I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/thattimeshesmiled 7 years ago on r/relationships.

light editing done for clarity.

My [24M] live-in girlfriend [23F] of 5 years has made a new 'friend' [25M]. I'm not sure if I should go to his new years eve party. [Dec 19 2014]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2przj8/my_24m_livein_girlfriend_23f_of_5_years_has_made/

Morning, Reddit! I'm posting this issue I've been dealing with under this new alias account, because who I am and where I live is very easily derivable from some of the posts I made from my main account. I hope that's okay!

My girlfriend and I have been together for more than 5 years now. We met freshman year in university and started dating soon thereafter. She finished up her bachelors and started working freelance in film - the kind you can watch in a movie theater - while I'm currently finishing up my masters. A little more than a year ago, we moved in together. We've had that plan for a while longer, but decided to go for it when she couldn't live near campus anymore. We're splitting rent ~80/20 and I try to chip in as much as possible using the money I'm making doing research for my master thesis and a side gig here and there. This was her idea. If you need any more background intel to assess my situation described below, feel free to ask!

Now, my girlfriend doesn't have a lot of friends. She's always known a few people whom she can hangout with - and will hangout with - about two times a year or so but she wouldn't call them her besties. I have a very close group of friends, I've been friends with some of them for over 15 years and my girlfriend and I see them very often. Either we go over to their homes, they visit ours or we hangout elsewhere etc. I'd like to say that over the years my friends have become my girlfriends friends too.

About a month or three ago, my girlfriend started working on an independent film which was shot a few hours away from our home. As is usual with other projects she's done, she and the rest of the crew spent the nights on or near the set because they work very long days to get things done. Enter this camera-operator whom we shall call 'Jake'. Jake and the missus have become good friends while they closely worked together on the film. I thought this was great news and she seemed very happy about making a new friend she can talk too and share things with who isn't my friend too or was my friend first.

I was very happy for her, until one night she came home and told me she'd like to think of Jake as more than a friend, but that nothing had happened. She was very upset when she told me she might have a crush on the guy and I could tell that she didn't know how to deal with what she was feeling. She went no-contact with him for a while, which was logistically easy since their work together on the film was done anyway.

During the week or two after that, she was very 'restless'. I'm not sure how to properly describe this as English isn't my mother tongue, but I could tell she was sad that she had 'lost' the one good friend she made in a long time. The week after that a new version of one of her favourite plays was opening in a local theater, but I couldn't make it because of work. I suggested she take Jake and see it together, since she had mentioned before that he is into things like that as much as she is. All in good faith.

(This is getting a little long. I'm sorry. It's like I'm writing another thesis!)

As is tradition in the film industry, when the film is done there is a party to celebrate it. There's two kinds: the premiere party which is for the crew, their spouses and special guests and the wrap-up party which is for crew and special invitees only. Obviously she went to the wrap-up party as it is a great way to network and land new gigs. She came home crying the day after the party going on about how she got a little drunk and that something had happened between her and Jake. When she calmed down, she told me the two of them had kissed but that she had stopped him mid-kiss and realised that what she was doing was wrong. Now I'm all for second chances, so we talked about it for what seemed like a very long day and she seemed to really regret it.

Last week, Jake came over to our place to a party I was hosting. It was very awkward. My best friend who I always share everything with, picked up on it and asked me multiple times that night if everything was okay. I wasn't sure. Nothing really odd had happened that night, but something just didn't feel right. My friend suggested I tell my girlfriend to stop seeing Jake again, but I don't think I can do that again because I forgave her for what happened and she got very sad the first time she went no-contact with the guy.

Jake was a very nice guy and he told me that he is hosting a new years eve party, which my girlfriend had mentioned earlier as well. She is very excited about going to that party and she really wants me to come, too. I don't know how I feel about this, but we don't yet have any other plans either. After my party, I mentioned another end of the year party we were both invited to but she seemed very sad about not being able to go to Jake his party. She added that her priority was spending new years eve with me and that she didn't want to go to Jake his party without me, but that she would be very sad if we didn't go together. Over the last few days she has become very 'pushy' about wanting to hear an answer from me about the parties, constantly stressing that she really doesn't want to go alone.

