TW: SA

I was r4p3d by a guy at my college. We were friends and he was the first person to teach me about BDSM. I grew up catholic and was sheltered my entire life, I still don’t fully understand my sexuality. I now have a twisted view of the community and I want to understand it better. I don’t know if the community gave this guy the idea that using me as a human fleshlight was okay or if he was just a monster.

I feel like part of it was my fault for allowing him to use my body for whatever he wanted for many months. I let him grind on me, suck my nipples, leave hickies on me and shower with me. It became such a habit that he stopped asking and would just take my clothes off and start doing whatever when I was drunk and sober. I became so numb and used to it that I didn’t think much of it at the time, I just laid there and let it happen.

Someone finally became aware of what he was doing and asked us about it, asking me if I was still giving consent. I thought about it long and hard and asked him why he stopped asking for consent. He said the BDSM community goes off body language and is bad at asking for consent, and I believed him.

That was the night he completed took advantage of me when I was drunk. The next day he gave me the same excuse. I completely blacked out and have no memory of what happened. I only remember being dragged into the shower because he claimed it would sober me up. I had a glimpse of him above me while I was on the shower floor and the thought of “why can’t I stop screaming” going through my head.

I had no real confirmation if it happened or not until I noticed a pain and signs of internal injury. I got a r4p3 kit and they saw tearing and grip marks engraved in the back of my neck. All of this happened to me because someone thought this was what the BDSM community does. Is this a universal experience? Do other people in the community get confused and think this is okay?