I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/abroaddaughter 5 years ago on r/relationships.

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My [40m] daughter [18f] is planning on getting married and moving abroad with her foreign boyfriend [18m]. Wife [38f] is distraught about her decision and is going crazy. Don't know how to handle her? [Dec 17 2016]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/5iy2cv/my_40m_daughter_18f_is_planning_on_getting/

Our daughter has always been interested in travel and going to other countries. She had the opportunity to go overseas in her early years of high school over the summer to France to study the language more, and she told us it was the best experience of her life. She fell in love with the country, and even talked of moving there. My wife and I didn't really take her too seriously. We had hoped maybe letting her go abroad would quench some of her wanderlust a bit.

In her junior year, she had met this boy that she came to really "like". At first we were not aware that she was dating anyone, and then she told us about him. He was this exchange student from Moscow (although he had told us he had lived in Slovakia for awhile) I was very indifferent on him at first, but as I got to know him a little better he turned out to be what I had hoped my daughter would go after. He treated her right and was a good natured young man, which is all I cared about.

My wife was skeptical of him the whole time. Now that our daughter has come to us about a week ago or so and told us that she is planning on moving back with him (now that his time is almost up) AND that they are getting married, she is beginning to lose her damn mind. She had sat us down and talked to us about the whole situation, saying that she really really liked this guy and wanted to continue their relationship, even if that meant going elsewhere with him.

Her main goal has always seemed to be getting out of here and traveling. She is obsessed with Europe/Asia and basically anyplace that's not here, and this seems to be her golden chance. She's told us since she was young that her main aspiration was moving out the country, but I guess I never really thought it would actually happen. Marriage would help her with making citizenship go a little smoother, and with her gaining temporary residency as she's told us.

They had brought in documents and paperwork that they had printed off to show us it was really serious, and are just planning to privately get married (no big wedding) and leave when its time. The boys parents are supposed to be coming to meet us sometime next year as well.

I just want my daughter to be happy. But this is such a big thing. I never expected that she would make such a decision like this, all this quickly. I'm terrified at the idea of her moving halfway across the world, where I won't he able to be there if anything shall happen. I trust her "fiancé", but I also feel a bit upset that he's taking her so far away from me, as selfish as that may sound.

My wife has been handling it a lot worse than I have. She's been a wreck. Crying, trying to bribe our daughter not to go (offering her money), and was even becoming physically violent toward her boyfriend a few times. The way she's been acting is actually a little frightening, I have never really seen her act so desperate. I understand where she's coming from, but how can I get her to calm down about this situation a bit? I guess some advice for the both if us on how to support our daughter more and push aside our own personal feelings would be helpful...

tl;dr: Daughter is planning on moving overseas and getting married to this foreign boy she is in love with. Wife is breaking down and can't seem to handle it and is starting to go crazy. Advice...

Relevant Comments:

• Multiple commenters comment on what a bad idea giving up US Citizenship is for Russian Citizenship in terms of protection while abroad (for getting out of unsafe situations, bad marriages, natural disasters, etc). OOP: I have talked to her about all the things you and others are saying. Her mind is set on being with her boyfriend. She does care about travel and knows it might limit her a bit, but her main focus is settling down in Moscow for awhile before they just go off and start traveling. She does not care about how valuable her citizenship is as I've mentioned before; nor does she care that some people would love to have her citizenship....she only cares about leaving here and getting as far as possible. That's what she has told us. These are her words. I cannot change her mind when she already has that mindset. If she really wants to become russian/ or whatever else, she's gonna do it regardless of the consequences.
• We just had a recent conversation more about this. I should of put this in my explanation but she does have a visa, they decided to enroll her in this program there that will help with gaining it at her age a little more easily (like a school, but not a college). It will allow her to stay there for a good amount of time, which I think is needed before her applying for temporary residency. That is mainly what triggered my wife's "rage". What they really are working on now is the marriage and the documents that come along with it. The young man helped her with obtaining it and took care of some of the complications, she told me. They are not really revealing a lot about how they were able to get it however. I am still not all sure on how all that works.
• My apologies for confusing you- yes they are going back to Moscow. She is going to be staying with him and his parents while they are getting their lives together. Apparently his family has a business and he's looking to get her a job there. I'm not sure if she's planning on studying abroad, I'll have to talk to her more about that. Thanks for reminding me of those other things I definitely need to bring up with her! She's been really considerate with sharing with me some of the things she's having to work through, so that's a step.

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UPDATE: My [40m] daughter [18f] is planning on getting married and moving abroad with her foreign boyfriend [18m]. Wife [38f] is distraught about her decision and going crazy. [May 2 2017]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/68whtg/update_my_40m_daughter_18f_is_planning_on_getting/

This is an update from a few months ago. A lot has happened since then, the day after I posted the first topic he actually invited us to come back home with him for New year's. The plan originally was for his parents to come here for my wife and I to meet but I thought it would be a good idea for me to go and see where my daughter was going to be living firsthand. My wife, unfortunately refused to go, so she stayed.

