your words. Honestly, I probably made this update because I needed reassurance like this right now. So thank you. I don't know if I can look after, or really visit, Dog right now. It took pretty much all my willpower to give her up on Thursday. I don't know if I have the strength to leave her again. :/
• Mom loves Dog for Dog. She lived with Dog for 2 years, and saw Dog grow up. But Mom also wants Dog because it is like her granddog to her. She feels like she needs to protect and take care of the one living thing that Boyfriend left behind. That is what Mom told me during the family meeting. And Boyfriend did spend so much time, energy and love on Dog that it is really like a piece of him. So on a fundamental level, I understand where she is coming from. On every other level, I am just bitter. Thanks for your words. They are very helpful and kind, though I am not in a very hopeful place right now.
• Haha. I am trying not to be angry at Mom myself. I know this story doesn't paint her in the best light, but she has always been a sweet woman, and she always loved and doted on Dog. Her son's death really did devastate her. I keep reminding myself that. I guess giving her Dog was a bit of a thank you for being such wonderful parents and raising a great son that I was able to spend three amazing years with? Yeah, that sounds good. I am going to go with that. Thanks for your words. I am still uncertain whether I did the right thing or not. :)

[FINAL-ish(?) UPDATE] Me [24 F] with my dead boyfriend's mother [50? F]: She wants his dog? [Jan 18 2015]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2st64n/finalish_update_me_24_f_with_my_dead_boyfriends/

Hi Reddit!

Ohkay, I figured since everyone was so nice and supportive on my last few posts, you guys deserve an update on the situation. (Post 1)(Post 2)

First, the embarrassing confession: I became a little bitch for awhile. In all defense, it was real easy to do. I woke up with my alarm at 5 in the morning, stared at the ceiling for a bit and just thought, "Oh, I don't need to take Dog for a run. I guess I don't have to get up." Then it was, "Hmm. I don't really need to go on my evening walk/hike/lake trip/camping trip/etc. as there really isn't no point. No Boyfriend. No Dog. Besides, it's cold. And I am a little bitch."

So I sat in my apartment, going to work, eating take out, watching shitty shows and sleeping. I lost most of my motivation to do anything. I just wallowed in bed a lot, and trying to sleep as much as I could. Because sleeping was the only way I didn't feel so alone.

Luckily, I have one or two good friends who give a few shits. So I woke up one morning to a banging on my door. Friend walked in all business like and simply said, "You're moving." I stood there in my sweatpants because I gained about 15 lbs. in 1 month, my hair in knots, all confused and bedraggled and honestly, pretty stinky. She told me one of our acquaintances needed a new roommate for January, and she thought we would get along well. I protested, and was terrified of losing the one place that was home to me, Boyfriend and Dog... it took her almost a month to convince me to leave my apartment. It was one of the worst moments of my life when I began packing things up, throwing other things away. Almost worse then when Boyfriend died, or when I lost Dog. I can't really explain why I felt so horrible and angry at this particular moment. I am sure a therapist could tell me... oh yeah, I stopped going to grief counseling too so I guess not. Long story short, let's just say I wasn't very happy, but I packed my things and moved them over to Roommate's apartment.

On New Year's Eve, I bought a bottle of wine, sat in our old stripped bare apartment, and all dramatically said good bye to my old life or something. It was a movie moment, really. Oh, and I got copiously drunk and cried for hours with snot running down my face. But mainly, I think it was a touching scene.

Buuuut, I think things are starting to look up. Roommate and I get along great. She owns a lab mix, and the big goofy guy loves cuddling. And it is nice to come to a home that isn't just filled with old T-shirts and abandoned dog toys. I am still a sad panda, but at least I graduated from little bitch: I take showers now.

Now for the good news: Last week, I ended up visiting Dog. She was ecstatic and so excited she might've peed herself a little bit. She looks healthy and happy, and that is what really counts.

But, the best thing is what Dog did. For my boyfriend's father.

Dad probably lost a good 30 lbs. since I last saw him when they came to take Dog away from me. He was excited to tell me all the things he has been doing with Dog. He took up bicycling, and then running, to try to keep Dog well exercised. He and Mom take walks with her in the evening, and began hiking on weekends. Dad sheepishly mentioned that Mom lost some weight as well, and they are both aiming to be healthier this year.

You could tell Dad just doted on Dog. He said that since she was a herding dog, he began taking her to a local farm that trains sheepdogs, but then it turned out she was scared of sheep, so that was that. So now they are trying out agility because he read that border collies are good at agility. I realized he must've read all the resources I gave him on border collies and trying his best to keep Dog happy. He excitedly showed me Dog's Therapy Dog Certification and talked about how they go to a local hospital once a week now.

