This is long. If you’re just looking for a one-time fuck, or a large collection of words in one place scares you, please move along. If you can see this post, we’re alive and active and seeking. Also, we don’t use Kik or any other messenger. We’re not going to send you smutty texts and neither of us is getting together with you alone. Don’t even bother trying.

Unicorns: You have a choice. Choose wisely. We’re seeking a fun single bisexual female (yes, a “Unicorn”), or an awesome couple with a straight male and bisexual female (like us!). We are not, under any circumstances, currently looking for a single male. On the off-chance that we are someday, please don’t ruin your chance of showing up to the party because you sent us a one-liner and dick pic. Ugh.

About both us: We’re both white, English speaking, late-40’s, married to each other, currently chubby, formerly fat and quite imperfect. We haven’t had perfect bodies since the 90’s. We’re employed professionals, homeowners, parents to adult kids, and this is NOT our first rodeo. We both know the way to our dentist’s office without our GPS enabled, and we’ve known each other – and we’ve been occasionally having crazy sex together with relative strangers on and off for decades. That said, we do not consider ourselves “swingers.” Swingers go to meetings and swim in tired waters. We just like meeting people. We’re both state MMJ card-holders. We’re “friendly” on that front, but we have ZERO (I repeat: ZERO) interest in “hard drugs” beyond what you can find growing in a field. We’re free of disease. We play safely and sanely. We’re also four-eyed nerds, which is fine, because everyone is now, apparently. Neither of us smoke cigarettes, so you doing so would be awful if you like being kissed. We live in Ahwatukee, near the bottom of Phoenix, and we regularly travel to Las Vegas or out to the casino in Maricopa.

About her: She’s tall, curvy, great hips and breasts, with a wonderful smile and a sharp wit. She’s bisexual (not “curious” or a “pillow princess”). She just wants to be in the middle, where the fun is. [Who can blame her.] Much like we’re not “swingers,” she’s not “submissive” …but she does prefer at least one strong personality in the bedroom with her.

About him: He’s tall, still lugging around a bit of a belly, with a wry smile and a love of sarcasm. He’s straight (also not curious). He too enjoys the middle, at least once our guest has been there long enough. He’s not a “dominant,” but he does offer a strong personality in the bedroom.

About you: You are, ideally, a single bisexual female. Since we’re in our late 40’s, with young parents and grown children, we simply ask that you be older than our kids and younger than our kid’s grandparents. [That’s our parents for those of you scoring at home.] Let’s call it 30’s and 40’s and early-50’s. You can be any ethnicity. You can be nearly any weight as long as you’re not using the electric cart at Wal*Mart or so desperate for a sandwich that you’re going to blow away in a strong breeze. Height is not a factor. What IS a factor, however, is that you should want to have a good, long, fun time. You should enjoy the thought of a long night in a casino hotel room where everyone gets their jam on in nearly every conceivable way until the sun comes up before napping until late check-out.

As mentioned, this isn’t our first rodeo, and we aren’t every-weekend “swingers” constantly on the prowl. As such, the perfect candidate for this position (and a few other positions!) should want to see us in an ongoing, casual thing. We aren’t looking for a “girlfriend,” but we are looking for someone to be friendly with when we’ve all got a free weekend.

“HEY! If you’re so star-spangled awesome, why are you looking for someone?” is the sort of thing you might say about now. Shouldn’t we already have an awesome special friend who loves to spend weekends in a strange hotel room having crazy sex? Well, you’re right that we should – and we did have such a wonderful friend – but time marches on, and eventually all relationships end. She found love (as opposed to sex), and we’re happy for her. Her loss is your gain!

[If you’ve read this far and you’re a couple – thanks for being patient. Pretty much everything above goes for you guys too. Be cool, be fun, be interested in getting to know us and ultimately having a crazy night.]

“OK! You sold me! Now what?!?” Drop us a line! We’d love to meet you for chips and salsa and a drink, or chat over tapas, or stand around awkwardly in a casino while you decide if you’re brave enough to talk to us once you’ve spotted us. Take a chance. We’re worth it.