So we went, and while we were there stayed at his family's house. They were all extremely friendly and welcoming towards us, and even had a dinner ready for us when we arrived. There was a slight language barrier between them and I as they didn't know much English (my daughter can actually speak good Russian as she has studied the language for a few years), so a lot of translating had to be done, but we did have a meaningful interaction and I did learn a lot about them as a family. They were more than happy to answer any of my questions.

For the remainder of the week we traveled to St. Petersburg, where we stayed to celebrate the New Year's. It honestly was one of the best times I've had in a while, especially since New Year's is such a huge deal there, and being able to spend it in that beautiful city with my daughter.

I could see my daughter was having the time of her life the whole time we were there, she was so in love with everything and really got to exercise her Russian speaking skills. I really did get to see her and her boyfriend's relationship up close and personal also while there, and I see that they really are a close, loving couple, regardless of the age (because to be fair, my wife and did get married when we were very young). And about the marriage they were talking about, they have decided to hold it off for a few more years, until things get settled in and they at least get out of their teens.

In February we then went to France, where her boyfriend had his 19th birthday. It was during that time that my daughter had a very serious (and somewhat emotional) talk with me, basically telling me that she knows mom and I don't really support her decisions, but this is what she really wants to do. I told her that she shouldn't feel pressured to live her life based on what my wife or I want her to do, and that as long as she's happy, I'm fine with it. And that I will always be here if she needs me.

To wrap all this up I definitely have learned a lot about places that I was ignorant about before, or that I held very arrogant/ignorant beliefs about. Going on the trip has changed my view on the world, and even on my own country as well, and I can finally understand why my daughter is so passionate about traveling, and other countries cultures and such. We are now back in the states and my daughter and the boy are planning to leave this summer, and while I still am nervous for her, I am a lot less terrified as I was in the last post about her leaving. As for my wife, she is still very upset and is being stubborn, but I guess it will just have to pass naturally for her, and hopefully one day she is able to calmly speak to our daughter about this (and also apologize to the boy for physically assaulting him so many times).

tl;dr: We all traveled to Russia (except for wife) for New year's and I got to see and experience the culture in which my daughter will be moving to this summer. My attitude and view on this all has changed as I gained a new perspective and daughter and I have a similar mindset about her moving now. Her mother still disagrees and is angry with her, but there's nothing else that can be done about her.

Relevant Comments:

• Commenter asks if OOP has any idea how common human trafficking is in that part of the world, and that it doesn't just happen to poor people who lack any resources to escape. OOP: There are risks regardless of where she will go, but I do understand your concern. To be fair, there has been a big thing happening over here with Washington DC with girls disappearing, unfortunately that industry is a huge disgusting business. I don't really hold the opinion that its worse over there (Maybe the case in 3rd world countries) but maybe its because I hear so many stories about kids and these sex scandals where we're from. But I do feel better about her being there with natives, that know the country and its dangerous areas/scams, then just being over there alone without help.
• Regardless of if she stays in Russia or goes elsewhere in Europe her plan wasn't really to come back and live in the US. So considering that I think it would be smart for her to give up her citizenship, so she wouldn't have to deal with the taxes situation and such.
• I didn't say she was just going to give it up right away. But she already knows what she needs to do to gain citizenship, and is working toward that. I know this could be hard for some people to understand but other than my wife and I she has no other family here (the family we do speak with are in Canada, and wife and I have even spoke about moving there in a couple years). She doesn't want to keep her citizenship, for many reasons other than taxes that I'm not going to discuss due to personal reasons. There is a lot that I couldn't include in this post, but trust me we've been through everything and have a plan, and backup plans if that doesn't work out. I know you're just informing me, but all of this we've been through.
• Commenter [abridged comment somewhat]: I'm starting to suspect your wife is the rational one and thinking long term and you're just happy to be the "cool dad" who is totes okay with his daughter doing whatever... I sincerely hope your wife remains level headed enough to be able to help your daughter out since you clearly have no idea what you are getting yourself into. Continue to pat yourself on the back though for "supporting" your daughter. OOP: I definitely will over an internet stranger telling us what we do and don't have figured out. I don't understand why you're so upset...we already have things in place for her there (a job, living situation etc.) She's 19 anyway so I have to let her go sometime. My wife still thinks she's our little baby and the main reason I believe she's upset is because she always had this dream of our daughter going to college and working a job similar to ours. I do support her figuring things out for herself and making her own decisions as that's how she's gonna have to learn in the adult world.

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Editor's Note: It is worth pointing out that the US is considered a Tier 1 country in regards to human trafficking and Russia is Tier 3. Tier 1: Countries whose governments fully meet the Trafficking Victims Protection Act’s (TVPA) minimum standards. Tier 3: Countries whose governments do not fully meet the minimum standards and are not making significant efforts to do so.

Reminder: I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/abroaddaughter 5 years ago on r/relationships.