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Although I've mentioned it second in the title, I want to start with a massive thank you to this community and everyone who posts here. It's always so helpful, and some of the things I've asked about recently have helped me so much in my dancing. So thank you! The reason for my post is to hopefully help some others who, like me, can find socials very difficult - far more than the lessons, which is understandable. Things have really changed for me in that respect recently and I wanted to share how I got there!
For a bit of background, I've been dancing (as a lead) for about 10 months and about 8 of those have been consistent lessons at least once a week but normally two. At the lessons I go to, we have 4 levels where 1 is the beginners and 4 is advanced and I'm on 2. My experience with socials up until very recently wasn't very good. I would sit at the side and watch the other people dancing really well and just feel totally intimidated. I went to a 5 hour social event not long ago and literally sat there for the first 2.5 hours just doing nothing except feeling crap, and that happened again not long after. I know there are lots of posts in the sub of people struggling in socials and a lot of the advice is around changing your mindset and just accepting that you'll have bad dances etc. and that is all very good advice which I would definitely try and follow.
But I also wanted to think of some actual practical things that I could do to help since mindsets can be entrenched and very hard to shift on their own and I'm pleased to say that the things I do now have really helped, to the point where I now actively look forward to socials! I'm going to post the things I did below, and hopefully they will help some of you too.
My social dancing is now much more enjoyable because:
- I dance the basic step with variation and musicality. I made a post here recently about worrying how much I use the basic step in a dance while I think of other things because I was concerned that my follower would be bored. The replies in that thread really opened my eyes and were perhaps the biggest thing that changed it for me. When I would do the basic you could almost hear the cogs in my head turning, while I tried to think of something 'better' and I would dance it almost apologetically just side to side.
But that thread made me realise that it's a step in its own right and there are lots of easy variations you can do that really mix it up. So now, when I dance a basic, I do it with musicality, I change up how I do it (on the spot, with some circular movement etc) and I often use that time to look at my partner and smile or connect in some way. And because I'm not stressing, the dance is much nicer, and the other steps come to my head much easier.
- I attend the lessons beforehand and always say hi to my partner. I've never been to a social where they didn't have a 1 hour lesson at the start and I always make sure I go to that before the social. It helps me for two reasons. First, it's just a really good warm up to the social, getting into the groove etc. But also, crucially, it helps me connect with people before the social begins. I don't go as far as introducing myself by name, but I do smile and say hi. Sometimes that's all we do, but sometimes it leads into a small conversation about how we're finding the lesson etc. which can help with the connection and brings me nicely onto my next point...
- To begin with, I aim to dance with those I've already connected with. When the social part of the event starts, I've already got in my head who I would like to dance with, based on the lesson that just finished. If there are people I had a nice chat with or just really enjoyed dancing the lesson with, I'll begin the social with them to ease myself in. It also helps because I'm more likely to make mistakes in the first few dances while I shake off the rust and I don't let it get to me anywhere near as much if the follower is someone I've made a connection with.
- I always start the dance with the same basic combo that I enjoy. When I go to dance with someone, I already know in my head what the first 4 or 5 steps are going to be because I start off the same way every time. I've put together a short combo of basic moves that feels good to dance and that I can lead well and those are my go to steps. That gives me the confidence to mix things up from that point on. If I do find at any point I'm struggling to think of things, that's when I go back to the basic but, as mentioned before, I don't do it apologetically now!
- I get my first dance in early. The first dance is always the hardest one to do, I find. The big mistake I made at socials before was to sit and stew about how inadequate I felt but now I make sure, using the tips above about people I've connected with, that I get up and dance with someone almost straight away. It just sets the tone for the whole social and gets me in the mood.
- If I'm watching and I see someone do a really nice step that I don't know, I try and ask them later. Previously, I would sit and feel intimidated at all the fluid steps I was watching and feel rubbish, but now when I watch I'm looking for any steps that I think look great. If I then see that person standing at the side during a dance, I might go over and ask if we could practice that. They might not want since they might be waiting for a proper dance but that's fine!
So, those are the things that have really helped me and as I said I now look forward to socials rather than feeling really nervous about them. I still have nerves of course, but they are nowhere near as pronounced. I hope some of those tips can help you so that you can also enjoy yourself a bit more at your next social event.
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