I am still not the Original Poster. That is u/LadySavings. She posted in r/AITAH

I wrote three previous BORU posts here, here and here. This post was too long to include all of the posts, so I included OOP's tldr's of the first two posts and then the most recent updates, including the newest. I deleted a few comments as well. The newest update is marked with *****

A reminder that the rules of this sub stipulate updates have to be at least 7 days old, so this update is 7 days old. If you have seen this elsewhere, it was not on this sub.

Trigger Warning: infidelity; Andrew Tater Tot idiocy

Mood Spoiler: OOP is good; pour one out for Amy because GIRL

Original Post: July 3, 2023

TL;DR: Husband and I (33M/33F) are fairly high income earners (about 200K/year each), own our home free and clear, no other debts of any kind - we save close to half of our income and most finances are joint but we allocate $1500/month each (plus any extra income such as from bonuses or side hustles) for "fun money" (for hobbies, luxury goods, outings with our own friends that aren't together, etc.). Husband tends to spend his fun money month to month due to his expensive hobbies (primarily golf) while I tend to save the majority of mine because my interests (such as running and baking) are less expensive. I have been getting back into gaming lately, though, and having saved up more than enough of my fun money, I spent $5K on a new gaming rig and really nice desk and chair. Husband blew a gasket and accused me of "financial infidelity" even though I was operating within what I thought were our agreed-upon rules by spending my own allocated fun money on hobby stuff.

Update Post: July 11, 2023 (8 days later)

TLDR: husband told me he was actually upset that he feels I'm not professionally ambitious enough because I'm not on the "executive" track like he is, and that (despite my working full-time) he wanted me to cook fancier meals, set the table in a more elegant way, and dress up more for dinner - yes, like a 1950s housewife

Update Post: July 18, 2023

Hi All...so I have an additional (and probably not very surprising) update to my saga.

So, the more I thought about it, the more his requests - demands, really - were sitting poorly with me. I decided to try a little experiment over the weekend to see what would happen if I tried to meet some of his demands. NOT because I actually thought they were reasonable, but because I increasingly had the sense that the goalposts would just keep moving and that I was playing a losing game. So, Saturday morning, I went to the salon for a glow-up (haircut, fresh highlights, mani/pedi) then went to the farmer's market to pick up fresh flowers for our table and assorted other gourmet ingredients. Saturday is usually our date night out but I suggested we stay in so I could make us a special dinner, steakhouse style (lobster bisque, bread basket with several types of rolls/savory muffins made from scratch, crab-stuffed mushrooms, filet mignon, au gratin potatoes, white chocolate mousse topped with raspberries). I wore a lavender (his favorite color on me) sheath dress and high heels and fully done hair and makeup. For all that I got a lukewarm "thanks, it was tasty" and a kiss on the cheek. Of course I did all the serving and cleanup.

Sunday we usually go out but he suggested I make us brunch at home. So I made French-press coffee, mimosas with fresh-squeezed orange juice, Belgian waffles with a bananas Foster topping, eggs scrambled with parmesan and fresh herbs from our garden, roasted fingerling potatoes, and maple-glazed bacon. I wore a blue sleeveless sundress, wedge sandals, again did my hair and makeup. Again I got a "thanks, it's good" and no help with serving or cleanup.

Afterwards I asked if this is what he had in mind when he critiqued me before. He said that it was a start, but that I was "acting very entitled for wanting credit for basic adulting."

He then dropped a bomb that he was being so hard on me because he had realized lately I had a lot to make up for due to my being a "low-value woman." I asked what on earth he meant by that and he said it was because I wasn't a virgin when we met.

WHAT?!?!

Keep in mind we started dating at 21, neither of us claimed to be virgins or stated that as an expectation. Except for very religious people (neither of us is) I don't think most 21-year-old college students are virgins. I was upfront with him then that I'd had two previous partners, my high school boyfriend (we went our separate ways when we went to different colleges in different parts of the country) and another boyfriend I'd had my first year of college. And that's it, both committed relationships and nothing casual.

