I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

The original poster is u/anelaboratedivorce. Originally posted 6 years ago on r/relationships.

My [26F] mom's [54F] plan to surprise my dad [55M] with a divorce is kind of cruel [Dec 12 2015]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3wku4h/my_26f_moms_54f_plan_to_surprise_my_dad_55m_with/

My parent's have been married for almost 30 years. Their marriage is not great. My dad's the kind of person who will come home from work and get angry that there isn't dinner on the table. Growing up, my dad never treated my mother like an equal. She was expected to do all the housework and look after the children, and dote on her husband at all times.

My parents have been empty nesting for a few years now. I have one younger sister, and we are both out of the house and have our own lives. Neither of us kids have particularly LIKED our dad. Like, we love him in the way that you love family, and we are grateful that he provided for us and helped us pay for college. But my dad is an asshole who treats my mom poorly, and I never respected him for this.

I recently got brunch with my mother, and she dropped some pretty heavy news. She's planning on divorcing my father. I was honestly relieved and happy for her that she's finally doing this, but her plan to do so is rather troubling.

My parents are Chinese immigrants. My dad's best friend growing up (Daniel) and his family have been saving up for a trip to the US for years. They will be visiting my parents over Christmas. My dad, naturally, put the burden of this whole trip on my mother. He told her to organize their whole vacation, planning meals, reservations, activities, etc. Basically my mom is expected to be the complete tour guide and handle all the stress and organization of their visit (including picking them up from the airport) while my dad just gets to hang out with his childhood friend and not deal with anything. My mom doesn't even KNOW these people.

Apparently, however, this was the last straw for my mom. She is retaliating. She has only been pretending to organize this trip and faked a bunch of reservations and stuff to appease my dad. My dad thinks everything is organized and Daniel's family is being completely taken care of. Her plan, instead, is to serve him with divorce papers the day she is supposed to pick up Daniel's family from the airport. My dad will be out of town on business up until the day Daniel arrives, so she will be moved out by then. Daniel's family will be stranded at the airport, and my dad will come home to an empty house and no family.

While I support the divorce, I can't help but feel like this plan is a little too cruel. She can be as vindictive towards my father as she wants, but to drag another family into this seems unfair. My dad completely deserves this, but Daniel didn't do anything, and his family doesn't deserve to fly into the US and face this level of commotion.

Is it my place to say anything? I voiced to my mother my concerns and she basically was like "fuck it and fuck him." I barely talk to my father, but I don't know who I should reach out to or who I can talk some sense into.

My dad has never been violent towards my mom or anything, but I'm also nervous about what would happen if I told my father the truth before my mom has had a chance to gather herself and move out of the house without him being present. It just seems like an explosive argument waiting to happen.

tl;dr: My dads family friends are visiting. My mother was assigned the responsibility to handle their whole trip, including picking them up from the airport. Instead, my mom is going to do nothing and serve my dad divorce papers, leaving this visiting family stranded and cause a lot of commotion.

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[UPDATE] My [26F] mom's [54F] plan to surprise my dad [55M] with a divorce is kind of cruel [Jan 19 2016]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/41nwlk/update_my_26f_moms_54f_plan_to_surprise_my_dad/

Thank you to everyone who replied. It's been about a month since my post. Reading everyone's responses made a few things to me very clear, that I especially had not thought of before:

• It is highly unlikely that Daniel's family being "stranded" at a large international airport in the US would be that big of an issue. They speak good enough English, they have cell phones, they have money, they have my Dad's contact information.
• My mom's decision to wait for him to get his news until he returns from his trip is a strategic one, so she can move out calmly and safely. While my father is not physically abusive, he certainly would not let my mom leave comfortably. She doesn't need that stress.
• While some suggested that I step in and take over her duties, others claimed that it was risky for me to take over this role--my father may then just see me as replacement for his wife. This may set a bad precedent.
• While I initially found her plan to be cruel, some of you rightly pointed out that surely this act of cruelty pales tremendously compared to the years of mistreatment she has dealt with.

So, Reddit, I opted to know nothing and do nothing. Here's what happened. Around the time Daniel's family was to be picked up, I get a phone call from my father. I decided (especially since this was the middle of a workday) to ignore it, because I frankly did not want to get wrapped up in the commotion. He called again and then sent me a series of texts, demanding to know the whereabouts of my mother.

Now, if you recall, my father had been on a business trip this entire week. His first chain of messages/calls was when had a layover in Denver. He was to be in Denver for 3 hours before he could get on his connection home. This means that, at this point, my dad is aware that Daniel's family has not been picked up (because Daniel obviously called my father) and that my mother was not answering her phone, but he did not know why. He also called my younger sister, who said she genuinely had no idea what was going on, but also lived out of state so was unable to help (I later find out that my sister was also briefed by my mother about what might happen so that she wouldn't get caught off guard, and she was just playing a fool to help my mother along). I eventually text my dad back saying I have no idea what is going on, but I'm very busy at work and won't be able to get back to him for a while.