I'm not really sure what my question is. Writing all of the above down helped a bit in assessing the entire situation myself. I'm just not sure what to do or what to tell her. Reddit, what would you do?

Relevant Comments:

• I posted my reply to this to another poster's reply, too. My problem with this is that I know that they will eventually meet each other again at another gig or at another work-related party. Part of my reasoning for not telling her to go no-contact again yet is that I don't want them to randomly meet at some party, drink too much and escalate the entire thing to another level. Is it not better for us if I casually hang out with at his party? Either he or she might back off more because of it?
• I think I'm just having a hard time coping with the fact that putting my foot down hard here is a reasonable response. This entire thing is new to me and I don't want to be controlling, but as you and another poster keep pressing: maybe a little control is good - and reasonable - in this situation.
• Yes, you are reading that right. She started working full-time after getting her bachelors and I am finishing up my masters degree while working a little on the side. I lived on campus - as did she - but when she graduated she couldn't live in a student home anymore. It was her idea to move in together - the initial plan was for her to get a flat - and it was her idea to split 80/20. I have a great job lined up when I'm done, so I'm not really sure if this is really an issue for her. Could you elaborate on why you think this is related?

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[Update] My [24M] live-in girlfriend [23F] of 5 years has made a new 'friend' [25M]. I'm not sure if I should go to his new years eve party. [Dec 31 2014]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2qwoiv/update_my_24m_livein_girlfriend_23f_of_5_years/

Before I say anything else, I really want to thank all of you for your kind (and sometimes harsh - but definitely needed!) replies to my original post. A few of you recommended I read some books, which I did, and one of you even bought me a copy of a book about being less of a doormat. Thank you all for your help and your understanding answers.

Now, onto the current situation we go: we're not going to Jake his NYE party. She understands that I really don't want to see him and that going to his party is totally uncool and will mess up our relationship. She insists that I am her first priority and she doesn't want to lose me.

As some of you suggested, I kept asking questions about what really had happened because the entire situation was very vaguely described to me. At first she told me she and Jake had only kissed once, but later she admitted to making out with him. A day after that when we were discussing the situation again, she got very mad when I mentioned the two of them making out.

Apparently that was not what had happened after all, but they did kiss multiple times on different occasions. (Which I honestly find worse than a single make-out session.) A few hours later she told me they were hugging too, but the next morning that didn't happen at all either.

When I confronted her about her bullshit, she said that she was very drunk and that she didn't remember clearly what had happened that night. What I did find out for sure, was that apparently some things happened on other nights, too. I'm not sure what to think and I'm not sure what to believe.

Now that you have my description of our 'progress', I have to say that I feel like I'm really standing on an imaginary crossroad. She clearly regrets the entire situation and is very upset about not knowing for sure what had happened and about the possibility of losing me over all of this. I think we might be able to work things out, too. I've been thinking about this a lot and I'm really unsure about everything. I don't want to throw away a multiple year relationship and our house, but I don't want to suck it up and be a doormat again either.

There is one thing that is clear to me that needs to happen for me if I decide I want to work on fixing our relationship: she has to go no contact with Jake. Literally every single one of you who posted in my original thread told me this has to happen for things to work out and I agree. My friends feel the same way.

Here's the problem: she doesn't. She's sure that she can be 'just friends' with him and that he feels the same way. She doesn't feel like it is 'fair' that she has to get rid of a good friendship now that it is just that: a friendship.

While I have you people and my friends to talk to about this, she doesn't have anyone to talk to about this but me and him. Judging from my last thread, the general opinion is that she cannot she him anymore and I totally agree. I think we can safely say that he, Jake, doesn't agree with this at all so she's figuratively tied between two running horses.

