I feel so sad and ashamed that my ex thinks I am a bad person.

Why is it the person who gets upset and angry is the only one being blamed in the relationship?

I am aware that I ignore her and get angry. I try to distant myself because when I get sad and disappointed, I really feel so sad.

I am also aware that I get so anxious. And when she would invalidate my feelings, I would get so disappointed and think that she doesn't really love me, and I would break up with her.

I know I need psychotherapy and I did it once. But never went back as it was expensive. I want to really have therapy and heal once I have the financial means to do so.

But right now, I am just trying to depend on myself, to the One I believe in, on my family, friends and cats.

It is just that my ex still likes and retweets posts that portray me as this bad person.

She cannot even accept the fact that she traumatized me. It is always me that makes mistakes even though I often get hurt.

Is it bad to get angry? Is it bad to tell others how you feel? I tried so hard to be vocal but she usually shuts me down.

I miss her. But whenever I remember how traumatizing it was to be with her, I always get so sad.

I know I am not a monster but I am aware that there is this small monster inside me when I get so sad.

I push people away. I say hurtful words too. I don't know.