I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA7313purple

Girlfriend of five years is spending all her time with new partner

Originally posted to r/nonmonogamy

TRIGGER WARNING: physical violence, emotional abuse, manipulation and stalking

MOOD SPOILER: frustrating but vindicating

Original Post July 23, 2023

TL:DR Needing to vent and get advise on how to handle my GF of five years downgrading me to roommate status

So I(28M) met my girlfriend(Clara)(29F) about five years ago and we moved in almost four years ago. Our relationship has always been open and we were free to date whoever and after we moved in we set a few rules, mainly a weekly check-in and dedicated private time for the two of us. The first three years were great and last year we started going to sex clubs together and Clara got to finally experience her first MMMF(gangbang) and that is how she met Gary(30 M). They started seeing each other and it quickly became 4-5 nights a week, several being sleepovers. When Clara cancelled one of our nights together I protested and she said she would make it up but never did. On one of our check-ins I said I was feeling my needs were being neglected and she was spending too much time with Gary, it turned into an argument but she finally promised to be more mindful of our relationship. That lasted about two weeks.

A few weeks ago I had a company social function we were invited to, I had RSVP and sent Clara a text reminding her, The day before the event she said couldn’t make it due to a band Gary wanted to go see was in town. When she came home the day after, I blew up and said I was tired of taking care of her share of the chores around the house and being treated like a roommate. It got ugly and she ended up leaving and going to Gary’s apartment. She came home early Monday morning before I left for work and said how she was sorry and we needed to work things out. I told her we needed set some new boundaries and schedules she could abide by and we could talk about it tonight. I left and got half way to work when I got a text asking where all her work clothes were at, I replied in the dirty clothes hamper. I told her I washed all my clothes but I wasn’t going to be her efing maid any longer especially if I had been demoted to roommate.

When I got home Clara was fixing dinner, I asked her if she wanted to break up and go live with Gary, that I would understand but I needed to know where we stood. She said she wanted us to stay together and not fight anymore. So I said we needed a schedule and at the very least I wanted two nights in a row with her and a Friday date night every week. She agreed that was fair and we made up and had a good couple of days together until she spent the night at Gary’s house and the next day told me that our agreement wasn’t fair because Gary didn’t have a say in it. I told her if we were going to live together then we needed to have an agreement between us, that I wasn’t interested in having an agreement or dating Gary. If she didn’t want to keep the agreement we made then she needed to find a new roommate and she needed to take care of her cat because I was done taking care of her.

Clara wants to talk but I feel Gary is calling all the shots and I just need to know where she stands. Is this even salvageable or is it time to just move on?

So I know this is going to come up, but I am seeing other people so it’s not like I’m just sitting home feeling sorry for myself when she is gone. But I need to know if I need to look for someone that can fulfill my needs and I can make life plans with.

~OOP UPDATED A FEW TIMES IN THE COMMENTS~

COMMENT 1 July 24

Well that was good advice but Clara came home from Gary’s and wanted to talk. She gave me a counter proposal that I won’t even waste time typing out. I asked again if we were through and all the plans we had made were just pipe dreams? She still says she loves me and wants to be with me but she has feelings for Gary as well and I should respect that. I said I think she loves having a roommate and that my needs and feelings don’t matter. So I gave her another deal, if we are going to stay together then we have to fix us without Gary’s influence. I told her she had to cut contact with Gary for a week, no calls, no texts, no nothing and then if we get back to where we were she can start to see Gary again, but only twice during the week and no sleepovers. She said there was no way that would work and it was just me being cruel.

I reminded her in a few weeks we were supposed to be in a wedding in North Carolina, our friends want both of us in the wedding party as bridesmaid and groomsman. I told her if we didn’t work things out I wasn’t going which meant that she wasn’t going to be able to go either and she could explain to our friends why we were backing out of the wedding, after already being fitted for tux and gowns. She cried foul and said I was just being mean but I didn’t budge and said the choice was hers but it was final. She wanted to go talk to Gary about it and I said you can call him one more time and talk about it but if she went over there it was to stay and when she came back it would be to get all her stuff because I was tired of trying and getting stepped on. She finally agreed and called Gary to tell him, I didn’t listen but I heard her raise her voice a few times. After, I asked her to block him on her phone and all her social media and told her if I found out they had any contact the deal was off and we were done.

I know this sounds controlling and vindictive but it’s the only way I know to get back to where we were and if it doesn’t work we both move on.

COMMENT 2 July 25, 2023

Clara and I had a productive discussion this morning and we have agreed to couple’s counseling this week. She deleted her Snap and What’s app and showed me her phone and said she had nothing to hide and wanted to be transparent.

