I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/ThrowawayRunawayToot. She posted in r/TrueOffMyChest

Thank you to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 and u/Bluephoenix2121 for the recommendation.

Trigger Warning: infidelity; spousal abuse; death in childbirth; religious abuse

Mood Spoiler: happy ending

Original Post: February 21, 2023

I (29F) and my husband (44M) have been together for five years and married for two. I met him at the church I started going to when I moved cities to start my career. I work for an insurance company and he’s a pastor. I know that we have a notable age gap, but he was always kind to me and made me feel special.

Anyhow- a week ago he came home and told me we needed to talk. He told me through tears that he had been having an affair with one of our community members (34F) and that she had been pregnant with twins. She had gone into labor; she and one of the twins died and the other is in the NICU. He said we need to step up and that he wants me to turn my office into a nursery and set up a cot in the room so we can take turns.

I became distressed and told him I wanted some time to think. That I was not sure I wanted to do this. He told me that I had made a vow to him in marriage and that God had blessed us with a child. That this is our cross to bear and that God will never give us something we cannot handle. I told him that it seemed God had given her more than she could handle because she had died (I know I should not have but I was not thinking correctly). He slapped me and told me that I needed to serve my husband. That God had chosen me as this child’s mother and I needed to be his humble servant.

I just feel so strange. Yesterday I cried so hard I threw up. This woman died, yet I feel bad for myself. I feel so ugly. I wanted children and was saving for IVF because I am infertile, but now that I have a chance to have a child and I do not want it. I feel like I’d be robbing its mothers grave. I pray to God but if I’m being honest it’s never felt like anyone was ever listening. I feel like I have truly seen my husband and he no longer looks kind- he looks his age and very tired. I want to abandon him and the child. I’m only 29- I can start over. I have a remote job, I can take a day off when he goes to the NICU- pack my essentials and leave. Neither him nor the child deserve this, and although this is my circus- that is not my monkey.

Relevant Comments:

Love yourself and leave:

"That's the hard part. I always have felt like I was never on anyone's radar and just their back burner. He made me feel special and loved, but this last week I feel like I've seen past that. Although I was old enough to decide to be in an age gap relationship, I feel like he had no business with being someone my age. I'm 29 now and I would feel wrong being with someone 24. I spent my whole life accepting second best and now that the one person who put me first has now put me last- I feel like I just see it all now. I feel used."

I'm a Christian and preacher's kid- he's full of shit. He made vows too. This is NOT your cross to bear.

"I've kind of been thinking about that recently. I still love him because that doesn't leave overnight, as much as I want it to. This last week I've just been thinking about what it would look like when the baby comes home. The arguments we'd inevitably have in front of the child. The way he'll use the fear of God to make them behave- and I can't accept that. I was willing to accept that when it was just me, and I'm not sure why, but I just can no longer accept this behavior."

More info on the affair:

"He said that she had come to his office several times to seek spiritual counseling and the affair "just happened" after many emotional sessions. The assistant pastor is aware of things according to my husband's version of events and has called me twice this week to offer help converting my office into a nursery. He said that forgiveness is a virtue and this is part of God's plan."

Don't let him use God to manipulate you. He doesn't care about you:

"That's just it though- looking past the situation itself- he doesn't care about *me* and only pretended to. I finally found someone who put me first and it was a lie. I feel like such a gullible idiot. A 39-year-old man was interested in a 24-year-old woman because they had the same interests? Really? I feel so stupid for not seeing it when I can so clearly see it now."

Small Update in Comments: February 23, 2023 (2 days later)

I just wanna thank y'all for the support. I'm still processing this all, and I just need a little time. I don't feel unsafe, just unloved- just not enough. My husband did apologize for slapping me and continues to express regret, but he can't take it back. Just as he cannot take back impregnating another woman which ultimately killed her. I'm just feeling so disillusioned with my whole life right now, I know I should leave. I know that there is a world out there that will not treat me like this, but I am scared of change. I am working on a plan to leave and getting my ducks in a row for when I am ready to go, but I am not sure when I would leave if I choose to.