He then went on to say that because of my low value, I was going to need to be making it up to him for the rest of my life. That I didn't deserve monogamy or equal treatment and that I was lucky that anyone at all wanted to marry me. And - that he's "connected" with someone from work so if I wanted to keep him I'd better step up.

I told him it didn't sound like there was anything to keep if he no longer loved me (or even liked or respected me). Told him to leave and he said he would gladly go to his girlfriend's place.

I know SO many people here insisted he was having an affair and I just didn't want to see it, that his "complaints" were really all part of a campaign to distance himself from me. I feel SO foolish for just thinking he was going through a stressful time at work or that he genuinely wanted to work on our marriage.

Anyway I have taken the week off from work to get my head together. Have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. Canceled the marriage counseling appointment but got a referral to an individual therapist who can do an intake session with me later in the week. He (and the girlfriend apparently) are coming this evening to get more of his clothes and things so I have to brace myself for that.

Also, please be assured I do NOT think I am low-value in any way. I let my husband make me think less of myself on some levels for a short time but now I truly see it was a "him" problem. Obviously we don't share the same goals and values and he has become someone I don't recognize.

I know the divorce won't be fun or easy, but I will be okay. Thank you all for helping me see that I was being played before I wasted too much more time in a marriage that was already over.

Relevant Comments:

One last gem from the 'husband':

"Yes, it seems like he fell down a toxic masculinity hole at some point fairly recently.

Retroactively punishing me for not being a virgin at the outset, after a 12-year relationship including 10 years of marriage, is just completely over the top.

I even said, "So this person you connected with at work, is actually a virgin?"

"Well, she WAS," he said, with a smirk. (So, virgin or not, someone who would sleep with a married colleague is higher-value than me? Unless he lied about his marital status/situation which I wouldn't put past him.)"

"Yes, he admitted he has been having an affair for several months. He kept trying to say that "it doesn't really count as cheating" because I'm low-value so the standards are different."

Update Post 2: July 20, 2023 (17 days from OG post)

Hi All - I wasn't going to post another update (at least not this soon), but have gotten dozens of DMs/messages asking if I am okay and how things are going - so this is specifically in response to those who were checking in on me.

To recap my story, I first posted a couple weeks ago that my husband accused me of financial infidelity after I spent $5K of my own "fun money" allotment on a gaming computer, desk and chair, even though my spending was within our agreed-upon rules; he subsequently "admitted" that he wasn't really upset about the gaming setup, but about what he perceived as a lack of professional ambition (I'm a senior software dev and we make the same salary at the moment), plus he wanted me to cook more elaborate meals, put more effort into home decor, and dress up more for him. Finally, about a week later he accused me of being "low value" due to not being a virgin when we met (at age 21 - neither was he - and he never once previously criticized that in our 12 years together) and told me he was having an affair with a younger coworker who had been a virgin (gross, I know). Then he moved out (and in with her). Folks have been asking me this week how things went with him picking up his stuff, meeting with my lawyer, etc. so wanted to share those updates for anyone interested.

So, he was supposed to come get his stuff on Tuesday evening, a couple days ago, but told me at the last minute he couldn't because "Amy" (his girlfriend) wasn't feeling well. Some people called in the comments, but yes, she's pregnant apparently. He told me this on text so I have proof of the affair in writing now, it's not just his word against mine.

Anyway I didn't want him to keep jerking me around on the schedule, for whatever reason, so I told him I'd pack his stuff for him and arrange for movers. I think it's better that way, I really didn't want him/them in the house. I already had arranged for a friend to come over on Tuesday when he and Amy were supposed to come by so the two of us spent the evening packing his clothes and other personal effects. The movers came yesterday and got the boxes and the furniture items he wanted. He didn't want much, just the stuff from his home office and his dresser, as apparently Amy's apartment is small. I provided a detailed inventory and photos of everything, which he approved, so he can't say that I broke or otherwise ruined his stuff.