It was honestly a weird moment for me. It was great to see that Dog was doing well and is happy. I was also touched by Dad's devotion to Dog and also how much he has changed since Boyfriend's accident. He is healthier, happier and enthusiastic. Even though Mom was the one who wanted Dog, I could tell that Dog was really Dad's pup now. Dog adored Dad back. I don't know if it is because Dad and Boyfriend were so similar in looks and personality, but Dog truly loved Dad. And that made me, well, mad. I am only human, really. I know Dog still loves me, she proved that with her overly enthusiastic greeting. But, it was like another check on the list of things that aren't mine anymore. I told Dad that I am ecstatic that everyone is doing well, and how great Dog looked. He beamed with pride, telling me it was the least he could do for the dog his son loved so much. We finished lunch, hugged and then I cried the entire way I drove home.

So that is where I am now. I am starting a new life, and still struggling to take regularly scheduled showers. Dog is doing well with her new home, and she really has brought new hope into Dad's and Mom's lives. I think- no, I know- that I made a great decision for sending Dog to live with Mom and Dad. You guys were right. I am strong and young enough (and it helps that I have wonderful friends) that I think I won't sleep or stink away to death. And Dog has gone off to do amazing things and bring back happiness to parents who have lost a son. Dog is truly an awesome animal and I will continue to miss her everyday, but at least I know she is happy.

So, I think everything is going to be alright.

Wow. That was long. Thanks for reading and being Reddit. :)

TL;DR: I got depressed. Friend helped me get my shit together. I moved to a new home. Still struggling, but I am optimistic. Dog is doing well, and is happy with her new family, especially with Dad who is completely in love her.

Relevant Comments:

• Thank you for the kind words. :) I have to admit, posting this story to Reddit is my selfish outlet. I know deep down I did something good, and on the surface I come off as all honorable, but in reality it was more of what else could I have done? Keep a dead son's dog away from his grieving parents? So it was more of a situation of my hand were tied, and it is only up to me to deal with the after math. I've always been the one to take responsibility and fix problems, so for this story it was more of a natural conclusion than an impressive one... if that makes sense. So yeah, I post to Reddit because I need reminders that I did something good and that is admirable. Because from my viewpoint, it was more that things turned out shitty for poor little me and life isn't fair and woe is me type deal and I am just resigned to my fate. But I can say that I know that I helped some folks out who are dealing with a huge amount of grief, and that I wasn't a total asshat. And really, that is what counts. So thank you for believing in me and reminding me that I did something pretty cool. :)
• It was a pretty okay ending for the situation. There could have been many worse ones, and many better ones, and I know this one is acceptable enough. It was pretty heart warming to see Dad worried and anxious to prove he can be a dog owner despite only owning cats his whole life. He is trying really hard, and I know that is helping him with his grief a lot. Dogs are truly amazing bundles of fluff, and I think this is how Boyfriend would have wanted it. He always had a lot of faith in me.
• Ahhhh, it was really an awkward moment when I found out my jeans were too tight to be comfortable and then realizing I didn't care and ate more ice cream. It was a weird moment for me. Still is because I am still struggling to care. You are right, I need to start exercising again. I know it will help in many ways. I am just being a baby about it. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I don't know if I will visit Dog again anytime soon, because those emotions took a lot out of me. But maybe in the future.
• Oh god. I don't know why packing up the remainder of his things made me so mad. I mean it wasn't really that much because me and his family cleared out a lot of his things soon after he died. It was just all the mutual, mundane things. Like this really shitty skillet. I don't cook with it, it is really really really bad. But I sat there for a whole day just holding this pan trying to figure out what to do with it. All because it was his pan from college and I used to make fun of him for using it all the time and then for his birthday, I got him a super good skillet and that just opened up the rabbit hole to how life used to be. Should still be. The shitty pan just sat squirreled away in a closet forgotten until now where I almost had an existential experience trying to figure out what to do with a shitty ass skillet I will never use. Sorry for your lost and thank you for sharing your story. It is weird how death makes some things so confusing and other things so cut dry. You sound like a very strong and level headed person, so I hope each day you will continue to find some more happiness. Good luck to you too!
• I think I have established an bare home that used to hold a life filled with loved ones is one of the worst things a person has to deal with. I wish that nobody has to deal with that... but I also recognize that this is life and it is unavoidable. If we live long enough, there will eventually be an empty home that we will have to deal with. Sorry to hear about your grandmother. Death is a tough cookie to deal with.

Reminder: I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/wtfpuppymate 7 years ago on r/relationships.