Cross posting here and r/sdam since here is much more active

I just would like to start off by saying I know it’s become popular with some to make dismissive statements such as “don’t worry about sdam you were fine before you found this sub and knew about it” I can guarantee you I personally have never been fine in my life, whether I called it my “poor memory “ or attributed the fact that I can’t remember things others could to my diagnosed ADHD my whole life I’ve had to deal with and try to cope with the fact that I can’t remember anything that’s ever happened to me, I would also like to say that anything I’m saying I can only apply to myself, I’m aware it’s a spectrum and not everyone has all 5 senses or an imagination

Now what this sub and r/aphantasia have done for me is to help me realize the true extent to which I’m just totally fucked, Not only can I not see anything (or any other senses for that matter) in my head but I also don’t have any memories of a single thing that’s happened to me , I can’t see them and I can’t re-experience them or even feel any of the emotions I once felt, I feel no connection to my past and I know nothing about who I used to be other than a handful of facts I can recall, I couldn’t even tell you my favorite food and any time I’ve answered that it was a guess at best, after reading about what other people can do I can’t help but feel envious, sad , stressed and angry and I’m reminded every day of just how well people can remember

Now that I know about it I can’t get it out of my head and the reminders are everywhere once you know what to look for , I’m reminded by things I once thought were exaggerations and which I now know to be the truth, for example when people would ask” can you remember when we did this” , for me at that very moment them stating the fact that we did that makes me recall the fact that we did and if I don’t sense that it’s inaccurate I’ll agree and say “yeah I remember “, now I come to find out that for them they’re re-experiencing the moment like they’re really there and probably even think I’m doing the same

Another example that happened earlier tonight was I was watching a video and they began describing an old man recollecting in his past 90 years of life and I just couldn’t help but feel depressed because I know there’s no cure and when I’m his age I won’t remember anything I’m doing now or anything I’ll do in the next 70 , I’ll just be sitting there the same blank slate I am today with no history to share, It makes me think about how people always say to the elderly “ wow you must really have some stories to share” and possible ageism aside I think I’d just cry if they said that

The last and most frequent ones are in Harry Potter which I listen to the audiobook of often and I never realized that everyone in the book is written as having hyperphantasia since I expert she herself does

Another thing that makes it so hard is that since finding out about aphantasia and sdam I’ve discussed it with the people in my life and I’ve come to find out that my girlfriend, my best friend , and my cousin who was my childhood best friend and I’m still good friends with all have hyperphantasia and can actually remember things, they both daydream often which still barely understand, they say it’s like a movie but with all 5 senses except oddly enough for both of them smell is the weakest

I just feel so cheated and almost wronged by the universe and although I’ve never gone through it the best way I can describe it is like I’m grieving for my past and for how things could’ve been if I was born with a memory or an imagination or even an inner voice , it’s just so dark and lonely in my head that I have to be constantly watching or playing something or there’s literally nothing going on