After that yesterday I went to the clinic to get STD tests (won't have the results for a week or so, but thankfully I haven't had any symptoms) and met with my lawyer, who said I had a good case for grounds of adultery and mental cruelty if I want/need to go that route (at a minimum it's leverage to get him to settle quickly and quietly). Also locked down all the finances within the parameters provided by the lawyer so that he can't empty our joint funds or take anything that belongs to me, changed account beneficiaries and all that fun stuff. Changed the locks to the house too.

I decided to take the advice of some of the commenters and am getting rid of the bed and other bedroom furniture I shared with him (I'm donating it, someone is coming this afternoon to haul it all off) and am going to completely redecorate the bedroom to my own taste (that will take a bit, staying in one of the guest rooms in the meantime). I'm also taking a spa weekend away, leaving tomorrow morning and back Sunday night, just to get a change of scenery before I have to go back to work next week. And yes, even after buying the gaming setup, I have plenty of "fun money" left in my account to afford my lawyer's retainer and redoing the bedroom as well as my getaway, with plenty left over - here's to frugality when it counts!

Those are the main updates for the moment. I'm doing better than expected, I think, and realizing more day by day that it really wasn't a good marriage, at least not for the last couple years when he started expecting me to do everything around the house, and all the other emotional labor of running our lives outside of work, with no help and little to no gratitude. Amy sure is going to have her hands full.

EDIT: Once again, I cannot thank everyone here enough! I need to get ready for my spa weekend away :) so apologies if advance if I have not responded to your comment or DM, but I am really grateful for all the support and encouragement. Hopefully there won't be any more notable updates for a while - I really just want a smooth and easy divorce and to get on with my life - so please keep your fingers crossed for me!

Relevant Comments:

The incoming child:

"Also, he was hard-core childfree before (I didn't want kids either, but he was especially militant about it). I mean, maybe he changed his mind, but it doesn't seem like this was exactly a planned pregnancy. Plus, he can't even be bothered to put his own laundry in the hamper or put a dish in the dishwasher - how is he going to deal with an infant?

Anyway, not really my problem and I guess he'll figure it out (or not)."

Is he her superior at work?

"My understanding is that that they are peers (he isn't her boss) - I don't think it is against the rules for coworkers of the same level to date. At least not as some of our (well, his, really) friends met at work there and it wasn't an issue. So for that reason I think I'll stay out of it, especially as I do want him to stay gainfully employed until the divorce is completely final.

Still, I agree it's awfully foolish to have an affair at work that results in a pregnancy while one of the people is still married. I mean, you can't hide that messiness, it's going to be physically obvious."

How is a 24 year old making the same amount of money as your ex?

"They are both in an executive training program for fairly recent MBA graduates. Amy is apparently some sort of prodigy who got hers at 21. My STBX started out in supply chain management, then the company paid for his MBA which he finished a couple years ago, and after that he moved to the finance side and was accepted into the training program earlier this year."

"She's 24, apparently graduated from college at 18 and got her MBA at 21. And he just got his MBA a couple years ago, was on a different business operations track before switching to finance."

Update Post 3: August 17, 2023 (About 1 month from last post)

Not sure if folks remember, but I had a series of posts earlier in the summer (actual links in my profile) - first, about whether I was the AH for buying an expensive gaming PC, desk and chair with my own allocation of "fun money," leading to an accusation of "financial infidelity" from my husband. Later he told me the actual issue was that he was disappointed by my job (senior software dev, but not on the executive management track), relatively casual appearance (not dressing up in dresses, makeup and heels for dinners at home) and my failure to cook extremely elaborate multi-course meals on a nightly basis. After a simple experiment showed that changing these things (the cooking and appearance, anyway) would not actually make him happy, he accused me of being "low value" because I wasn't a virgin when we met (in college, 12 years go, something he had never stated was an issue before) and then admitted he was cheating with a coworker. Who is now pregnant. Last I updated, he had moved in with Amy (his coworker) and we were starting the divorce process.

