Idk if I flaired this right... I have no idea if text anxiety is an actual thing, but if it is I’m certain that I have it. I was always a timid person. During my teens I suffered with anxiety, panic disorder and depression. Because of that, I closed off from a lot of people. Ever since I graduated high school I’ve been feeling lonelier and lonelier as I saw my friends with their own friend groups, minus me. That started to happen in year 4 of high school btw. I didn’t have any classes with my usual ‘friend’ circle so we grew distant. Back to the point. Ever since we graduated I felt so lonely. Everyone seemed to be getting on well and I was rarely contacted. I grew more and more distant. Every time I try to send a text or even think about it I’d chicken out completely and throw my phone. These past couple of months has gotten way worse. My anxiety would go through the roof and I wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone, be it phone call or text ( I never did well with phone calls anyway). A while ago a friend suggested that I see a therapist when he couldn’t help me. Ever since then I haven’t spoken to anyone. I feel so alone but I can’t bring myself to talk to anyone. I’ve never texted anyone or even updated my status in more than a month but no one even checked to see if I was okay. That hurt so much. My mother found out about what I was doing so I’d try to send a message to one friend at least once a week. Every time I try to work on myself and send a message they’d always be busy or on a call with someone else. Even if we do talk the conversations wouldn’t be long. I mean, I completely understand that. Who’d want to talk to a friend that goes incognito for so long? I feel like I’m a burden. I’m such a terrible friend, I don’t deserve to have any kind of friend. I even hid my WhatsApp icon away and archived all my chats except for the family chat and a chat with just me in it that I’d use to vent. I panic every time I have to talk to someone. Even now my heart is racing because I was having a short conversation with who used to be my best friend. I feel like everyone has moved on. I feel like I have no right to try to get to know their friends because I’m not worthy. I see them all as better than I am. Someone like me should just stay alone forever. I’m supposed to start university in September and I’m so scared. I don’t want to go through the same thing again. I don’t deserve anyone. I constantly push people away for no good reason. I hate this. I hate my low confidence. I hate this stupid heart of mine that won’t stop pounding for the stupidest reasons. I’m such an embarrassment.

Sorry if I ranted😅