VERY, VERY, VERY LONG POST 😊(This is my second attempt and I’ve revised the post according to the different things I learned from posting a few weeks ago. That’s why it’s longer. LOL)

What I'm looking for...

A man that loves to have deep soulful conversations, is emotionally mature and self-aware, wants an equal partner, can also let loose, laugh, and be goofy, loves sex and kink and wants that to be a big part of our lives. He also leans liberal on the political spectrum and is open to spiritual things.

He is passionately nerdy about whatever excites him … ideally we match on some of that stuff. I looooove Magic the Gathering, Dungeons and Dragons, spicy dark romance and fantasy novels, Star Trek, Star Wars and all things science fiction … I’m also super spiritual and believe in manifestation and have been a Healer, Energy Worker, and Life Coach for the past 6 years. I love exploring Charlotte, new restaurants, and can’t wait to finally be able to afford traveling again. I’m an adventurer and explorer by nature … and I also love hanging out at home, watching movies, playing video games, and cuddling up a storm.

D/s, sex, and all that kinky fuckery plays a vital part in this relationship but it cannot be its basis. The basis has to be a partnership of two people who completely respect and care about each other as human beings first. I want a partner first, a Dom second. I do NOT want a 24/7 dynamic or Total Power Exchange.

This is primarily an in-the-bedroom dynamic which can (and hopefully will) bleed into other parts of our lives. For example, we go out to dinner, and you order me not to wear panties and to always spread my legs when you want to touch my pussy no matter where we are. I’m always waiting with bated breath for you to touch me and I’m practically leaking from anticipation. You touch me under the table and I spread my legs eagerly waiting for you to brush your fingers over my pussy while trying to seem normal and eat my food. You might even push a finger inside me and I’m hard-pressed trying not to moan and to keep breathing evenly. (THINGS like that. 😊)

I’m not a service sub (I do like pleasing you sexually) … cleaning the room … taking your coat … or cooking for you will not arouse me or put me into subspace. Truth is my Vanilla self enjoys being pampered just as much as I enjoy pampering my man. I’m not a pain slut (I do enjoy enduring pain to an extent, and it does intensify my pleasure). I don’t need someone to control what I eat, drink, wear, or do with my life outside of the bedroom (though I’d love to do things with you where I can wear sexy clothes just for you.) I don’t need to be molded, guided, or trained. I’m perfectly capable of regulating my own emotions, making my own decisions, and dealing with my life in a healthy way. Trust me, I’ve done A LOT of therapy to get to this point. (However, I would love for us to support each other emotionally and instrumentally in whatever way feels mutually fulfilling and discuss life choices and decisions and get each other’s input.)

I don’t enjoy orgasm control. I don’t mind being teased and denied as you play with me and ramp up the intensity of that eventual release, but I need that release, and I need it and want it more than once. Outside of the bedroom, orgasm control is a hard limit. Trying to limit when I can come or how often will result in a lot of frustration and resentment on my part and will simply not work. I’d be happy to explain the reasons behind this as I’ve tried it.

I don’t like degradation or humiliation unless it’s mild and tempered by affection and ownership. “My sweet, dirty, little slut, you spilled Daddy’s cum on the bed … I need you to lick that up right now. Show Daddy how much you like his cum.” (Like I said, MILD)

I love pleasing you but I’m not going to be fulfilled just by pleasing you. I want to receive pleasure, too. I want to be loved and praised and cherished, too.

I’d prefer a Daddy-type Pleasure Dom with a mild-to-medium sadistic side. I love being pushed and it does thrill me when he gets off on inflicting pain but I need that tempered by genuine desire for my pleasure and well-being as well.

I’m a good girl and not a brat except for some gentle playfulness and teasing. I like my dom to be gentle but firm and absolutely melt when given orders. I have a definite praise kink and crave touch and affection.

With established trust and my feeling absolutely safe to voice my needs and boundaries I may very well want to take things further and explore rougher, more painful, more primal play. This is obviously contingent on my partner feeling comfortable with this as well.

My Kink List (this is a living document, always being updated as experiences are had)

At the start of the relationship with established trust and feeling safe:

Giving/Receiving Oral

Forced Orgasms

Anal Play/Anal Fucking

Fucking my pussy

Teasing my pussy

Fingering my pussy

Blowjobs

Face-fucking

Swallowing your cum

Cleaning your cum off your cock with my tongue

Cream pies

Restraints

Impact play (over the knee spanking with hands or paddle, bending over and being spanked with the crop, a paddle, hands, love having my pussy and clit spanked or hit with the crop)

Clamps/Clothespins

Pussy Torture

Toys

Kneeling/crawling

Hand on my throat

Sexual Tasks (not wearing panties for the day, sending pics, tasting myself, etc.)