I'm updating again here because a lot of kind people have been checking in with well-wishes and to see how I'm holding up. Sorry for not updating sooner, but as soon as I got back from the spa weekend I mentioned in my last update, I dove into working with my attorney on the divorce settlement, and didn't think it wise to put my business on the Internet, however anonymously, with the legal issues up in the air.

The good news is that we were able to come to an agreement pretty quickly and everything is now executed (just waiting for the court date which could take another couple months, but my lawyer says the agreement is airtight). It wasn't quite as favorable as most of you all lovely folks probably would have wanted for me, but I was highly motivated to get it done fast. I did get everything that really mattered to me: first, the house I inherited from my grandmother is 100% mine, along with all the furnishings and other effects in the house. My own retirement accounts and my "fun money" account are all mine as well. Otherwise, I did have to give him 75% of the other cash assets. Although he wasn't on the title for the house, he did contribute substantially to the large renovation we did, as well as to upkeep since then, and the house appreciated very substantially in the years since we moved in. It's fine as I still have plenty of money, especially as I'm quite frugal most of the time and can rebuild cash savings quickly. Our agreement also states that neither of us has a claim on each other's past, present or future earnings. So in case something happens and he loses his job before the court date, I won't be liable for any alimony. This is actually overall a very good deal for me and gives me a lot of security.

(In case anyone is wondering how we got this done so quickly: our state allows divorce on "mutual consent" grounds, which basically allows for a quick divorce without a legal separation period if the parties come to an agreement about all the finances/assets. Given that Amy is pregnant, my soon-to-be-ex (let's call him "Joe" - yes, like the psychopath in the show You) was also very motivated to not drag this out.)

Now for the real dirt of this update: last weekend, shortly after all our papers were signed, Amy reached out to me. She asked if we could meet and talk. Perhaps I should have declined, but I will admit I was curious about the "24-year-old prodigy and until recently a virgin" person who was Joe's affair partner, so I agreed to meet her for lunch.

So, the first thing is, Amy is *very* pregnant, like third trimester. She confirmed she is due in mid-October, which means the affair has been going on a whole lot longer than Joe let on. Whatever, it's water under the bridge as the divorce is almost final. However, after some polite but chilly pleasantries, she asked me, when am I going to be moving out of the house? Because surely Joe has been patient enough with giving me time to get my life together? And her apartment is small and they are needing space for the baby.

Uhhhh...what? I told her she must be mistaken as the house is mine, inherited from my grandmother, but asked her...what else has Joe told her about me, and our marriage? And...lie after lie (Joe's lies, that is) tumbled out of her mouth, along with crumbs of the real story. These gems include:

• Well, it was true that she and Joe met at work. But it was about a year ago, when they were both interviewing for the executive training program they are now in. Amy said, though, that they first became friends before getting together romantically. Apparently, Joe told her that he was legally married but that we had been "separated in spirit and living separate lives" since 2020. But that he didn't want to kick me out and make me homeless during the pandemic because I didn't make much money and we live in a HCOL.
• Joe told Amy that we met in our early 20s when he was mentoring me in a GED prep program - that I was a high school dropout who was struggling with addiction, and essentially, that he "rescued" me. Helped me get clean, tutored me for my GED, and had been supporting me since through gradually working on college classes. He told Amy I was working on prepping for an IT career and was currently making $45K as a help desk technician and that he wanted to make sure I could at least afford a studio apartment. He also told Amy that we had "separated" because I had relapsed and he couldn't have a meaningful relationship with a drug addict. (Uhhh...all this is lies. My entire history of drug use is occasionally sharing a joint in college, maybe 4-5 times total, never anything harder.)
• It is true that Amy was a 24-year-old virgin prodigy. She seemed dismayed that Joe had told me that, though (at least the virgin part). Said it wasn't a moral issue, she really was just focused on school and work and didn't make time to date. And that generally guys her age seemed mostly interested in casual hookups, especially the younger finance bro types, and she wasn't interested in that, but that Joe took the time to get to know her and was actually interested in a meaningful relationship.
• I asked her if the pregnancy was...planned? She said no, of course not, but it was a miracle because Joe had a vasectomy, so they took that as a sign that they should keep the baby. (Uhhh...no, Joe did NOT have a vasectomy. As we were planning to be a child-free couple I suggested it a couple times over the years, he firmly stated he didn't want to alter his body like that, so he left birth control as my responsibility.)

