I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/discostaurus. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.

Mood Spoiler: communication sort of prevails? OOP at least thinks so

Original Post: November 3, 2023 (Preserved with rareddit)

I (20sF) and my fiancé (30sM) were enjoying a Friday night wind down. Had dinner, yoghurt and were sitting down for TV (we're on season 7 of 24, my first time watching).

I decide to paint my nails pink as we're going out tomorrow and seeing my family. They haven't seen us since we got engaged last month. I'm in a good mood and feeling happy.

After painting one hand, I ask him if he fancies opening a bottle of prosecco tonight (well stocked post-engagement). He says yes. I ask him if he could bring me a glass too please.

That's where the argument began. No shouting, stomping, etc. Just speaking our minds and then silence before resuming. Generally, we get along great and have very healthy communication.

Hell, we managed to compromise on a child-free wedding easier than this (he wanted children there, I didn't, we've settled on child-free ceremony and kids for the dinner and reception).

Back to the argument.

His perspective: it's weird of me to ask him to bring me things, be it a a beverage or a blanket. That I'm a grown woman and should do these sorts of things for myself. Doing it for me would be "simping" and asking him to is "toxic".

My perspective: it's a glass of prosecco and my nails were drying. My love language is acts of service and I make him at least 3 cups of tea a week. A simple refusal is fine. His attitude about me asking was, in my opinion, "toxic".

Earlier on in our relationship I did ask him to get me glasses of water semi-regularly. We had a discussion and he expressed his frustration. I now don't really ask, maybe once a week at most. The last time was in a cafe.

For unnecessary context, if you're interested: I wonder if it's how we grew up. He's an only child and claims his Mum never asked him to do anything like this for her. He's fiercely independent and can sometimes exist in his own little world.

Whereas, I have an older sister and we just did as we were told really. Definitely learnt to play host at family gatherings, offering food and drink and just being pleasant. If someone asked for something (like a drink) and you said no, that'd be considered rude.

But I digress. I asked for prosecco, even though my 5'0 legs do in fact work. AITA?

Relevant Comments:

It could mean 'acts of service' mean nothing to him. Did his mom ever do things for him?

"His Mum did a lot for him growing up, as a single-parent single-child household. That's one of the reasons he's so insistent on feeling independent and not relying on people.

You've hit the nail on the head, I don't think he sees the value in these sorts of gestures. Also, the "Acts of Service" is part of the five love languages, not my creation there haha"

Does he ever ask YOU for things?

"Honestly, he rarely asks for these gestures. I always offer to help or grab things, and he occasionally says yes. But for me it has felt like a one-way system."

So he doesn't mind if you get things for him?

"Never complains. Always says thanks."

OOP is voted NTA

Update: November 4, 2023 (Next Day) (Same Post but OOP deleted her OG post and wrote the update over it)

Hello reddit! Thank you for all for taking the time to comment and engage. While the consensus was that I was NTA, I did enjoy hearing all the perspectives on this situation.

Here's some common misconceptions or curiosities to clear up:

1. "I bet he listens to Andrew Tate." This was clearly interpreted from his vocabulary. It's shocking language and has a lot of misogyny attached. When he said "simping," my mouth opened like a fish impression. However, he doesn't listen to Tate and only knows the term from reddit context. And no, he's not a 4chan veteran or similar.
2. "Trying to hide a big age difference" - I was purposefully vague, I'm 26 and fiancé's 35. We met in person through a shared hobby and began dating two years ago, at 24 and 33. We've lived together over a year. After our first date, we had a discussion about power imbalances, equitable split proportionate to income, and consent. I'm gonna shock a few people, but he's genuinely a feminist.
3. "What happens if you got sick!" - We joke that I've been ill most of our relationship, thanks to my poor immune system to colds. Also, my wisdom teeth only started emerging at 25. When they began coming through it was excruciating (10/10 do not recommend) and he ran out to the shops before work to get me numbing liquid and has been an ongoing support when I've had flare-ups. I also took care of him post-wisdom teeth removal so it flows both ways.
4. "Don't make him a tea and how he'd react" - I know how he'd react. He wouldn't notice or care. In fact, I've recently discovered that he enjoys making himself teas, as a break from his activity to stand up and move around. So maybe I'll stop, not to teach him a lesson, but to give him gestures that he'll value instead.

So, flashback to last night. Some wanted more detail on the actual exchange. I did ask him in a very "round the houses" way. I guess because after our Water-gate, he's been very reluctant to say yes to any requests I make, no matter how infrequent or simple.

During our argument, I asked if how I asked would've changed his response, to which he said no. When I realised we were getting nowhere, I went to the bathroom and removed my nail vanish. When I said, "Your view on fetching things for your partner is abnormal," he said, "Ask reddit."

So that's what I did. I sat down on the sofa and typed out my response. At first, I was relieved to know my opinion was validated. When I saw the first "dump him" message, I suddenly lost all my anger and felt very amused by the caricatures we'd clearly become.

I called out to him and said, "If I open the prosecco, will you pour the glasses?" and he agreed. We drank the whole bottle together, reading all the comments. He apologised for his language and I apologised for mine. It was a very eye-opening exercise.

I had overused whatever partner privilege involved fetching things last year. But after our discussion, I had actually actioned his feedback completely. He, however, hasn't appreciated that I'd changed and remained on high alert for any princess behaviour. Resulting in being a meanie.

Where are we now? Well, to the disappointment of many, we're still in love and planning to get married. We've enjoyed a lovely time with my family today. I think this highlighted the need for a happy medium, and that's what he'll be showing me. Communication wins!