Over the last few days, she started to see my point of few so I thought we were going to be able to save our relationship after all. However, apparently, she talked to her parents about this entire situation last night. They agree with her. I don't understand this at all. They've always liked me and I cannot understand their reasoning when they say it is unreasonable of me to ask her to stop seeing Jake as a friend. It isn't unreasonable, is it? I feel like she threw away the possibility of them being friends and me being okay with that when she decided to kiss him multiple times.

I'm having a very hard time coping with this today and I don't know what to do. I feel like her parents made her stand her ground even more, while I'm standing my ground on the opposite side of the spectrum. We're both not ready to just abandon our relationship either and I'm not even sure how I can handle breaking up with her if it comes to that. I'm not even sure how to break up with someone.

Help?

tl;dr: My girlfriend doesn't want to stop seeing Jake as a friend. She truly believes they are just that, friends, now and that it won't be weird. Her parents are siding with her and she's standing her ground. I'm standing my ground saying that she has to stop seeing him. We're not ready to break up. Help?

Relevant Comments:

• She's friends (meaning she sees him on her and his birthday) with one of her exes and I'm totally fine with that. He was before me and there is no hard feelings between the two of us. I even like hanging out with him...She thinks it [the relationship with Jake] is no different from being friends with her ex even though she'll want to spend more time with this guy and she made out with him while she was in a relationship with me. I need her to see this, because if it isn't we are done. Like you said, this is totally different.
• It is the 'kissing multiple times' thing that gets to me the most. She wouldn't answer when I asked her if all these 'kisses' happened on that one night or if they all involved being drunk, so I guess we can extrapolate her answer from that..

[Final Update] My [24M] live-in girlfriend [23F] of 5 years has made a new 'friend' [25M]. I'm not sure if I should go to his new years eve party. [Jan 5 2015]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2reb5f/final_update_my_24m_livein_girlfriend_23f_of_5/

So, we broke up. I feel like shit. She feels like shit, too, allegedly.

We didn't go to Jake's NYE party. She understood that going to his party was a no-go for me, so we went to another party hosted by one of my friends. At the party she was very distant, reclusive and constantly on her phone to the dismay of the host. I think we all know who she was texting..

On our way back from the party - she wanted to leave maybe half an hour after midnight - she didn't say a word. When we arrived at our place, she immediately went to bed and stayed in bed ignoring me until the evening of the first day of the new year.

When she finally came downstairs she told me we needed to talk and she made it clear that she had no intention of going no-contact with Jake, but that meeting him shed some light on some issues she had with our relationship (mostly things I did and didn't do) and that she wanted us to work on those things. She emphasized that Jake and herself were 'just friends'. We broke up when I stood my ground and told her that I had no intention of being in a relationship with 3 people. Packing a small bag of stuff and leaving to crash at a friend his place while she was crying her heart out on the sofa was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Over the last few days I've moved most of my things to my friend his place and I've spoken to her twice. She's very upset about the entire situation and regrets everything. She even offered to go no-contact with Jake after all.. But emphasized the fact that it wouldn't matter, because he and her are just friends now and that she'll want to work on our own issues.

I'm done and my friends and family are and have been very supportive, but I'm having a very hard time coping with all of it. One moment I'm glad that it is over and I know that I've done the right thing, but the next moment I regret everything and desperately want to make things work out again despite knowing that things will never be the same.

I still love this woman so much and I'm having a very hard time distancing myself from 'us'. Whenever my phone rings I hope it's her, I constantly slip up and say things like 'we' and 'my girlfriend' and most of my stuff remind of of her. I think the best thing to do is for me to go no-contact with her, but I miss being together with her so much already and we still have a lot of shared things - like the house - we need to take care of.

The fact that she's completely ignoring her fling with Jake and seems to blame our break-up entirely on issues in our relationship which we could've fixed isn't helping either.

If you're still reading, I want to take this moment to sincerely thank you. All of you have helped me get through this situation so much already. If it weren't for all your great advice, I would probably still be stuck in some sort of limbo between being unhappy with her and Jake doing stuff behind my back and being too afraid to do something about it.