I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayiwonderwhy

My [21F] boyfriend's [23M] relationship with his teddybear is making me uncomfortable

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice Original

TRIGGER WARNING: unwanted sexual contact, emotional abuse, implications of bodily functions, likely mental health issues

Original Post - rareddit  Jan 4, 2020

Okay now please no joke this is actually serious. Also, this is a throwaway account and I was an idiot when writing my name and typed throwaway instead of throwra. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months now, so it's pretty new. So far everything is going well except this tiny little detail. He has this teddy bear, let's name him Teddy. Teddy has always been a part of my boyfriend's life : he got him for his birth and when at around the age of 5 or 6 (or whatever age is the appropriate age to remove a teddy bear from a child) his parents tried taking Teddy away from him, he screamt and cried so loud without stopping they ended up giving up. So he kept Teddy with him his whole life.

He mentionned Teddy to me pretty early, about a week after us being together. He showed me pictures of him and I found it cute at first. He had plenty of pictures of him in different situations (him with a mug, him laying in bed, him studying...). I truly found it adorable since I thought it was just a joke really and didn't think that Teddy was such a big part of his life. The more we got to know eachother the more he started mentionning him. He'd often make jokes about him. When he had to come back to his flat, he'd say "I have to come back Teddy is waiting for me" and then later he'd text me "ok I put Teddy to bed so now I might go to sleep as well i don't want to wake him up". Again, a little weird but cute still. But he really started talking about him constantly, always linking what we were doing to him ("Oh I wish Teddy was with us to see that", "Teddy doesn't really like people so I won't take him with me for this party" etc...) . He'd send me selfies with him at least twice a week.

He also sometimes said weird stuff like whenever we watched a sex scene in a movie he'd say "that's what me and Teddy do when we're alone" or when i asked when he lost his virginity he answered "oh I lost it with Teddy a few years ago". They were jokes that made me uncomfortable. He always seemt to consider him as a baby/his son/his brother, so him being sexualised was extremely weird for me. I told him then that it was weird and he just laughed but I don't think he took me seriously.

About a month ago, I told him I was okay with him bringing Teddy when he was staying around my flat. I could see it was making him sad to leave him, and also was very curious to finally see him in person (I can't go to my boyfriend's flat, there are rules that are strict, he can't invite anyone). So that day I drove to his flat and he went with all his stuff and Teddy. When he got in the car he pulled him out from his bag and had him give me a kiss on the cheek. When we drove, he opened the window and put Teddy out of the car (a bit like a dog would). He said it was rare for Teddy to travel like that and he could feel that he was happy. Teddy smells a lot, my boyfriend hasn't washed him in 12 YEARS. For the rest of the car drive, he hugged him and gave him kisses.

He has weird "twitch" where he just compulsively pats the back of Teddy (it makes a weird sound because Teddy used to be able to play music when you pressed his belly). He always rubs Teddy's clothes inbetween his fingers (you can guess that Teddy is in a pretty bad state, he used to be red and now he's just grey). When we're together in bed, he always puts Teddy's mouth on my mouth and I always avoid it as I find it disgusting (and I told him that I hate it but he doesn't listen). He always tries to have Teddy touch my boobs or my arse. When we make love, I often end up finding him inbetween us and every time I throw him away my bf says "oh no he likes to watch" in a joking way. He often mentions us having a threesome with Teddy, him (Teddy) being great at licking, and them always doing kinky stuff together.

Now I'm not an idiot. I know communication is important. I tried talking to him so many times. Sometimes in a joking way too so he doesn't feel attacked (like once, I asked who would he choose if he had to choose between me and Teddy, he said Teddy), but also so many times in a serious way (I told him I didn't like when he was rubbing Teddy on my face and body, I told him I found his relationship with him way too intense and weird) but every time he didn't take it seriously, made jokes, and never truly told me what he thought. I should mention that he is like that for any serious conversation, all he does is make awkward jokes and he never tells me how he feels (he said I love you first because he was drunk).