My dad, unable to find immediate answers, told Daniel there must have been some miscommunication. He told them to get a cab from the airport to the house and just make themselves at home until my father could get to them. He gave Daniel the keycode to the house, told him to call back once Daniel and his family were safely at home.

Here's where things get a bit theatrical. My mother apparently attached the divorce papers to an easel, with a nice big DIVORCE label and note, and placed the easel right at the entrance hall to the house so it's the first thing you see once you open the door. So, as you guess it, who get's the divorce news first? Daniel and his family. Daniel then has to tell my father that my mother is divorcing him.

This is precisely what happens (Daniel recounts this in private to me later, which is how I know). But apparently my father went through a range of emotions, from disbelief, to a fumbling stutter, to anger, you name it. This, by the way, is happening while he is at the Denver airport, surrounded by his colleagues. He then has to, presumably, give some sort of explanation to his work friends and deal with an awkward and uncomfortable plane ride back home.

Long story short, my dad was incredibly embarrassed and flustered. He had no idea what to do or how to help himself or anyone. Daniel actually ended up coming to the rescue, because he is apparently quite the meticulous planner and had many suggestions for activities and sightseeing. Basically, Daniel took charge of his own vacation, while my dad fumbled around like a lost puppy, just tagging along their trip while being completely discombobulated.

I expected my dad to put on a farce for Daniel and his family and pretend things were fine, but he was unable to do that at all. I think he legitimately and honestly believed that my mom would never leave him, and was too much at a loss for words to even be angry.

Later on, I stepped in to help out Daniel's family and make sure they were doing okay, giving my dad some time to himself. Overall, while they weren't wined and dined in quite the way the probably expected, Daniel seemed like a good and understanding friend, and they managed to have a productive vacation. Daniel said towards the end, when the shock had worn off, my dad and he were able to have a little fun. It was probably a good thing that Daniel was around to help my dad through it.

As for my parents, in general, they are only communicating through their lawyers. My mom moved out to her own apartment. She hasn't told my father where she lives, and I am completely staying out of it. My mom seems like a brand new person to me. I am incredibly happy for her for being so brave and finally taking charge of her own life.

My dad is pathetic and completely helpless. He's been wrapping himself up in his work and eating lots of takeout. I've been careful with my involvement: I will be supportive enough so he doesn't feel completely alone, but I am adamant to not become some sort of caregiver for him. I refuse to answer questions about my mothers whereabouts, but I do express sympathy for her. It's important for me to make sure my father recognizes that honestly, I am on my mothers side, and that I never agreed with the way he treated her. That being said, I am also careful not to antagonize my parents towards each other. I want this breakup to be as clean as possible.

tl;dr I didn't intervene. Daniel had to get to the house on his own, where he found my parents divorce papers. Daniel had to tell my father that my mother was divorcing him. Daniel ended up taking charge of his own vacation, my dad tagged along, I helped a little. My mom is on her own and happier than ever, my dad is completely lost.

Relevant Comments:

• Yes, my mom works. She makes less than my dad, but more than enough to support herself. I would say in terms of distribution my dad probably made around 60% of our household wealth; my mom 40%.
• In response to a (heavily down-voted) comment about how OOP's mom needed to take personal responsibility and walk away sooner instead of "allowing all of this to happen to her":

I'm going to give you some specific examples of why she didn't just leave/ take "personal responsibility" because I think your victim blaming tirade is pure crap

Cultural stigma: Even grasping your head around the concept of divorce is such feat when you grow up in China and are raised in a traditional family, when every family you know follows the same pattern of subservient wife and oppressive husband. That mentality dictates your worldview and it is way harder to pick up and leave it.

Dependence: Even when you get over the cultural stigma, you come to realize that this man, your husband, is your only connection out here in the states. You moved to the US to be with him and your family. Everyone else you know is back home in China

Emotional manipulation: Do you think abusers behave this way when you first meet them? A classic pattern of emotional abuse is this kind of manipulation, where they are attentive and caring for months, even years, before their true colors start to show. By the time you even get to that point, each instance of abuse seems like such a confusing and even "just-once" type instance. You can justify it to yourself for YEARS.

Trauma: I bet you don't even begin to understand how much it fucks up your mental state when someone you are supposed to love and who loves you back continually treats you like a servant, who yells at you for not preparing dinner, who consistently embarrasses you in public for not complying (one time my mom was out getting her hair done, and my dad stormed into the salon and yelled at her for not answering her phone).

Children: My mom waited until both my sister and I graduated college and had our own jobs and lives before she even tried to formulate a plan for her own existence. This is a tremendous sacrifice and so incredibly selfless on her part. So your "some people have no options such as children or people being held captive but this woman had options" line makes zero sense.

I think your self righteousness, especially since you hadn't even READ THE POST before you started commenting, is completely vile.

Reminder: I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

The original poster is u/anelaboratedivorce. Originally posted 6 years ago on r/relationships.