I (32f) can't handle it anymore. I was diagnosed 17 years ago and since then I have been struggling alone to understand what was happening to me and what I could do to improve. and I honestly think I have done well considering that no one helped me and I always had to search and find the "solutions" by myself.

However, I feel that I have no strength left. I have been in very difficult situations for more than 3 years in a row (parental divorce, mother increasingly neurotic without recognizing, relationship of abuse and psychological abuse 1, relationship of psychological abuse 2, loss of my company, scam by my business partner, moving to London and problems with the visa, deported after a year and a half living there with my current partner who is still there, return to my country which causes me brutal anxiety, absolutely 0 money...etc) I have been fighting to survive everything for a long time and without any break in the middle and now I feel empty in every way. I spend my days doing absolutely nothing except trying to suppress my thoughts through social media and movies, but even that doesn't help me anymore. None of my hobbies help me, I get up at noon and I just wait for it to be time to go back to sleep because I don't feel like doing anything. I don't even want to get up in the morning, I have lost all hope, strength or desire to live. And after an hour of crying, sobbing and screaming into my pillow, I found myself thinking about what would be the best way to "get out of the way." which is not a surprise, I always had thoughts and some attempts but it had been a long time since they were so vivid. I don't know if by telling this I'm asking for help, trying to get attention, saying goodbye, to show someone that they are not alone in this hell. I don't know, honestly. I just know that I don't have the strength left to move on but probably, after so many years, I won't be able to try to "leave". So I will simply continue to be a breathing body until stop. and nothing else. I feel that I am not made (actually BPD people) to participate in today's world, and the current world is not capable of handling people like us.
I'm terrified of going out, interacting and getting into a routine because of how much it's going to cost me to adapt, because my battery has run out. But to get out of all this I need to have a routine, a normal schedule, etc. and yet I am not capable although I do not stop trying. I don't know what else can I do anymore.