This is becoming hard to handle. I have been away from him for two weeks and was kind of relieved I wouldn't see Teddy anymore, but all he did was send pictures, and whenever I asked him "what are you doing" or "what did you do today" is answer was "playing with Teddy". Today he told me I was perfect, which was a first and I sure didn't expect that (he doesn't give a lot of compliment). When he said that I said "really ?" and his reply was "actually no, Teddy is perfect, you come way after him". I just gave up and didn't reply.

I have 3 questions. 1) Am I overreacting, am I the one not being tolerant enough, am I some boring girlfriend who can't welcome some childishness in her couple ? 2) What should I do, should I let him live his life with Teddy, should I ask him to make a real choice, should I ask him to just stop the sexual jokes... Like, who am I to ask such things I don't know ? Is it my place to tell him to stop being so weird with his teddy bear ? And 3) How do I get him to finally talk to me and take me seriously ? ​ TLDR : my bf has a weird relationship with his teddy bear, he considers him as a baby/a son but still makes very sexual jokes about him, often involving me by having him touch my body and it's making uncomfortable, what can I do.

UPDATE : I did not except to get that many replies, i woke up to a crazy amount of messages so thank you all so much! Now you all really scared me as fuck, I need to see him today so I will tell you how it went. I'm not sure what to do yet but I'll definitely have a serious talk with him (I'll try) and then depending on his answer I'll either give him a chance or say goodbye.

TOP COMMENTS

Chip_Man5674

How on earth am I still single

bapadious

Cos you don’t have an kickass wingman like Teddy, who’s willing to do three ways and shit.

4am

I bet Teddy looks radiant under a strong black light.

~

buttbutt_butt_butt

Seriously. What the fuck?

I’ve been married for a couple years, and as an average looking woman I ran into my fair share of weird dudes while dating.

...but what??

If I had told my girlfriends even a light version of this dudes behavior they would be holding an intervention for me to get away from him ASAP.

Even if this was only a strange, immature coping mechanism, it’s still not acceptable. The fact that he has strongly implied that he uses “teddy” as a masturbation aid...what?!

I love my husband, but if he started carting around a pocket pussy and made me kiss it/touch it without my consent..?

If women like OP exist who are willing to put up with shot like this, barring you being some kind of Ted Bundy weirdo, I also have no idea why you’re single.

goldenmummies

*Teddy Bundy

~

abortionlasagna

So uh I’m pretty sure I used to be friends with this dude on Facebook and ended up blocking him.... he had several profiles, one for Teddy, and would harass the hell outta women then blame it on Teddy. He told one of my friends he hopes she gets raped, and then blamed it on Teddy and tried to re-add her on a different account. He has a comic/novel or something he’s working on about him and Teddy, and he makes the girls who block him or get upset with him the villains they defeat. If it’s the same dude, he’s out of his fucking mind and you need to run.

Edit: I didn't wanna unblock the guy's profiles, because i have to wait 48 hours to block him again and he scares me, but i found one of his many profiles that seems to be abandoned. He uses an alias so I dunno if OP would recognize the name. However, his profile is full of photos of the creepy old bear so maybe she'll recognize the bear. This is Teddy.

I certainly hope there's not two of these creepazoids running around. This particular dude has a crime scene photo of a dead rape victim laying facedown in a field as his cover photo so if it's the same dude she needs to bail, change her phone number, and move.

Edit II: Thanks got the gold and silver! The thread is locked now so I can’t reply to anyone, but OP confirmed this is not Teddy.

Update - rareddit  Jan 5, 2020 (Next day)

First of all I'd like to say thank you to you all, I did not expect to get that many comments. I'm safe for those who were worried. You all really scared me though. I had many questions that were asked so I'm quickly going to reply to the ones I saw the most often :

Why are you with this guy ? Are you insecure ? Why are you standards so low ? (etc..) I obviously didn't write down his nicest description. Apart from this weird teddy bear fetish, he was a completly normal guy, with friends, going to parties, studying and so on... He is quite the "popular guy" in fact even though I don't care about this kind of thing. He took me on dates and made me feel special. I really thought he was a keeper. At the beginning him being a little childish didn't bother me. I myself have stuffed pets and even though they're in the cupboard I used to love them as a kid. That's when he started sexualising his bear and involving me in it that I freaked out. The problem is, it's so hard to tell when he's joking or not. He constantly makes jokes. That's why I never could tell whether I was overreacting or not (is he just joking or does he mean what he says ?). However the one thing I really didn't see coming and you guys helped me realise it, is his lack of respect towards me and my boundaries. Sometimes it's easier to see from an extern point of view. This whole time I was too focused wondering whether it was normal or not for me to feel uncomfortable, and I didn't realise that not once did he help me feel more comfortable despite me telling him how I felt. Thank you a lot because that's the one thing you all really helped me for, I would have probably taken more time to realise it on my own even though it now looks obvious.