So...it really does seem that Amy is pretty blameless here. I mean, those of us who have been around the block would likely know not to believe a guy who claims to be "separated" but is still legally married and living with his wife, but...without her having any dating/relationship experience I can see where she would have taken him at his word, about everything. After all, I didn't know anything was amiss with Joe until a couple months ago - and I was married to him.

Of course Amy didn't want to believe me, and I don't blame her for that either...after all, she's been in a relationship with Joe for close to a year and is 7 months pregnant with his baby, who is coming soon, ready or not. I couldn't immediately refute everything she said, but showed her a couple things - first, a picture of me in my late teens with my grandmother in front of my house, and also, my Linkedin profile which shows my current job and education. Told her to do what she wanted with the info and to please stay safe and take care of herself, and then said my goodbyes. Yes, it was all very odd and unexpected and surreal.

Sorry this is so long but figured those following my tale would be interested in this turn. I am not sure if I will update again...maybe in a year or so when I have truly processed everything with lots of therapy and am hopefully on to living my best life. As for Joe and Amy, it's up to them to find whatever their path is. I do hope she wises up and leaves him but am sadly not confident about that. I'm sure he will be able to spin all this in his favor because that's what he does. But I also can't make it my problem anymore.

Relevant Comments:

"I think I've determined that because Amy's pregnancy was progressing he was starting to get nervous about how he would juggle everything and decided to preemptively blow up the marriage in order to get the upper hand. So none of those things were genuine critiques, they were just designed to throw me off-balance."

How did she take it when you said you owned the house?

"She didn't really believe me about the house and said she was going to have to talk to Joe about it. She said she hoped I would think about it and not be so stubborn and that the offer remained open to take the money she offered to move out by the end of September."

Maybe the reason he didn't have more fun money was that he was spending it on her:

"Oh yes, definitely! A lot of the "golf days" were actually spent with her (not golfing) and he only played golf once or twice a month, not weekly as he represented to me."

"Apparently he convinced her that the reason he could never spend the night with her (during most of the past year, before he moved in with her) was that I tended to get high in the evenings and he was always worried I would OD if he wasn't there to keep an eye on me."

Did you tell her he didn't really have a vasectomy?

"I did tell her, but her answer to that was to insist that he did have one, he just didn't want to tell me. Because he had only gotten one because although he did want kids, he didn't want to bring them into the world with a drug addict spouse."

*****Newest Update Post: November 25, 2023 (3 months later)****\*

Hi everyone! Not sure if anyone remembers as it's been a few months since my last update, but I originally posted earlier this year about my husband "Joe" accusing me of "financial infidelity" because I had spent some of my own fun money/savings (within our agreed-upon personal spending limits) on a gaming PC and home office setup. Which then devolved into him (unfairly) accusing me of slacking on my personal appearance, career, and housework, and soon it came it out that he'd been having an affair with a coworker ("Amy") who had become pregnant. We separated right after that (he moved out and in with her).

(And, apologies in advance, the next update (below) is quite long!)