Feeling owned

Being controlled by my hair, a collar and leash, my neck

Me naked and you fully clothed (We could play Magic that way. Or watch a movie. Preferably I’m also wearing a collar and leash and am dripping wet from arousal) 😊

Being told what to do

Funishments – I like being punished and even pushed beyond what feels good into genuine pain and discomfort BUT for me kink should never be used to address relationship concerns. Outside of sex and the bedroom we are equals and discuss any issues between us as partners NOT as Dom/sub.

Praise Kink “Good Girl”, “You are taking this spanking so good for Daddy, pet.”

Dirty Talk “Is your needy pussy leaking, dirty little girl”?” “Are you my gorgeous little cum slut?” (I’m open to tons of different dirty talk, those are just very basic examples.)

AFTERCARE for both of us. Lots of cuddles, caresses, and kisses which will also be reciprocated. My love languages are Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. I need both to feel happy and I will shower you with the same.

Safe Words: Traffic Light System (Green=Keep Going, Yellow=Please stop/slow down/change what you are doing, Red=Stop Right the Fuck Now and Cuddle me)

Caring just as much about my mental, emotional and physical well-being as I do about yours.

Laughing at the awkwardness and silliness of ourselves when things inevitably go wrong. (I laugh, giggle, smile … all the time.)

We’ve committed to each other and are building a safe, loving, transparent relationship with emotionally mature communication. I feel safe to use my safe words and we are having fun exploring kink together.

Free use, Watersports, CNC, Face slapping, painal, some forms of humiliation, spitting in my mouth, more intense funishments, worshipping your body, your cock, your balls, your feet … and anything that you might want that’s a little bit more extreme.

Hard Limits:

Being called stupid, worthless, useless or things to that effect, misogyny, tickling (it’s fine if we’re just teasing and being playful, not fine if I’m restrained or being held down), worshipping my feet (weirds me out), scat, needles/blood, age play, breathplay/choking, public humiliation, structures/routines that don’t fit my life style (e.g., sending a picture every morning doesn’t work, controlling my orgasms doesn’t work for me … happy to explain why … I’ve tried both previously), vomiting, electro play, nothing illegal, involving people who did not consent to witness our dynamic (public play), … (not an exhaustive list will add more as things come up).

About Vanilla Me

I'm a life coach and crisis counselor at a suicide hotline. I find it incredibly rewarding to help people heal from emotional trauma and to give them hope. Especially, as I've been through a lot of trauma myself and have spent a great deal of time and energy healing those traumas and becoming a whole and healed person.

All this healing has resulted in me growing into a very happy person who loves to laugh, smile, and dance around her living room. I am financially independent and secure, relatively fit and attractive (there’s a picture of me in my profile), and I’ve learned how to communicate authentically, gently and without making accusations. I am vulnerable with my emotions, needs, and boundaries so long as you are a safe space to do that with. I’m still working on expressing all my needs, wants, and boundaries as I’m a recovering people-pleaser but I’m completely aware of this and willing to push myself.😊

I love to meditate and do breathwork to connect with my higher self and my guides. I'm very spiritual. I believe in energy work, astrology, human design, manifestation, reincarnation and all sorts of out-there stuff. Discovering and allowing myself to believe in these things was a big turning point in my healing journey and so I cherish all these beautifully crazy beliefs now. I originally come from a very science-based background and have a Masters in Psychology and completely understand when people don't believe in this stuff and I never try to convince anyone of my beliefs.

I have a 13-year-old son who lives with me most of the time and with his dad some of the time. His dad and I only recently divorced even though we've been separated for about 5 years now. My ex and I get along extremely well, and we co-parent our son with lots of love and communication. My son is a very important part of my life, and I love him intensely. He's also old enough now to want to do his own thing and is perfectly content to let me do mine. I enjoy being able to focus more on me and my wants, needs and desires.