Gary tried to call me several times this morning and finally sent a text wanting to talk with me. I answered his next call and we argued a little, I told him I thought mu first proposal was more than fair and when he shot that down I felt it was time for a different course of action and told him what Clara and I had talked about. I said Clara is free to walk away from the agreement we made at any time and that it was totally up to her. i told him I thought he was out to break us up and if it was up to me I would veto their relationship right now. He made a bunch of stupid remarks to piss me off so I hung up and blocked him.

COMMENT 3 July 26, 2023

Clara called me today around lunch time, Gary couldn’t stand being cut off and came to her work to ask her to go to lunch and talk. She refused and he got loud and made a scene, she ended up getting security to remove him from the building. He embarrassed her at work and she is livid, she then had to answer a lot of personal questions to her boss about who he was and more questions about us.

When she got home she wanted to call and talk to him, I said that was a bad idea and she said there were things she needed to tell him and said she would do it on speaker so I could hear. So I listened as she called him, she told him coming to her work and embarrassing her was unacceptable. That she needed space to work on our relationship that she had neglected and that now she needed at least two weeks with no contact before they could see each other. He kept trying to talk over her but she shut him down told him if he couldn’t respect her wishes then maybe I was right and she would cut him off permanently, then she hung up the phone. She got off and broke down telling me about the fallout from work, Her boss is making her pay for a window Gary broke as Security was escorting him out and gave her a verbal warning and said if it happened again she would get a letter in her file.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DaDodsworth

Honestly hope this is the end of Gary for the both of you. Massive red flags to show up at Clara's work like this. Also wtf is with Clara's boss giving her a verbal warning over a potential abuser coming to her workplace unannounced.

OOP replied

Clara is still extremely agitated about the incident but I don’t know that he is completely done just yet. Let’s just say that That Clara may have taken off her rose colored glasses. It’s been really hard not to pile on and say I told you so or make other disparaging comments about him.

Her co-worker said her boss felt like her co-workers and the potential clients that were in the lobby were put at risk and the whole thing was grossly unprofessional. They went from arguing to yelling and when Gary got physical Clara had to get the security guard to escort him off the premises. The subject matter and details that Gary was yelling at the top of his lungs was evidently a bit too scandalous seeing as I had attended many company functions as her plus one and was considered her other half.

Update July 29, 2023

So a quick recap, Clara, my girlfriend, started dating Gary and was spending almost all her time with him until I threaten to leave and made her block him for a week so we could work on our relationship. He couldn't stand it and showed up at Clara's work and caused a scene because she would go talk with him at lunch and had to be forcibly removed from her workplace.

Friday night we had a double date with another couple, dinner followed by one of our favorite bands at a club downtown. Dinner was great and we had a good table reserved at the club, as I'm coming back from the men's room I see Gary who has spotted Clara and making a beeline for her. I got to the table first and told Clara we needed to leave, Gary told Clara he needed to talk to her and I said something like in a week maybe and then he sucker punched me. I got up off the floor and just looked at him and he hit me again, by that time the bouncers had him and were walking him to the door. By the time I got to the door, the cops had him and asked if I wanted to press charges and I said absolutely. I took a selfie to preserve the moment, he bloodied me up pretty good.

Needless to say, we didn't stay for the show, Clara drove us home and on the way asked if I was really going the press charges and if maybe it would be better if we just let it go. I said no I was assaulted and he wasn't going to get away with that, by the time we got home my face was swollen and changing colors and when Clara saw my face she just cried. She cleaned me up and got a couple of ice packs for the swelling. She called Gary, which went to voicemail obviously, but she told him off and said he had gone too far and she never wanted to hear from him again, then added we were filling a VPO asap.

This morning we talked, mainly about ways to keep this from getting out of hand again. She set some new boundaries for herself and a limit on how long she could spend with a new partner. She set some pretty tight parameters that I won't hold her to because they're not realistic. We have both said some hurtful things in the last few weeks that left some deep wounds but I think we can get past it. If we get back to where we were I'm thinking about asking her to marry me, I know she wants it and thinks it will bind us closer together. But there is some trust that needs to be rebuilt first.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

throwaway2255001

Honestly I said it in another post. Clara asking you to not press charges would be the final nail in the coffin. If ever a partner said that to me, especially after what specifically had happened to you.. that would be it.

Honestly you ok man? Maybe you should reevaluate your relationship. Really is not cool and I get the sense you are trying to rug sweep the severity of her actions.

OOP replied

"Clara asking you to not press charges would be the final nail in the coffin. If ever a partner said that to me, especially after what specifically had happened to you.. that would be it."

The bar was dark and she never got a good look at my face until we got home, by then it had started to swell and turn colors. I don't think she thought I got hurt that bad and when she realized it she did a 180 and unloaded on him, even if it was a voicemail. At first, she said she thought filing charges would make things worse and later she was all for it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP