We tried to have a baby. We had two miscarriages. Not only were they devastating emotionally, but they took a toll on me physically as well. I've got a pretty severe issue with my thyroid that is likely a result of our failed attempts... and it could change my life forever.

Your betrayal has damaged me emotionally. I'm depressed. Tired. Apathetic. I'm on medication for my anxiety. I don't care about anything. My thyroid issue also causes fatigue and loss of appetite. I'm finally losing weight, which would normally be something to be excited about... but in this scenario it's a bad thing.

I can't sleep. At first it was nightmares and loneliness. Then it was a lingering malaise and my constant obsessing over where you are and what you're doing. Now, this mass in my throat is so large it hurts to swallow. I lay awake thinking about all the things I don't have energy to do.

I'm taking things one day at a time. I'm forcing myself to stick to NC. I resist the urge to check your blog. You're blocked on everything... so it's easy to not stalk you. I'm so glad I made that choice yesterday. I probably wouldn't have had the willpower to do it today.

I don't usually need people. I remember when I got my IUD taken out, I got violently ill. I was vomiting and had a fever and you were so grossed out by the puke I had to go empty the trash myself. It made me laugh how squeamish you were.

I'm really sick right now and I can't turn to you as a result of your actions. I know you want to be here for me. I can't trust your motives, so I'm here alone. I'm exhausted. I'm scared. I want to be held and told everything is OK. I want someone to make me a cup of tea and get me a cool washcloth. I force myself to get out of bed. I have to do it all myself.

I feel bad on the inside. I feel bad on the outside.

It's my second day of NC. This week is going to be hard, but I just have to make it through today. If I don't make myself and my health a priority right now, it could literally kill me. I miss what I thought was real. I love who I thought you were.

Take care of yourself. While it's painful for me to say this... I can't do it anymore.