Greetings, and thank you for reading this. I apologize for the inadvertent weirdness of the following words, as this is the first time I’m properly reflecting on these feelings and urges of mine. As I said, a lot of this will be introspective, rambling and (hopefully) a bit humorous, but I sincerely believe that this format is necessary to properly set the context for what I’m asking for.

I’m a submissive person. I’ve always known that. I don’t like to be the center of attention and I definitely don’t want to tell anybody else what to do. I hate that feeling. Power. It makes me feel guilty and disgusting. Even the smallest amounts of power that people grant me over them, I immediately reject.

On the contrary, there always was something about giving in, submitting, that felt so noble, so pristine to me. To yield my choice of decision, my agency, in order to the show my appreciation, my gratitude. Sometimes, even if I don’t welcome it.

Like being cut-off as I speak. I’ll be in the middle of telling a story, when someone else who happened to be blessed with a louder voice and more outgoing personality than I was interrupts the flow of my words and promptly ends my monologue.

Bewildered, I resign from the conversation. I yield.

The story I was excited to tell dies on my lips and I am left with…this deep, fulfilling sensation of submission as my words fade out and I close my lips, smile and participate in the conversation as a listener. This is a feeling of true bliss.

My sternum radiates waves of icy calmness and my hands twitch with excitement. I have never been more at ease.

But this isn’t what BDSM typically is. A lot of what BDSM is, I don’t really vibe with. I don’t care for the ropes and shackles, the framing of a “play-session” and the overt sexual nature of it all. I never liked the various personas that people slip into when they go into “dominant-mode”.

I don’t want you to be my “Daddy”, my “Mistress”, or other whatever-the-fuck.

I just want you to be you: my friend. My friend who just happens to take pleasure in hurting me.

I’m not on here asking for sex. I am afraid of it and I hate it. I’m asexual and have had a few terrible experiences in the past with girls who didn’t accept that fact and pressured me into more. Don’t do that.

Rather, I am here asking if someone on here would like to explore this side of mine with me.

I want to be hurt. That’s sincerely all I am asking for. I’ve done my introspection and I’ve considered the ramifications. I’m writing this because I’m offering you control, power and the opportunity to hurt me.

I don’t care how you do it. After all, it’s all in my head anyway - all it is, is a counterintuitive, anti-self-preservation-instinct and completely irrational response to degradation. To a loss of control. A weird reaction I am humbly asking you to try and trigger.

I don’t know why I am that obsessed with these feelings. I guess they just feel that good.

Just like the rat in the lab, frying its brain with the orgasm-button, I’ve had my taste of heaven and I am missing it dearly every second I go without it.

Without a cold voice telling me to my face that I look fat, no matter how much time I spend at the gym.

Without harsh instructions, that I don’t belong on the couch, as I sit on the cold floor in their flat.

Without a firm hand to smack me across the face, for no good reason other than that the owner of said appendage felt like it. Felt like hurting me.

Without teeth that bite my lip open before we leave the house, just so the strangers can look at what a victim I am.

Just a few of my fucked up ideas that send my dopamine centers flying. I like to think about these scenarios to fall asleep. Nothing calms me down more than the thought of being put in my place.

Reach out, let’s talk about this. I’d like to hear some ramblings of this nature from the “other side” if possible because that’s something I can imagine even less.

Hope you had fun reading this, I really, really enjoyed writing it.

Have a nice day/evening/sleep/cupcake. [pick whatever is applicable]