Last time I updated, we had thankfully quickly agreed on a divorce settlement that allowed me to protect my most important assets, and I had just met with his mistress Amy at her request. At which time it was made clear that he had lied to her about numerous circumstances, such as that our home belonged to him (it did not, I inherited it from my grandmother), that I was an underemployed high school dropout drug addict (I'm not, I have a master's degree and a high-paying tech job), that we'd been "separated in spirit" for years (also not true, I didn't know anything until he blurted out the news about his affair over the summer), and that he had a vasectomy (he did not, we talked about it but he decided not to despite us - him in particular - not wanting kids). I told her the truth and even provided as much evidence as I had on me, but she didn't seem believe me and went on home to Joe.

I know quite a few people have been reaching out for more news, but I wanted to wait until my divorce was finalized to avoid risking any complications, and also just thought it best to let things settle for a bit. The good news is - I'm now divorced! The final decree came through a few weeks ago. It actually all went very smoothly (I'm eternally grateful to live in a "mutual consent" divorce state that allows divorcing couples to proceed quickly if they can come to an agreement on finances and property).

On the Joe/Amy front, after my last post, all was quiet for a couple weeks, until Amy, her due date quickly approaching, reached out *again* to ask if I'd given any more thought to her offer to pay me $17K to vacate the house quickly so that she and Joe could move in. (Again this is the house I inherited that I own free and clear, but Joe told her he owns it and that he was just giving me time to get my finances together before evicting me.) At this point I decided to package up a lot more evidence of Joe's lies to send on to Amy. I sent her a copy of the deed and property tax records showing the house is in my name only. I sent her copies of my diplomas to prove I am not a high school dropout. I sent her some info on various professional associations I am involved in and awards I have won to show I actually do have a senior-level job and am not underemployed, as well as proof of my income. I sent her copies of all my drug test results for the past 5 years (I have a drug-free workplace and have to test 2-3 times a year) to show I am not an addict. I sent her time-stamped photos and text exchanges to show that Joe was still having a romantic relationship with me until July this year (nothing salacious, just photos of us showing G-rated affection, exchanging loving words over text, etc.). I even found a text exchange from a couple years ago when we last discussed him potentially getting a vasectomy, with his final decision not to proceed with one.

A couple days later she responded - she believed me! However, in the end it didn't matter as Joe convinced her he had lied for Very Good Reasons. The way they both tell the story, they met at work and were incredibly drawn to each other, in a way that felt "inevitable." However, due to Joe being married, he felt that if Amy knew he was (to that point) happily married she would either turn away from him and miss out on the "love of a lifetime," or she would go ahead with an affair but be consumed with guilt. So, to avoid either of these outcomes, and especially to save Amy from guilt, Joe decided to create an alternative narrative in which he was in a marriage that had ended for all intents and purposes years ago, in all ways but legally, because I was an uneducated addict who kept relapsing and couldn't get my life together. That was she could essentially believe he was single. (How noble of Joe, to bear all the guilt alone! /s)

Unfortunately, Amy said she understood and forgave him immediately. With a baby due any day, I suppose I can sort of understand the desire to justify the lies, even thought the reality is horrifying. I suppose it's also not my problem anymore. Amy did have her baby over a month ago and I guess she and Joe will...make whatever life together (or not) is meant to be.

As for me, I'm doing very well! Actually got a big promotion at work (not managing people which I don't want to do, but will be working on higher-profile projects - with a 40% raise!) which starts after the new year. The house is really big for just me, so I have a couple roommates now - a friend who is also going through a divorce moved in, as well as a younger (mid-20s) cousin who moved to the city for work. We're all having a lot of fun together. I'm not really ready to date yet (still in therapy processing all the marital fallout) but getting there and looking forward to whatever new adventures life has to offer.

This will probably be my last post (in this series anyway) as the saga of Joe and Amy, or at least my role in it, is finished; with us legally divorced and having no ongoing financial or other ties, the best thing I can do is leave them to their own story and get on with my Joe-free next phase.

Thank you all for listening to my story for much of 2023, I do truly appreciate the support and helpful advice I received along the way.