After healing and being a mom for the past 13 years, I’ve finally started living my life the way I want to live it and am starting to immerse myself in the things I used to love to do. I love reading fantasy novels, playing Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering, going out with my girlfriends for Soundbaths and Energy Healings, and exploring the city I live in. I enjoy exploring nature and talking up a storm about anything I’m passionate about with a likeminded soul. I love trying knew foods, cooking, playing board games, attending kink or vanilla events and making new friends. I absolutely adore spending all day in bed, having kinky sex, cuddling and bdsm-ing as well.

What I’m looking for in my Partner

Below is a description of my ideal partner but I’m fully aware that none of us are ideal, we are all just humans with flaws and quirks and issues. So look at it as a rough outline of who I’m looking for, not exact specifications.

About You

You are financially secure and independent (do not care what you do as long as it makes you happy).

You are currently single (separated with intent to divorce is fine).

You are looking for a monogamous long-term--if it works out, for the rest of our lives--relationship. (I’ve tried open, I’ve tried poly – it is not for me)

You do not want (more) kids. (Tubes are tied. No more kids for me.)  

Are between the ages of 33 and 55.

At least 6 feet tall (I’m 5’8” and I like to wear heels and still feel smaller than you)

Relatively fit and attractive (please send me a current body/face pic if we start chatting. I have pics of myself in my profile)

You live in or around Charlotte. I want the ability to get to know you IRL now-ish! (I do not want an online-first dynamic. I do not want a long-distance relationship. I do not want to maybe one-day if it works out have you move here AND I absolutely cannot relocate because of my son who needs to be close to his dad.)

You are willing to provide a recent STD test. (I will, too.)

You have a high sex drive and enjoy giving pleasure just as much as receiving it.

Most of our kinks match.

You want an equal, passionate, loving, fun Vanilla partnership first and a sexually intense D/s dynamic second. You do not want 24/7 or Total Power Exchange.

We get to know each other as Vanilla people in Vanilla ways BEFORE any kink happens. We can talk about our kinks, we can even tease each other in chats, but you are not domming me and I’m not submitting to you in any way without meeting and hitting it off in real life. And when we do hit it off and we are considering committing to this relationship for the time being, then we discuss safe words, negotiate our limits, talk about our needs and have sensual, loving, Vanilla sex BEFORE any kink happens. This is what I need to feel safe with you.

You have time to invest in this relationship (can spend at least one evening and night with me every two weeks and as time goes on, every week … and eventually more if things work out).

You are willing to take the initiative in setting up dates and scenes and fun for us. (I totally will, too, just don’t want to be the only one.)

You are intelligent and enjoy the pursuit of knowledge through books or other media.

You are liberal on the political spectrum.

You are passionately nerdy about SOMETHING in your life. Ideally, you are open to or also already love fantasy/sci-fi, Magic, DnD, board games, spicy romance novels… or similar things.

You love having long, deep conversations about substantive topics.

You love to laugh, let loose, be social and go on adventures with me.

You also enjoy cuddling up with good food and a great movie and spending the day in bed.

You have invested time and energy into improving your emotional intelligence, coping, listening and communication skills … ideally, you’ve had some therapy as I firmly believe we can all benefit from that.

You can have difficult conversations in a vulnerable manner with lots of empathy and without getting defensive

Ideally, you believe some of the same spiritual stuff I do including in reincarnation, energy, manifestation and meta-physics. At the very least I’d need you to be open-minded and a little curious. Please don’t be a hardcore atheist or follower of any of the major religions (Exception: Buddhists, Open-minded Christians who don’t take the Bible literally).

You are okay with my son and his dad being an important part of my life. (His Dad and I are like brother and sister at this point in our lives. But we are great co-parents and care about each other). You wouldn’t be meeting or spending time with my son (or ever even meeting his dad) unless our relationship looks like it will become more substantial.

If this resonates with you, please message me and tell me about yourself. I want to know more about you and a lot of times people who message me have empty profiles. So, please, tell me about yourself, don't just say "Hi ... I loved your post. Let's chat." Some examples of what to say below:

1.What about my post resonated with you?

2.How do you meet my criteria?

3.What are you doing with your life? Career? Fulfilment? Hobbies?

4.Do you have kids? Pets?

5.What are you passionately nerdy about?

6.How long have you been kinky and/or into BDSM? How much experience do you have with kink/BDSM? What are your kinks? What are your limits? What are you looking for in terms of a D/s dynamic?

7.What are you looking for in a relationship?  

8.Want to impress me with how attentively you read this entire post? Tell me your zodiac sign. 😊

Love and Light,

Jess