About the guy who said he knew him (abortionlasagna) : (Un)fortunately it wasn't him. Thank you so much for help though.

Run away, he's going to kill you, he's a psychopath etc.. Although his behaviour is extremly weird I don't see him hurting anyone. But obviously it's easier for me to tell since you all had to base your opinion on what I said. He doesn't match the pyschopath personnality at all. I'm not allowed to visit him because he lives in a private home (a person hosts him in one of their bedroom) and this person doesn't allow any visit. It is weirdly strict yes, but it's believable and I've seen his sister once who confirmed that she couldn't visit him herself. One thing is sure though, although he may not hurt anyone, he seems to have serious problems and I'm not sure I can handle it.

It's fake, it looks like the movie TED : I know it all looks surreal but it is true. I have multiple pictures of Teddy if some of you are interested. I know a lot about Teddy's past because my bf won't shut up about him that's why I knew I know the movie TED but I have never seen it, and my bf actually suggested that we could watch it like a month ago.

Burn Teddy, make him disappear etc... Haha thank you I did think about it a lot. I often hide him when he brings him in my flat so I know exactly where he is and so my bf doesn't think about him (he always ends up looking for him though... but still it gives me a break)

What did you do in the end? I was meant to see him today so I picked him up and we drove to my flat. Of course Teddy was there and when he came in the car, my bf had him give me kisses and stuff. I said stop please in a cold way and he stopped. I said we needed to talk and he listened because I started crying. I thought it would be hard for me to start talking but since I was so stressed with all your comments I just broke down and cried. I told him how I needed him to stop with Teddy, that he needed to stop being so close and dependant on him, that Teddy shouldn't come to my flat anymore... At first he was silent but then he said he didn't understand why I was so uncomfortable with it, that he was purely joking, that he knew Teddy wasn't real and that it was hurting him to see that I thought he had a problem. I was extremely disappointed of his reaction and just told him I needed a break. I drove him back to his flat and that's where I am now.

EDIT : Everyone is saying the post is deleted and I have no idea why, it wasn't deleted before. The original post is available in the comments it's quite easy to find. Thank you to you all for your support, I realised there was a confusion :no I'm not in his flat! I'm home and safe, tonight ill sleep at a friend so she and I can talk about it and I'm never going back with him, he sent me terrible messages all night which convinced me to never get back with him. Thank you again for helping me and have a nice day x (I'll send a picture of Teddy for those who want one in a bit but I have to get ready for school first. Don't worry the face of my bf won't be shown. )

TOP COMMENTS

UrsulaVerne

"it was hurting him to see that I thought he had a problem"

Even if he was joking sometimes, he most certainly DOES still have a problem given all the stuff he was doing. He's trying to normalize his behavior. It isn't normal. He needs therapy.

I'm glad to see you're taking a break and that you're alright, OP. Thanks for the update 💜

Pritheeanon

Seriously. This dude:

• >Had an ex-girlfriend who didn’t like teddy and it was implied this was one of the reasons they were no longer together. • >Brought Teddy everywhere. • >Repeatedly forced sexual interactions with Teddy on the OP. • >wouldn’t wash or in anyway maintain Teddy in a sanitary condition. • >When OP vocalized her discomfort, would joke it away and continue the behavior.

... and is so sad that OP thinks he has a problem.

What. The. Fuck.

He clearly has at least one problem. Depending on how much we believe he believes Teddy is real determines what problem that might be. But there’s at least one in every possible interpretation of this scenario. ​ ETA: The more I think about this, the more I think him truly believing Teddy is “real” in some sense is actually the less disturbing problem.

The pics were linked in the comments

Pic 1 - "teddy" next to a cat

Pic 2 - "teddy" solo

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