Hello, English is not my native language, so forgive me if there are any mistakes. First, I'm white with pretty trashy but white parents. Except that my husband is hapa (mixed Canadian and Vietnamese).

which means that our children (4F 1M) have a Vietnamese grandmother (Ba Noi).

My daughter is starting to say more and more often that she doesn't like it when Ba Noi comes to visit us at home, because she forces her to be clean, not noisy, discreet.

this creates exhausting interactions where my daughter persists with her grandmother and refuses to have her hair done against her will, to play very directive games, etc.

Ba Noï accuses us more and more often that our children are stubborn and badly brought up (while those around us consider our children to be balanced, happy and very normal)

Do you have any tips for easing the clash between grandchildren raised in a benevolent upbringing and an Asian grand-parent who prioritizes appearance and obedience?

My husband has deep wounds from this upbringing, he is in therapy because of it and he can hardly express limits to his mother.