Many expressed that I should make a report to the police about him slapping me, and they're probably right, but that would likely cause me more problems than it would be worth. If I leave it might make him want to contest the divorce more, and if I stay it would cause more tension. I've been working on my left hook though because I won't let him get away with it again. I'm not violent myself but I'm down for a tussle, because although I'm hurt; I am angry. I'm not sure if there will be an update- because I'm still unsure. I can make all the plans in the world but the change scares me almost as much as bending to his will. I've been praying about it but I see no clear answers or guidance. I don't know.

Funny thing- I'm jealous of the people saying that this is fake. It's like I want my life to be like it was two weeks ago. I could read a crazy story on the internet and think "wow, that's crazy, seems kinda fake," and keep scrolling and go about my life. Only I can't scroll away in real life because that's just not how life works. I don't owe anyone proof of my life tragedies, least of all strangers on the internet whom I will never meet. I do thank all who have given support. I wish I could tell you I packed my bags and left his sorry ass, but I'm not strong enough to yet. It's not that easy to do in real life as it turns out. Odd.

Update Post: October 17, 2023 (8 months later)

I left. If that’s all you wanted to know, there it is.

For those of you who asking how the other woman died, (I get it, I invited you into my business), it was an amniotic fluid embolism. I don’t know much about those, but I guess when they happen things go wrong really, really fast. We lived in a more rural area, so they just weren’t ready for something like that to happen.

I didn’t leave right away, as I know now that I should have. It just wasn’t that easy. I stayed for two months. I knew if I did not at least try to make it work I would not be able to live with it. Not because I wanted to save my marriage, but because “what ifs” keep me up at night enough as is. I went to marriage counseling with my husband, but it was ultimately fruitless. Of course it was Christian counseling, I felt like their goal was for me to forgive him rather than actually trying to help me. I was so utterly alone during that time. My parents and brother are also very religious so even though they weren’t happy with my husband, they kept urging me to do what a good Christian wife would do.

I spent so much time suffering in my own head that I began to realize that I was just going through the motions, doing what I thought people expected of me. I entered a state of derealization for a time, and that was an absolute mind-f*ck. The feeling of nothing being real, not even myself, was horrible. During this period my husband brought his baby home and while he tried to split the cares 50/50 at first, he ultimately didn’t trust me to look after the baby because I was “lost in space.” So he ended up being the primary provider. When I was with the baby, all I could think about was how its existence ruined my life, it’d look at me with big blue eyes and I would just wish it would disappear. I would actively spend time resenting a baby, there was a time when I was thinking to myself and I wished it would stop breathing. That was when I knew that I needed to leave. I was blaming a baby and wishing ill upon it, and that was not okay to do.

I don’t remember much about this time besides that, it’s mostly a blur otherwise. I sought services through my work to talk to a therapist, and I eventually came back to earth, she helped me make a plan. At no point did I fear my husband, I truly believe the slap was a one-off event. However, screw him, he doesn’t deserve closure. On a night he had a long bible study (he always took his baby with him because he didn’t trust me) I packed my essentials and dipped. I met him pretty quickly after college so I did not have much to take as far as furnishings. I fit everything I wanted in three suitcases, and four moving boxes. It all fit into my SUV after some mediocre Tetris skills. I was able to change my phone number online before I left, but I did leave the divorce papers under his pillow with my lawyer’s contact info. Kind of like the tooth fairy but for adults assholes.

I was the breadwinner, in my state we were not married long enough for me to pay spousal maintenance, at least that is what my lawyer said. I own my vehicle outright, we had our own bank accounts and a shared expenses account, we filed taxes separately, and the church owns the house. He’s being an ass about it all, but I’m hoping it should be done soon. I got a decent apartment in a city a few hundred miles away. I’ve never lived in a city this big before, everything is so expensive, but besides that I like it. I found a new therapist, met some new friends, and found a new church with loving people. I still have my days but for the most part I’m content. I think it will always hurt on some level, but I’m working on taking my power back. I turn 30 next month, and I am hopeful it will be the start of my best decade yet.

Comment:

This exchange:

Commenter: I have waited so long hoping to see this update.

Good for you!!! Have a wonderful, fulfilled, happy, and safe new life!!!!

OOP: Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts, I truly believe I could feel the support from wherever you are in the world. May you have a wonderful life.