I am not the Original Poster. Originally posted in - r/AmItheAsshole by u/External_Ad_7876.

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AITA For Wanting More Help With My Child After My Surgery (21 June 2023)

I (24F) had a baby about 8 weeks ago. It was a difficult pregnancy and I had to be induced at 37 weeks due to medical complications. I had to get stitches and the recovery was really rough. 4 days ago I was feeling really awful so I asked my husband (26M) to take me to the hospital. Turns out I had gallstones and needed to get my gallbladder removed, which happened 2 days ago.

Yesterday I was discharged from the hospital, and while the doctor did say I should walk around I don't think I should be 100% back to doing everything I was before the surgery. I asked my husband for just a little extra help with our child. I said I don't mind holding her in my lap for feedings, but diaper changes and anything involving carrying the baby from room to room I'm uncomfortable with, at least the first day or 2 being back home. He got upset because the doctor said I should be fine. We got into a big argument after I explained that this is my 2nd major medical procedure int he last 2 months and I didn't say I wasn't doing anything, I just needed a little extra help.

This morning, my MIL, who I usually get along great with, stopped me on my way to the bathroom to tell me I shouldn't be asking for extra help. That I have a child now and it doesn't mater what healing I'm doing because the baby comes first. Again, I said I wasn't asking for anyone to take over for the baby completely, I was just uncomfortable carrying the baby from room to room since she is pretty big now and kicks right where the incisions are. I thought it was reasonable since I literally just came home from the hospital the evening before.

I thought my points were valid but now that 2 people in my family have said the same thing I'm not sure if I'm TA or not. I'm just in a lot of pain and I need a little more rest than usual, not to mention my painkillers have been putting me to sleep for hours. AITA?

Edit:

Trying to add this answer in my update, but it isn't posting for whatever reason so I'll leave it here.

Both my husband and MIL previously had been super helpful with the baby. My husband has never seen helping out as babysitting or only my job and my MIL has also helped a lot by watching my child so I can take naps or run errands. I'm not sure why they blew up when I asked for just a bit of extra help. Wanted to clarify they had been very helpful up until this point.

As far as the living situation is, we are temporarily staying with my MIL. She had broken her back and our lease for our apartment was up so we decided to move in to help her heal and also use that time to save money for a down payment on a house. unfortunately this was right before the housing in our area blew up in prices so it's been hard to find anything. What was only supposed to last about 6-12 months will be 2 years in November.

A big part of both of their arguments was that my MIL had her gallbladder removed a few years ago and she went right back to normal as soon as she left the hospital since she's the main caretaker for her mother. She's also broken her back twice while taking care of her parents and still went right back to it as soon as she left the hospital.

Then she compared me recovering to a story of her killing a tarantula outside before her kids came home from school. Yes, it could bite her and maybe even kill her but her kids are worth it, and that's how I needed to see recovering from surgery as...

Verdict: Not The Asshole

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Relevant Comments:

• Comment: NTA The unwillingness from both your DH and MIL to recognize you need to recover from a surgery you had two days ago is staggering. Your MIL seems to subscribe to that old fashioned thinking that "parenting is a woman's job, men just help babysit". She disregarded your discomfort and, indirectly, suggested you're a bad parent for needing to heal from a literal organ removal. The thing is, your MIL stopping you on your way to the bathroom, in the morning, at your own home, clearly shows your husband ran to her and told her you were being unreasonable. Then she chose to scold you instead of helping. This requires a long talk regarding boundaries. Is there anyone from your side of the family willing to give you a hand for a couple of days? Or will DH and MIL finally decide to help you after you pop a stitch or two?
• Comment: NTA. Honestly having my gallbladder removed was the most painful recovery of my life and I've had a hysterectomy, breast reduction, eye surgery, etc. It took me a week just to walk around normally. I cannot imagine carrying a baby around, too! You need to find an advocate before you end up with postpartum depression. Your doctor is apparently a misogynist.

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Update: AITA For Wanting More Help With My Child After My Surgery (30 June 2023)

First off I wanted to thank everyone for their input. I was feeling kind of bad for being upset over this but this made me feel like me feelings were justified. I do want to clear a couple things up.

First off, I totally get why some people thought in this instance my husband was seeing helping with his child as "babysitting". Usually he's all for putting in 50/50 with our child. He stays up late, fixes bottles, changes diapers, etc. He's usually a very doting and loving father, which is why his comment threw me off so much. And my MIL has also helped a lot by watching my child so I can take naps or run errands, again which is why I was so thrown off by her comment.

A lot of people asked about our living situation. We are temporarily staying with my MIL while saving for a down payment on a home. She stays at home and has offered to take care of the baby when I go back to work. There wasn't really anywhere else I could stay as others suggested either. My family has also been treating the surgery as no big deal and expected that I would have no problem with the baby. And even when they offered to come help for the day they all backed out last minute so I was feeling very on my own.

As far as the aftermath my husband and MIL both apologized for what they said. Everyone was exhausted from the 4 days I was in the hospital. My husband wasn't sleeping while at the hospital and my baby was apparently very fussy since it was the longest time she was away from me since giving birth to her so MIL had no sleep either and everyone was just frustrated with the entire situation. I guess they both just said the first thing that came into their heads with no sleep after I asked for help. I was honestly relieved because neither of them have ever acted like that before and it was completely out of nowhere. Everything has been good now. I am still healing but my husband and MIL have been a huge help with the baby. I go back to work in about 2 weeks and I'm trying to get as much rest as possible beforehand as well.

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Relevant Comment:

• Comment: I’m glad to hear you are being more supported now. Regardless of the explanation for their earlier response to your request for help, did they acknowledge that their expectations were completely unrealistic and, in fact, cruel to expect of anyone? Because saying things in the heat of a tired and overwrought moment is one thing, but the basis of what is said (their belief that “a mother’s love for her child” should be able to transcend physical inability and that your feelings and needs don’t matter) is really alarming. If they truly carry those beliefs and just usually hide it better, then it could mean bad things for the future. (Taking it to an extreme, if you were diabetic and having a hypoglycemic event would they tell you to suck it up and delay treating yourself of the baby was crying? Would they tell you that severe depression should be ignored until it was convenient for them to support you in getting treatment because the baby needed something?) OOP: My husband acknowledged that he was in the wrong and did not realize how much actual pain I was in. My MIL didn't but we are both a bit awkward with big emotions toward each other so I know she genuinely meant it.

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Reminder: I am not the Original Poster. Originally posted in - r/AmItheAsshole by u/External_Ad_7876. Do not comment on original posts.