Hello BCD. To be honest, I really don't know how to start this, but recently I've been spiraling back to the things that I once tried to get over in the past. If you've been with me, you know na I've been talking to this guy for a while na (Bumble Guy). Nag meet kami pag Taylor Sheesh event sang Saturday, and he was a pretty cool person. Pero na notice ko na I have this problem- I keep on searching for qualities my ex used to have in people I am trying to date. Yesterday, I thought I saw them (my ex) so I stalked their accounts and found out that they're still dating (with the person he cheated on me with)- or atleast based on their interaction sa social media. Based on my investigations, they last saw each other on September 25, and currently has no posts this October. There was also one repost of my ex (because I saw both their tiktok accounts) about him not being a priority, so I'm guessing their relationship isn't all that good.

Before you come into me, lemme explain my side. I have been at peace for the past couple months. I have never tried to stalk anyone and focused on living my life. I only did the stalking to affirm if their relationship was serving them good and I realized it was not a good idea since I only grew jealous and a little spiteful. I have no plans to continue with my investigations since I already had enough information.

If you came a long way until this part of the post, I hope I can have your insights because I've been a little troubled since yesterday. What I really meant to ask is, why can't I seem to let it go? I always tell myself, it's been 5 months already, I should be okay at this point. I know healing isn't linear and I'm still doing so, but why does it feel like it's so unfair? Why am I so hung up with that shitty ex who cheated on me? Why did that 2-month relationship scar me so much that I can't seem to let my guard down and just be completely free?

I just wanna be clean from that guy. He wasn't all that good but somehow, there's still this longing, a need for closure, or an affirmation that I am not crazy. Or maybe I am looking for that kind of feeling again nga na feel ko sa ex ko. I don't know. I am a mess and it's too complicated to explain deeper. I just wish someone understood so that I know I'm not losing my mind.

p.s: I'm a little sad lang because of what I discovered yesterday. Nag talk na kami ni Bumble guy and all is well naman. I wanna date people but its harder compared to when kami pa sang ex ko.