SPOILER: Literal shitpost

Annual flight physical time. You called in February to set up an appointment and the earliest they had was May. That checks.

Do beep test. Hear a beep, push a button. Don't hear a beep. Still push button. Pass beep test. Fuck yea, living right today boys.

Eye test with the little cylinder thingys gets harder every year, but you know they always change place and are never on the outsides. Questionably Ethical Pilot Hack.

Before you see the doc, you ask where the restroom is because the Coffee Colon Combustion (CCC) is about to erupt. Get pointed towards the bathroom. Its a private bathroom, one potty. Oh I get some "Me Time"? This is fucking dope, we fancy here, #treatyoself. Mount Ve-poop-ius erupts and makes Nessie-sized-shits everywhere, but the damage is contained. You reach for toilet paper.

THERE IS NONE.

You haven't trained for this. Well, maybe in the woods by Fairchild, but THIS? No CBT prepared you for this. Time to get creative. Paper Towels? That'll do, pig...that'll do.

WaddleWithFlightsuitAroundAnkels.gif

You waive your hand. "RRRURRR" the machine’s motor says, mockingly, producing no paper towels. Denial sets in as you wave your hand again.

"RRRRURRRR"....."RRRRRURRRR"...."RRRRRURRRRR" You add the supply guy for Flight Med to your shit-list, pun intended, but there's no TIME for chuckles. Working the problem, you go over your options.

Pockets? No paper receipts. Wallet has cash in it but you'll be damned before you wipe your ass with $3.50.

Patches? There are two authentic Jackson Pollocks in this restroom and you think your 4 patches and a pencil tab patch is gonna solve the problem? GTFOH.

Sink? You mean wash my butt in the sink? You can barely touch your feet, and you have the confidence to perform origami with your body and activate an impromptu bidet? You are as dumb as you smell right now, homeboy.

Call for help? Hell no, you're not calling out to the medical folk you just ka-blamo'd their ka-bathroom.

Text your boys? Your cell phone has "SOS" showing, and will NOT get a signal in these lead filled walls. There is an available Wi-Fi network named "Flight Clinic Permanent Party ONLY". Damn nonners and their password locked wifis.

Use your hand? What, like the "dirty hand" you remember from the Cultural Sensitivity Training CBT? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Options running low. FUCK.

You begin to resent everything. Fuck frozen food. Fuck Flight Med. Fuck Canon. Fuck AFSOC. What the fuck is an Air Commando anyway?!

...wait. Air Commando... You still have underwear on. Go COMMANDO. Use underwear to wipe and clean. Well shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, a big THANK YOU to AFSOC, because THIS Air Commando is about to air out his Commando.

Flush, its clean, no skid marks. Wipe. Definitely different outcome. Bury the evidence in the bottom of trashcan. Wash your hands for the next 6-9 minutes. One last look around and you've successfully sanitized the scene of the crime. Nice.

Leave restroom and proceed to finish your flight physical with a clean bill of health, and no one in that med group is the wiser to your dirty deed. Make a pit stop on the way back to get a baconator, fries, and diet dr pepper.

BLOB: OP ran out of toilet paper at Flight Med.