I woke up today after getting my first "full" nights sleep since D Day. My FitBit says I slept 7.5 hours. I weighed myself. I'm down 21lbs since D Day. I'm not upset about this. I put on lots of weight while we were together. I make myself some oatmeal. I cut up a Pink Lady Apple to put in it. I start to cry for a second... I never kept apples in the house before we met. It's not that I didn't like them, I just never bought them. We got them for the kids. I buy them now out of habit. I miss the kids. I start to miss you... but then I remind myself that YOU caused me this pain. I take a deep breath. I slide my apple pieces into my oatmeal. I enjoy my breakfast in silence.

I get up and feed the dogs. My dog and your dog are best friends. I wonder if your dog will stay here. She certainly has a better life here than she did living at your old place. She gets attention and exercise and time outside here. She always has water and clean blankets to sleep on. She even made friends with my cat. I think about how you didn't pay attention to her the same way you didn't pay attention to me. We're just two girls that loved you while you gave your time and attention to everybody else. We're holding up fine, thanks for asking.

I have therapy today. For the first time, I don't have any topics to bring up that center around you. I'm going to talk about opening up to my best friend. I'm going to talk about my boarding school trauma. I'm going to talk about how I used sex as a coping mechanism. I'm going to talk about what healthy love is. You've been the center of my world since the day I met you. You never extended that courtesy to me.

I reflect on how you guilted me for having a longer drive to work by living in my house. It's ironic that you used that time to meet other people. Maybe deep down you knew that all that extra time created the perfect opportunity for you to indulge in your abhorrent behavior. Maybe you blamed me for giving you that runway. I don't care anymore. I have so many unanswered questions and so much I'll never get resolution to. Each day I have to fight the urge to dig and search and pry and beg. You've given me an impossible task. You gave me one the day you said you wanted to be exclusive, too.

I'm fighting the exhaustion minute by minute. My thyroid issue has me physically weak and vulnerable. I can't keep much down and I don't get much relief. My emotional state has me not sleeping and not eating. I'm tired in a way I haven't felt since I was in labor with my daughter. Everything requires willpower. Everything is hard. My hope is that as I press on, day by day, it will get a tiny bit easier. Every pound lost is a step that is a little less painful. Every hour slept gives me sixty minutes of relief.

I wonder what's on your mind.